


My Time without You

by SpunkySpaceCat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angel Wings, Angelic Grace as a Cure (Supernatural), Angelic Possession (Supernatural), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Castiel (Supernatural), Broken Dean Winchester, Canon Compliant, Canon Rewrite, Castiel Has a Crush on Dean Winchester, Castiel Possessing Dean Winchester, Castiel's True Form (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Has Abandonment Issues, Dean Winchester Has Depression, Dean Winchester Has Issues, Dean Winchester Has Nightmares, Dean Winchester Has Panic Attacks, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Winchester Has a Crush on Castiel, Dean Winchester Has a Wing Kink, Dean Winchester Learns Self-Love, Dean Winchester Uses Actual Words, Dean Winchester Whump, Dean Winchester is Not Okay, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Emotionally Constipated Dean Winchester, Everyone Is Alive, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Flashbacks, Hurt Dean Winchester, John Winchester Abuses Dean Winchester, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Nightmares, Psychological Torture, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Supernatural Finale, Torture, basically dean winchester is a hot mess, but he gets fixed, but i wanted to write some dean winchester angst, dean winchester gets kidnapped, supernatural 15x20, this is actually so bad but i cant stop writing it, this is really bad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:48:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 53,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27832561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpunkySpaceCat/pseuds/SpunkySpaceCat
Summary: It has been 8 months since Sam, Dean, and Jack defeated God8 months since Jack became the New God and restored Heaven and Hell8 months since the world ended and began anew8 months since The Empty took CastielAnd 8 months since Dean Winchester has disappeared without a traceThis story is about the courageous yet stupid chaotic bi Winchester brother that we all know and love and the tragic story of his life that was never fully addressed in the show. While all the characters have their own demons to face, Dean is a special case. This fic focuses on all of Dean's internal struggles as he is thrust into a situation where he doesn't have a choice but to embrace them and is forced to confront his feelings regarding his family as well as himself.Set after 15x19 but Jack doesn't go AWOL and Eileen isn't a blurry cardboard cutout of a womanWARNING: Lots of violence, torture, mental disorders, and Dean Whump. Poor guy. But do not fret - good things do happen.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 49
Kudos: 119





	1. The Return

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sad and tired so I mean what else can I do other than write really incredibly shitty fanfiction  
> There is barely any editing and lots of grammar mistakes and weird words because I'm very upset and can't be bothered to ask anyone to proofread step on me <3
> 
> I know this is very inaccurate according to the show's canon. But I don't really care at this point I want anything to be canon other than the finale.
> 
> Besides that please enjoy this flaming dumpster fire of a fanfiction

Sam heard desperate rapping on the Bunker's front door. _Pound, pound, pound._ A haunting sound that he had hoped to hear one day. He, Jack, and Eileen were silently seated at the map table, poring over research about angels, demons, reapers, Death, and anything else relating to The Empty, all of them needing to get Cas and Dean back. This was pretty much their only routine they had been desperately trying to do ever since that drastic day 8 months ago. 8 months ago when Castiel was presumed dead and Dean ran away. 8 months with nothing but a few cases here and there and desperate spells, rituals, and just about anything else on the Earth trying to track down a dead angel and an AWOL hunter. 

After the disaster that was that day 8 months ago, Sam practically begged Jack to use his new powers or anything he had at his disposable to see where Dean and the Impala had run off to. Jack had tried so hard, but to no avail. He had locked away God's power, as well as much as his own deep within his own body because he was terrified. Utterly terrified as to what would happen when he would let it all out. Terrified about what was happening with Amara, who was locked in a deep sleep amongst his new God powers. Terrified about being driven into a power-hungry state and going mad like he heard Castiel had done. Or worse, accidentally killing someone again.

These feelings arose after Jack had left Sam and Dean for a short period of time. He waved goodbye and disappeared with the intention of fixing everything. Well, that's exactly what he did. He fixed Heaven, took down the walls, and made everything up there good again. He also fixed Rowena's Hell problems - something that didn't take a lot of effort. All he really had to do was think about his problems and viable solutions, and voila, it was done. Everything was okey dokey.

He was just about to grab Castiel from The Empty when he felt it. 

A sharp pulling in his own mind. A very sharp pang that had malicious intent. A pull that wanted him to snap his fingers and erase everything. It was God's power. It was God's consciousness telling him to just get rid of everything and start anew - write a new draft. Throw out the old. 

The urge to do so was oh so very tempting. How easy it would be to just start a new universe - one where everyone was happy and no monsters or hunters or anything that could cause misfortune could happen. A universe where Sam and Dean Winchester don't exist-

No.

That's not what he wanted. 

That's what God wanted. 

And Jack may be the new God, but he's not _God._

He loves Sam, Dean and Cas. He loves his family. He would never get rid of them for anything. 

No. That's not him talking. That's the stupid power he inherited. The stupid power that is wanting him to destroy everything the Winchesters had tried so hard to preserve.

His own powers scared him, but coupled with God's and Amara's, he knew he wouldn't be able to control himself. Without guidance, he would just be a walking ball of sheer power.

So he sealed them away. Everything. He didn't want to be God - he just wanted to be Jack. Jack Kline, a kid who's barely 3 years old but already is the most powerful being in existence. He didn't ask for any of this, it was just thrust upon him in a cruel flip of fate's coin. 

Jack had told Sam these insecurities, but while Sam seemed understanding, he was also very distraught. Rightfully so, but Jack couldn't just unearth his dormant powers and expect good things to happen. 

But because of his own fear, Jack was now basically powerless. Sure, he was far stronger than most angels and definitely stronger than monsters, but he still had a lot of trouble doing things he normally could. He had trouble healing Sam and Eileen when they went on hunts together. He could barely smite anything. It was almost like his grace was gone. It certainly wasn't though. His grace and power was fully intact, but all of it was stuck behind a wall, thick and immovable. His own willpower kept it there. The fear was just too great. 

That was 8 months ago when Jack made this revelation. 8 long months without Castiel and Dean. 8 months without the rebellious angel and the stubborn hunter, both of which were the glue holding Team Free Will together. 

But now with the Bunker door being beat upon, all of their heads snapped up. Eileen glanced worridly at Sam, and Sam back at her before his gaze shifted towards Jack. Sam's face set into a grimace and he pulled out his gun while cautiously going up the stairs. Jack and Eileen took cautious stances, standing for any kind of danger that would be presented behind that door. 

Sam gulped and crept towards the door. When he got there, he called out with a wavering voice. 

"Who's there?" 

The pounding abruptly stopped and Sam tensed up, holding his gun with a white knuckled grip.

"Sam. It's me. Castiel. Please open the door." 

With this, Sam's heart stopped. He glanced down at the other two, who were equally as shocked. Castiel? But he was in The Empty, Dean had told him so! Sam recalled Dean's tragic story of how The Empty had come with its black tendrils and took Castiel and Billie away, never to be seen again. He called down to Jack, 

"Jack, is it really Castiel? Can you sense him?" 

"I don't know Sam. I really don't. I'm sorry." 

Sam sighed. 

"If you're really Castiel, then prove it. What is something that only he would know?" 

This of course was a stupid question. Just about anything nowadays could read minds and pick up memories that some people didn't even know existed. But still, it was the best option at the time. 

"My name is Castiel, and you're Sam Winchester. You're in love with Eileen Leahy and Jack is my surrogate son." There was a slight pause before he continued, "Dean loves old western films and one time he made me watch "Tombstone" with him. It was an enjoyable movie, just historically inaccurate." 

Sam laughed. If this wasn't Castiel then it was doing a damn good job of faking him. He slowly but deliberately opened the Bunker's door. Lo and behold his eyes were greeted with that familiar trenchcoat, black suit and blue tie, raven dark hair, and the unmistakable electric blue eyes of the angel, Castiel. 

"C-Cas... Is that really you?" Sam stuttered out. 

Cas opened his arms and smiled. 

"Yes, Sam." Castiel said. He glanced around the Bunker. "It's good to be home." 

Tears streamed down Sam's face as he brought Cas, his best friend and basically brother, into a long and drawn out hug. He wasn't surprised at all when Cas's own arms wrapped around him and when he felt the little drops of hot tears on his flannel shirt. Castiel was back. After 8 long and dreary months, they had Cas back. 

"Oh my God... Is that really you? Castiel?" Jack said, full of raw emotion. Castiel looked up from Sam's hug and nodded. Jack's face exploded into a smile and he practically flew up the stairs and into Castiel's embrace. 

"I missed you so much." 

"I also missed you, Jack. I'm so glad to see that you're doing well." 

Eileen smiled from the table, and Sam met her gaze, his mouth set in a wide grin also. 

After a while in the massive bear hug, Castiel let go and patted Jack's shoulder. 

"Cas. How in the world did you get back? I thought that you were in The Empty." Sam asked, full of curiosity but also a little fear. He hoped that Cas hadn't made any deals like all of them were prone to do. 

"Yes, you are correct. However, I felt something pulling at me. I-I was asleep and dreaming when I felt it. It was a very strong sensation and it ripped my consciousness awake. I don't really know how else to describe it." Castiel slowly replied. His brow crinkled as he tried to remember what had happened. 

"I woke up and I was in The Empty. The last thing I remembered was-" The last thing he remembered was telling Dean that he loved him. And then Dean just staring at him, not saying anything, and then him saying "Don't do this Cas" and then Cas pushing him against the wall, leaving the bloody handprint and then... But he told Dean he loved him. That was his true happiness. But he couldn't say that to Sam. Not yet. 

"I can't exactly remember what happened beforehand. All I know is that Dean and I were running from Billie and then we were cornered. Then The Empty came and took both of us. I was asleep for a long time before I felt that sensation. I awoke and The Shadow was there again." With this Cas chuckled. 

"Its face was one of annoyance and desperation. It asked why I was awake again after it had JUST finished putting the rest of the angels and demons to sleep after Jack woke everyone up. To which I said I need to go back and find everyone. Then it tried to put me back to sleep, but I resisted." Cas paused for a moment and pricked his thoughts, trying his hardest to remember what had happened in that miserable plane of existence. 

"It finally relented and I found myself in Kansas City. I also had my wings back, which was a surprise, but a welcome one nonetheless."

As if to prove his point, he unfurled his jet black wings. Jack watched in awe as the long feathers glistened under the light. Unfortunately, Sam nor Eileen could see their splendor. 

"Thankfully, I remembered where the Bunker was. I just prayed that you were still here, but thankfully you are. How long was I gone?"

Sam blew out a long puff of air. 

"8 months Cas. A long 8 months." 

Cas's eyes widened in shock. 

"That long? It didn't feel like that at all to be honest."

"No Cas. It was that long, and it was also too damn long." 

Sam let out a little chuckle.

"But we have you back. And that's all that matters." 

Then Sam cleared his throat and the uncomfortable silence set in. One question hung in the air that no one seemed to be grabbing. A question that was so hauntingly large, that it was surprising that it wasn't addressed earlier.

Finally, Castiel grabbed it with aggression and a slight bit of fear. 

"So... Where's Dean?"

* * *

"What do you mean he's gone?!" The angel snapped and he banged his fist on the table. His wings were extended and puffed out to their maximum plumage. Jack stared at them, but he also winced at Castiel's aggression. 

"We have no idea Cas. Like I said, after you were taken, he just... Disappeared." Sam replied wearily. He felt exhausted. He knew that this question would be asked the minute Castiel stepped in, he just didn't know the reaction would be this bad. 

"Did he make any deals? Is he trying to reach The Empty? Are there any angels or demons after him? Is he dead?" Castiel raged. Deep in his mind, he thought that would happen. It was Dean after all. Before he was taken, before his confession, he had told Dean to live on. To not look for him. He had hoped so desperately that Dean would listen. But as always, he didn't. And now he was gone. 8 months without any contact from Dean. For all he knew he could be dead! Dead! After his speech about living on and loving himself, Dean could have just gone off and gotten himself killed! He was like a needy child at times and Castiel hated that-

No. He didn't. Dean WAS a child. Hell at the age of four he was forced to take on the entire world on his thin and trembling shoulders on that fated night. He was forced to grow up and become something he wasn't meant to at such a young age. Of course he was needy and reckless and childish. He couldn't be any of those when he was younger, so it only made sense that he was like this now. A child with no guidance from a mother or father figure, and basically raising another child was a recipe for psychological trauma and stupidity, both of which Dean possessed a lot of.

Well, Castiel had just proven his point. Dean was childish. Because of this, he lashed out and drove away. It was obvious that he did this because Cas had sacrificed himself and Dean didn't want to continue without him. Yeah, it was an obvious fact but it was so fucking stupid. Cas's whole speech was about living, and Dean just had to go and throw that away! What a fucking idiot. 

But dammit it was this idiocy and passion for his family that had drawn Castiel to Dean. It was why he fell in love with the human. It was his flaws but deep love for people that made Cas fall in love. A mighty angel of the lord, in love with a mere human. It was laughable to think about, but Cas couldn't deny any of his feelings. They were there and they were staying whether he professed them or not. 

Did Dean feel the same way? God, Cas wished he did. But he probably didn't. But Cas was okay with that. He was okay watching from the sidelines. As long as Dean was happy and safe, Castiel would be content. 

Well now all those points would be thrown out the window. Dean was gone now. For 8 months at that. Castiel glared at Sam, but he knew in his heart that even if Sam knew that Dean was going to go missing, despite Sam's protests and attempts to stop him, Dean would have gone anyway. If Dean wanted something, he would go to the ends of the Earth to find it. Cas hated that side of Dean, but again, it was his childish side. The side of him that was never allowed to grow up. 

"I assume you've asked Jack to track him down?" Castiel asked as he rubbed the bridge of his nose in exasperation. Sam nodded. 

"I'm sorry Castiel. I really wanted to, but... I just can't. I've locked my powers away." 

Castiel's head snapped up. 

"What?"

"Yeah. I-I don't really know how to explain it, but..." 

And with this Jack relayed everything that had happened since Castiel was taken. From the entire Earth being poofed out of existence, to Lucifer and Michael and Michael's ultimate betrayal, and finally how he absorbed God's power. Then he described the feeling of destruction in his own mind and how he needed to seal away all of his powers before he acted on them. 

All through this, Castiel's face remained stoic and tired. But he still listened. When Jack finished, Castiel's lips set in a grimace. He sighed but patted Jack's shoulder.

"Thank you, Jack. You've done the responsible thing. I'm furious that all this has happened to you, but I'm proud. I'm so proud of you Jack." 

Jack smiled and Castiel pulled him in for another hug. When they broke apart, Sam and Eileen looked downtrodden. 

They had Cas back. That was a major victory. But where was Dean? 

The question hung in the air once again. 8 months gone and no signs at all about him. How would they ever get him back? Castiel had all of his angelic powers, but they were virtually useless unless they had an inkling of where Dean was. The only way for them to find him would be to find The Impala maybe... 

Castiel perked up. The Impala! Dean obviously had it and maybe Jack could track it. He broke the stifling silence.

"Jack."

"Yeah?"

"I want you to do something. It will be very hard, and I'm sorry in advance for asking you. But it's the only shot we have at finding Dean."

"Of course. I want to find him just as much as everyone else does!" 

"Then you're going to have to let out just a smidgen of your power." Castiel cautiously said. 

Jack's happy tone deflated into a dead one. Of course he would need God's power. If only it were that easy.

"Cas you know-"

"Yes I know. I wouldn't ask if we weren't desperate, but we are. Please Jack. Just a little bit." Castiel begged. 

Jack set his face in a grimace and thought about it. He wished it were as easy as Cas made it out to be, but it wasn't. But in the end, everyone needed Dean back. He had to do this. He turned his head towards Castiel and nodded. 

"Alright. What do I need to do?" 

"Imagine the Impala. Imagine the rich, leathery smell of it. Imagine the feel of smooth leather covering the seats. The creak of the doors as you open them, and the sound of them closing shut with force because someone's angry. Imagine the casette player and all the music that Dean likes playing inside of it, and everything else about it. Imagine it Jack, just imagine it." 

And Jack did. Every single detail Castiel described and more, he imagined. He realized how much he missed the Impala and Dean. He missed the old days, just casually hunting, the four of them. Tears pricked his eyes as he remembered. 

"Now Jack. This is the hard part. Imagine letting out only a tiny bit of power. A very small bit. And imagine putting that power in a place where the Impala is and finding it. It could be anywhere. A garage, a forest, a desert, in a town. Imagine finding the Impala in a place where Dean would be." 

Jack imagined as hard as he could. In his mind, he lifted the wall just ever so slightly and let a little bit of power creep into his veins. He felt the tug, but it was only miniscule pull compared to the harsh one before. It was one that he could control. 

And then he found it. The Impala. 

His eyes snapped open. 

"It's in Golden, Oregon. It's in front of the old abandoned church." 

"Great job Jack. Let's go." Castiel said, a note of proudness in his voice. 

Eileen's voice spoke up and the three guys turned to listen.

"If you don't mind, I would like to stay here. I would go, but I would like to do more research. Besides, I don't know Dean that well. I think he would be happier seeing all of you." 

Sam's eyebrows knitted together in worry.

"Are you sure? We don't mind you coming along." 

Eileen just shook her head.

"I'll be fine Sam. Go find your brother."

Sam smiled and gave her a quick kiss. Then he headed over to Cas and Jack and nodded. 

"Let's go." 

Then there was the gentle flutter of wings and the three of them were gone.


	2. The Trauma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is suffering like he's in Hell he's not in Hell but it sure as hell feels like it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really tired and I'm sorry

**From here on there are graphic images of torture, psychological damage, suicidal thoughts, mental disorders, and abuse. Proceed with these themes in mind. Sorry Dean I hadtodoittoem but it's all for a good reason trust me.**

_"Dean, take Sam and RUN."_

  
_"But dad, what about-"_

_"GO! NOW!"_

But what about mom? 

_"Dad... Sam doesn't really mean it! He does love you it's just that-"_

  
_"Boy why don't you ever just shut the hell up? Get your nose out of my ass and TRY to do something useful for once instead of breathing down my neck all the time."_

_"But dad I just wanted-"_

_"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"_

It hurts when the alcohol bottles comes out. It hurts when they hit him. 

_Sammy. Please. You know that I tried my best. I tried my damndest to give you a good life. Please don't do this Sammy."_

_"Dean, you don't control my life. I'm sorry but I'm going."_

_"Sammy you can't. Stop. I can't do this alone. Please."_

  
That night hurt the most. He had failed his one job: Keeping Sam safe.

Dad took that very seriously. 

_"Cas, stop. We're family. We need you. ~~I love you~~ I need you." _

_"Cas. Please."_

Why couldn't he have just said the words? 

_And then he was just falling. Falling. In the darkness. In the utter loneliness and the selfishness of his own mind._

Dean was startled awake and it returned. 

The pain. 

_The white hot and black searing pain that was always there - always there always watching in every limb, every appendage, every piece of flesh that he had was on fire it hurt the pain it was there and it made him want to cry but he had already cried and screamed and watched as it happened as he was ripped apart like he was in Hell again but he wasn't or was he was he on Earth or in Hell it felt like he was in both but both of them hurt so much why did his life hurt so much----_

Why? 

What had he done to deserve any of this? 

Was he that much of a failure and a disappointment to his own father and God himself that he deserved this? 

Yes he was selfish he wanted a family he wanted Sam to stay with him he wanted Cas to be with him and yes he wanted to be happy is that so bad? 

Yes it's selfish of course 

He's Dean Winchester 

Dean Winchester doesn't deserve happiness it's so obvious

It's not supposed to happen 

Dean Winchester ≠ happiness 

Dean Winchester is just daddy's little blunt instrument 

But what about Cas? Cas said that-

Forget about Cas he's not here he doesn't understand everything

But Cas said he literally said that-

No you don't know Cas doesn't know no one knows what it's like to be Dean Winchester 

Dean Winchester hates himself

Dean Winchester is a failure

Dean Winchester wants to die

Dean Winchester wishes that everytime he goes on a hunt that he gets impaled on a piece of rebar or something

Dean Winchester - Hunter of monsters and slayer of God, THE God

wants to die 

It's ironic isn't it? Dean Winchester is such a fuck-up that he can't even go a day without drowning himself in alcohol 

And Dean Winchester got worse somehow after Castiel got taken by The Empty

Castiel was Dean Winchester's light

Dean Winchester loved Castiel 

No he loves Castiel 

But where is Castiel

Castiel is dead

Dean could only watch as Castiel died 

And now Castiel is dead and Dean Winchester is dying 

Maybe it's for the best 

Because Dean Winchester doesn't deserve happiness 

_Why was I born? Just to be a sick puppet in God's play. That's it. There is no such thing as "free will" nor will there ever will be. I was just fated to be a miserable existence. That's not free will. That's just damn sadism. But it's also what I deserve. I am selfish for wanting things such as love or happiness. I was just meant to die on a monster hunt. It was Sam that was meant to be happy. God knows I love Sam and I wish him the best life but he'll have to do it without me because I'm not suppposed to be alive._

The pain came back. The burning pain that was all over his body. Then the pain became more prominent in his left lung and he felt the familiar sensation of sharp and deadly claws piercing through the flesh. 

He wished that he could open his eyes

But they had been sewn shut a long time ago 

Along with his mouth 

And he couldn't hear anything 

A banshee had blown out his eardrums 

The only thing he could do was feel

And feel he did 

He felt everything 

He felt the claws as they ripped into the tender flesh of his stomach and face 

He felt the fangs as they invaded every part of his body and sucked all the blood out of it as they could 

He felt the knives as they made deep incisions all over everything 

He felt the cigarette burns as they peppered his skin like polka dots on a dog

He felt the gunshots as they burned holes in his soul as well as his body 

He felt the prick of needles as they pierced his skin and threaded through with string attached to them

He felt the pressure of his heart being squeezed as it tried to beat

He felt the slick feeling of sticks and metal as they slid into his body, pushing through internal organs and muscles

He felt the crunching of teeth as bones were exposed and broken in his own body his bones were being exposed like a Christmas present

He felt the sharp prick of the knife on his tongue as something was being etched on it like a pencil on paper except much harder

Oh yes he felt everything 

And everything hurt 

How long had he been like this

It felt like forever 

But probably not long 

Not as long as the time he spent in Hell 

Hell was a long time 

But this felt like longer 

And somehow it hurt more than Hell

So he must be in Hell

Yes he's in Hell 

And He's being punished

For wanting to be happy

Of course 

What else could explain this

And the nightmares

The nightmares come and go never in a pattern 

They're always waiting for him

Waiting for him to slip into unconsciousness because he's in such pain but they're waiting for him

And everyone blames

Him

Because he fucked up

He always fucks up 

He knows it but why 

Why does he fuck up

Why does everyone hate him 

Because he fucks up of course 

_A giggle escapes his lips. The giggle continues as little hiccups of laughs and giggles until it erupts into fullblown laughter as he realizes the foolishness of it all. He's laughing. He's in pain and he's laughing because it hurts so damn much but he can't stop it. He can't do anything but laugh. He can't open his lips but he's laughing like a damn hyena. hahahahahahaHAHAhAHhahAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_

  
He should've killed himself years ago. 

* * *

_The monsters only look on in glee._

_Their toy is finally broken._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sad now


	3. The Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is found but he's not good in fact he's quite the opposite of good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 random character introductions but don't worry they're not important

When Sam, Castiel, and Jack found the Impala, they found that it'd been destroyed beyond recognition. Claws, bite marks, and just about anything you can imagine a monster doing had happened. Sam stifled a sob as he ran towards it. 

"Oh Baby, I'm so sorry." Sam cried. The Impala. Baby. Dean's car. It was ruined by monsters so that meant that Dean was somewhere but he wasn't there. Sam frantically looked towards Jack and Cas, confusion, shock, and pain written all over his face. 

The two of them had the same reactions. Sam grimly opened the trunk and was surprised to see everything was still inside. The casettes, beer bottles, burger wrappers, more beer bottles, and every other bit of trash was inside. He opened the trunk and all the hunter equipment was still inside also. But the trash? Beer bottles? That wasn't like Dean. Dean would never trash his car unless the world was ending. Well, maybe at the time it did seem like the world was ending. 

"Guys, everything's still in here. It's just the car that's trashed."

"Maybe they thought the car was already trashed on the inside." Castiel offered. Sam glared at him but he shut the trunk and car doors. He then headed back towards Jack and Cas as they planned their next move. 

"Do you think he's around here?" Sam finally asked. "Jack, could you please use just a little bit more power. Just a little. I know that's a lot to ask, but we need you. Just see if he's around here." Jack nods his head and does the same thing he did with the Impala, but this time he envisions Dean. It's harder to imagine Dean because he changes all the time, but if Jack could get a faint glimpse of Dean's soul, just a glimmer... 

  
He tried. By God he tried. He slowly opened the wall and let the power in. The pull was there, but he ignored it. He had to. Dean was relying on him as well as everyone else. If only he could just get a faint trace of Dean's soul then-

Then he felt it. It was so faint that it would be unnoticable by anyone else but himself. His eyes snapped open and he nudged Castiel. 

"He's here. He's definitely here. But his soul is so faint that it's almost impossible to detect." He breathed out. Castiel and Sam's faces grimaced in concern and they split up to try to find Dean Winchester. Castiel tried his damndest to detect the beautiful soul he knew so well, but he was virtually useless because he couldn't find anything. You'd think that their Profound Bond would pull them together, but Dean's soul was so faint and almost nonexistent that even Castiel couldn't detect it. It took Jack's God power to find it. That was bad. 

Jack finally called out to Sam and Cas. They came out of abandoned homes and raced towards Jack, who was standing in front of a cellar to another abandoned and rotted house. Sam had a shotgun, silver bullets and a pistol, silver knives, holy water, salt, and just about anything he could fit on himself. Cas and Jack were fine as they were, but they were still cautious in opening the cellar. Jack seamlessly yanked the lock off and the putrid smell of blood filled all of their nostrils. 

  
_The monsters detected the humans. But it's not just humans, it's two angels and Sam Winchester. If they stay, they will die. Realizing this, the majority of the monsters and demons leave. They would have liked to stay and witness Dean Winchester's breaking, but they value their lives too much. Cowards. Only a couple stay. A ragtag duo. But they want to be there and have their last moments be the faces of Sam, Castiel, and Jack as they crumble after seeing Dean Winchester. It would be worth it to witness it and then dying. Especially Boian. He's a witch and he's the the one that kidnapped Dean and wants him to suffer the most. And then there's Gwynth. She's just a typical run of the mill angel who just happened to fall from Heaven with every other angel. She's pissed. And she's an angel. A pissed off angel is not someone you want to mess with, especially if they're paired with an extremely powerful witch._

They found Dean Winchester in that shitty basement with those shitty monsters with the most shitty of shittiest of the most shittiest shit looking Dean Winchester ever. 

Dean was broken. Everything in him was broken. 

Upon first glance you saw his face. It was supported by a giant shackle on his neck. Blood caked every part of skin that is visible behind the overgrown hair. The hair itself was black with grime, dirt, and caked on blood. Also there was hot tar poured on it. Dean's eyes weren't there, they'd been carved out by a spoon or something. His eyelids were sewn open but his mouth was sewn shut. One ear was ripped off and the other one was torn to shreds and blood was pouring out of it. There were cuts, scrapes, nicks, and just plain gashes on every part of his body. He had no clothes on but it didn't matter because everything was just a mess of blood. His arms had nails and a ton of bite marks in them and they were being held up on chains. There were fingers missing and fingernails and there was no skin just raw muscle and tendon on his left hand. 

His stomach was a shredded mess of skin flaps. His ribs were exposed and not just because he'd been starved but also the actual bone of the ribs was able to be seen and they were cracked and broken and bleeding with the rest of him. His intestines were actually visible and there was more bone showing because why? 

And his legs were broken beyond repair. Broken. He tried to run and they broke all the bones in his legs and toes were gone and there were just cuts and burns and claw marks everywhere and there's pieces of broken pipe and metal inside of his legs and then all over there's these places where there's needle and thread stuck in like Dean was some sort of human voodoo doll. 

And that was only on the surface. 

Sam threw up and Castiel could only stare in shock as Jack startd crying. Dean Winchester. Their Dean. The stubborn and hateful hunter that loves everything too much was there in front of them. He was basically at death's door. How was he not dead? He should have been dead. Castiel rushed forwards and broke the manacle on his neck and gingerly undid the wrist cuffs. He started to heal Dean when he heard clopping at the side. He whipped around and there was Boian and Gwynth. 

Boian was a tall man with a crisp looking suit and tie on. The most striking feature was his long, red hair. He resembled Rowena in a way. Well, minus the Scottish accent.

And Gwynth was possessing the form of an average-looking brunette. But even in a vessel, Castiel instantly recognized her.

"Hello, Castiel. Remember me?" She said with a sneer. She always was the ugliest angel Castiel knew, both inside and out. So full of hatred for humanity, but not fully supporting Lucifer. Or at least not yet. 

"Gwynth. Why would you do this?" He asked, tears starting to fall down his face. The love of his life, Dean Winchester, was lying there, truly now a broken shell of a man. No wonder he couldn't detect Dean's soul. It was barely existant. 

"No reason." She replied. "Only that he helped get me kicked out of Heaven and killed many of our kind along with his brother and... Need I go on?" She mocked. 

Castiel, full of blind rage, rushed forwards with his blade. 

"Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you." She said cockily. 

Castiel paused. 

"Why?" 

"Because it's me that's keeping that SOB alive you dumbass. If either me or this handsome fella dies," She gestured to Boian the witch. "Then he dies. And we all know there's no getting him back now." 

"What IS keeping him alive?" Castiel growled. 

"A tiny bit of angel grace and some witch magic." She replied. "And without either of them, well then he dies." 

Castiel was about to kill her despite her words but Jack spoke out.

"No. You're wrong." He shook his head. "Castiel, do it. Kill them"

"But she just said." 

"No. I have him." 

And with that, Jack walked up to the unrecognizable mess of Dean and gingerly put his fingers on the hunter's temples. His eyes turned yellow and energy pulsed out of him and into Dean. 

"Do it. He's with me now." 

And with those words, Boian and Gwynth turned tail and started running. 

But Heaven nor Hell hath no fury like a pissed off angel that happens to be Castiel. Sam's there too. Castiel easily grabbed Gwynth by the hair and growled at her. 

"You better hope The Empty takes a liking to you. I know a lot of angels that hate you as well." 

Before she could protest, he thrusted the Angel Blade into her right eye and watched in grim satisfaction as she died, hopefully a painful death like she deserved. 

Meanwhile Sam caught up to Boian. He tried shooting him, but Boian easily swatted the gun out of the way. 

"Sam. Sammy. Just let me talk for a minute boy. Don't you want to know what we did to him?" 

"You'd better hope that he's alive or else your brains are going to be on the ground." Sam growled in reply, his voice just a raspy sound. 

"Well, you have no choice. I'm ready to die but I want to talk first so be quiet." 

Sam started for his gun, but Boian shot him off to the side and made his way towards Dean and Jack.

"Don't you touch him!" Sam nearly screamed. Boian just merely shot a smile his way. 

Castiel sprung up behind him, Angel Blade ready to pierce through flesh. But Boian was ready and shot Castiel off to the side where Sam was.

Jack was still with Dean but he bristled as Boian approached. Boian just put his hands up and sneered. 

"My name is Boian. Nice to meet you all. Now let me tell you a little story boys." He cooed. Sam and Cas tried to attack his back, but he used that annoying witch magic to hurl them towards the wall.

"Sit. Stay." He barked out. Sam and Cas struggled, but he was too powerful. They couldn't move at all. 

"Good. So. I see that you have Dean Winchester despite all the warding that I put up. That's quite unfortunate but oh well. I guess play time's over." His mouth curled up into a cruel smile. "It's been a fun 8 months boys. You should have seen him when he first got here. All sad and drunk and just oh so broken." He said broken with a roll of his lips, as if it were a beautiful word to describe Dean with. 

"How he struggled against me, and he would have won too, if Gwynth hadn't been there. But she was. And that was that. We did it. We captured THE Dean Winchester. We won! And so to celebrate we made a GIANT announcement. You wanna know what we said?" He asked expectantly. Sam and Cas just stared murder at him. He laughed but continued.

"To every monster in the world, we said that we have Dean Winchester. We have him in chains and you can come and do whatever you want to him because we made it so that he can't die because that little son of a gun tried to bite his own tongue off." He gestured to Dean, more specifically his tongue, where there was a sigil on it. 

"You see boys, that sigil means "Death shalt not take thee" so basically we could do whatever we wanted to this man without him dying. It was very convenient! And then this other witch came by and put a curse on him so that whatever pain he felt would be increased tenfold! Quite a useful spell if I say so myself. And then Gwynth, bless her soul, let us all peek into his mind and see what trauma he's got locked up in there! It was truly a mesmerizing experience, seeing everything he's bottled up for so long. The hatred he feels for himself and his father, and his unexplainable love for his little brother Sammy. Oh and how he cried! The poor little child crying for his brother, for his guardian angel, for his father, for just about anyone who would rescue him. Oh how he cried!" 

Sam and Cas were still staring murderous intent, but shock was written on their faces as well as Jack's. 

"And yes, the monsters and demons came. Oh boy they came! They came so many it was like Jesus returned or something. Vampires, werewolves, djinns, banshees, somehow ghosts showed up, and demons. So many demons. And so many other monsters. They all took their turns with him! Doing whatever they wanted. Oh you should've seen the wolves. They so desperately wanted to rip his heart out. But they were satisfied with just watching him suffer and cry as they tore their claws into him. Vampires sucked him dry but he never died! It was such a beautiful sight. He screamed and shrieked and begged for death but we never delivered! And he prayed for you Castiel, oh how he prayed for you and prayed and prayed and prayed but no answer came. What a satisfying feeling that was!"

"And then he thought he was free by falling unconsciousness, but alas it was not meant to be. Gwynth had a dastardly idea and pulled up his worst nightmares and past traumas. All of the abuse and mistreatment his father put him through was pulled up. He was only 4 when he had to take on the world. And how he just craves love. It's certainly pitiful how he thinks that no one loves him. He thinks he doesn't deserve any love! That's why he won't even _think_ about reciprocating Castiel's feelings!" Boian threw his head back and laughed a cruel, cruel laugh. 

"That is not true!" Castiel snarled but Boian merely shushed him. 

"Right now he's stuck in a nightmare. I don't know what exactly, but it's a doozy, that's for sure. My lord, the amount of self-hatred one human can have is astounding. He wants to die all the time! What a sad, sad soul this is." He wiped a fake tear away from his eye, all while that stupid grin remained on his face. 

"He's suffering. All 8 months he was here he was suffering, never doubt that. And I know you're going to kill me now, but I can die satisfied. I can die knowing that I broke Dean Winchester. Beautifully. He's beautifully broken and he has no hope of recovering at all. You can heal his physical wounds, oh yes I don't doubt you angels. But those internal scars and all that trauma buried under the alcohol and women, all that has come unearthed. Good luck trying to put that back together."

He laughed again but that laugh was his last as Jack's emotions were roused. Dean? Going through all of that? His second father, Dean Winchester was put through all of this torture? And for what? Dean didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve any of this. 

Jack's anger boiled over. As he was keeping Dean's soul alive, he was also listening to Boian's speech and his anger just... Exploded. 

A burst of yellow energy erupted out of him and Boian was sent tumbling backwards. Castiel and Sam took this opportunity and shot up. Boian tried to get his standing, but a large gash had appeared on his stomach from the energy burst. Cas finished the job and drove his Angel Blade right through Boian's heart. The witch screamed but he kept that infuriating smile plastered on as he died. 

Sam straightened up and Cas pulled his blade out. They all ran over to Dean and Jack. All of them were very shaken up by Boian's speech, but they needed to get back to the Bunker. Castiel nodded towards Jack, unfurled his wings, and zapped all of them back.

He just prayed and wished and hoped that Dean would remain alive. 

* * *

Ther e i s no th i g h er e

DE an WI n Che s t er i Sn T ho ME RiGH Tno OOO w

pl e a sSE E cal l AG Ain L a tE R 

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

Everything hurts 

But everything is funny 

Heeheheheheheheeeeee

Everybody hates him

Everybody despises him

Everybody he loves abandons him 

They either die or leave 

Or they beat him

He still loves dad 

Even if dad doesn't love him 

Even when dad beats him 

Or when dad uses the beer bottle to cut him

Dean still loves his daddy

Daddy!!!

Daddy why do you hate me? 

I don't hate you daddy!

Why do you hate me 

Why does everyone hate me 

_It's because I push everyone away because I'm afraid they're all going to leave me or die and leave me alone and if I get too close to them everyone I get close to dies hell even Sam has died but he's not dead so I guess that's an exception and Cas as well he's died but he's not dead either but everyone I love dies it's my curse it's a curse I bear and I can't get rid of it and I hate it I hate my life I hate everyone I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself....._

_Cas. Oh Cas. where are you? I need you. I want to say it but I can't. Just please come and help me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super sad now


	4. The Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is broken and dying  
> Sam, Jack, and Cas desperately try to keep him from kicking the bucket

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot of homework and it's 1 am but I'm really invested in this so yeah I'm really sorry if it's poorly written
> 
> And I realize the first 3 chapters are VERY poorly written but I'm working on revising them I just want to get the new thoughts out of my head. Like they're so bad that they switch between present and future tense? idk what kind of drugs I was on but it was a hell of a drug I tell you what (hint: it's lack of sleep) 
> 
> Thanks for understanding my stupidity

As soon as the feet of Sam, Castiel, and Jack hit the ground, the Bunker was alive and buzzing with the 3 hunters desperately trying to keep Dean alive. Jack's hands were still pressed against Dean's temples, yellow energy pulsating out of them and into the broken man's soul, desperately trying to keep it flickering all while Castiel was carrying Dean to the Bunker's medroom, sprinting. A healthy Dean usually weighed about 200 pounds, but this Dean barely tipped the scales at 120 or less. He was malnourished and so much blood had left his body that it certainly was by forces of magic that he was alive. Now with that magic gone, it was strictly Jack that was keeping Dean's life hanging on by a mere thread. The sigil that had been carved onto Dean's tongue had mysteriously vanished as soon as Boian had died. They literally had Dean's life in their hands. And it was fading at a rapid pace. 

Castiel gingerly layed Dean down on the bed. Jack's fingers were still glued to Dean's head, his eyebrows pinched together in concentration. Castiel's gaze shifted to him, alight with concern. Sam then returned, carrying just about every medical supply he could along with a tub of water and a sponge, something to attempt to clean the blood that had hardened and molded into the ripped flesh. 

"Should I try to heal everything now?" Jack solemnly asked. 

Castiel shook his head.

"No. His body has been like this for so long that I... I fear he may go into shock or his heart may completely stop working. I've heard stories of people being forced awake after traumatic situations and immediately dying after. We can't let that happen. We have to do this very slowly. And I hate to prolong his agony, but... We just can't." 

Then Cas put his fingers to Dean's head next to Jack's. He concentrated a small amount of his grace into his hands and his eyes lit up in angelic blue. His grace then intertwined with Jack's, causing his blue eyes to turn the same shade of sunset yellow as Jack's. The sudden upsurge of power was staggering, but Castiel pulled through as he struggled to heal the man he loved. 

Both the celestial beings started the long process of healing the broken Dean Winchester

Cas breathed out and closed his eyes as he felt the slow healing process starting. The entire process was overwhelming because there was so much to be fixed. The urge to just snap it all away was so tempting, but the risk of Dean's body going into shock was just too great. They had to do this the slow and hard way. 

Under their hands, Castiel and Jack felt everything starting to go shift itself back into place. Dean's ribs and other bones started to slowly knit together as the cracks and fissures disappeared when the angel grace connected with them. Broken bones that would typically be impossible to fix mended together and set into place. The broken and missing flesh gradually reappeared again and started to merge over the gaping wounds that the monsters had left. The power continued to surge through the devastated body, searching for all the imperfections and correcting them. But it was so, so slow. 

Sam approached with a small pair of scissors. He gently nudged Castiel away and stooped over Dean's ripped and mangled face. He gulped in fear and utter horror, but he set to work cutting off all the thread. He took great care in carefully cutting the thread and pulling it away. He started with the mouth, slowly snipping and pulling. Wet sounds emerged from the process, but Sam bit down his disgust. 

The time he did the same thing with Gabriel played through his head. Only the angel's mouth had been sewn shut, but still, it was so sad to watch how broken Gabriel had become. The once powerful and prideful angel was reduced to a blubbering pile of screams and cries while his mouth had been sewn shut. The same thing now had happened to his own brother, and not just his mouth but his eyes had been ripped out and the eyelids sewed open so that the gaping holes were always there, staring, accusing Sam of his carelessness. Twice now he's had to heal people who were victims of cruel, cruel torture. How long would this go on? How long would he have to cut away thread that was embedded deep into flesh? 

He finished. Finally. It took over an hour to get every bit of thread out, even when Dean was as still as death. The flesh had grown around the thread, signifying its presence had been there for a long, long time. His lips were swollen and bleeding, full of infection. Dean's sea green eyes were gone, only replaced by darkness. After Sam had cut the thread out, he had slowly closed the eyelids. He just hoped that Dean wasn't conscious through all of this. In a cruel thought, he hoped that Dean would be stuck in sleep instead of having to witness all of what was happening on the outside of his mind. At least the nightmares weren't real. Right? 

Sam snapped himself out of his thoughts and gathered his supplies. He threw away the bloodied and flesh threaded string along with the scissors. He didn't ever want to look at those ever again. His hands were full of blood and he scrubbed for a good ten minutes with as much soap as he could fit. There was just so much. So much pain and suffering that his brother had gone through. It was unfair. They had defeated God and set the universe right again. They had done the ultimate good. So why did Dean still have to suffer so? 

After washing his hands, he returned to Dean with another pair of longer scissors. He carefully snipped the tar-coated hair out of Dean's eyes and tried his best to get it to look like it used to. The process was nearly impossible though, because there was so much tar and blood that he couldn't hardly do anything. He would just have to settle by cutting the excess hair away from Dean's face and hope that Castiel or Jack could fix the rest of it. 

After cutting the hair and repeating the same process as he did with the thread, Sam stood awkwardly by Jack and Castiel, who were still concentrating immensely on Dean. He nervously fiddled in the corner. 

"Is there anything you two need? Should I clean the wounds or...?" Sam cautiously asked, but Castiel merely shook his head. 

"No. I don't know what you can do at this moment, but for now there's nothing else that you can do. Thank you for helping us Sam, but we need to help Dean now." 

Sam nodded and left everything on the table in case the two of them would need any supplies, even though they wouldn't. Sam then made his way to the main room and sat down at the table, exhausted. 

They finally had Dean and Cas back. 8 months gone by and by. On one hand, it seemed like an utter lifetime. Every day, searching for some way to track them down. All that time, Dean was suffering at the hands of the monsters that they usually killed with ease. On the other, it felt like the blink of an eye. 8 months or even a year could not have prepared Sam for the sudden return of Castiel along with dastardly and broken sight of Dean. 

When the scene replayed in Sam's head, a twinge of guilt crossed him. Dean had been suffering so much ever since Castiel was taken and Sam had been utterly blind to it. Sure, he was aware of Dean and Castiel's feelings for each other. For twelve years he had known and been the awkward third wheel. He just didn't think that Castiel's death would impact Dean so much that he would literally leave in a fit of rage and depression. When Jessica died, Sam was depressed himself as for all the other women he had been with. When Eileen died, Sam felt the same way.

But he never up and left Dean alone. He stayed and fought through everything. And eventually Eileen came back. Dean should have known that. He should have stayed and talked to Sam or done something to grieve properly other than leaving with liquor bottles lining every spare space in the Impala. 

The guilt filled Sam's mind. Sure, he knew that he could not have stopped Dean no matter how hard he tried. But he should have done something more. If he had just asked or pestered or done _something_ more then maybe Dean wouldn't have left. Or he wouldn't have gotten kidnapped. Or just something else could have happened other than this. If only he had asked Jack to use his powers sooner or just summoned another angel or... 

No. It was too late. The past had already been written. All he could do now is focus on the future and hope for Dean's healing to turn out good. That was the only thing he could do. Have faith in Castiel and Jack.

While lost in his own thoughts, Sam had completely missed the note that was hastily thrown and written on the table. It was from Eileen. 

_Hello Sam. I hope that you made it back alright and that Dean's okay. I got a call from California about a kitsune case. I wouldn't have gone except for the fact that no one can catch it and there's been a lot of deaths. I'll be back as soon as I can. Take care and don't do anything stupid. I love you. Eileen._

Sam sighed. Now Eileen was gone. Well, at least she wouldn't have to see Dean. If she would have seen his broken body, she would never have recovered. Sam wasn't too sure himself that he could ever get that sight out of his head. 

So Sam sat. And he waited for his brother to return to consciousness. 

* * *

_Everything's black. The pain is still there, but it's still. Nothing new has appeared in a while. For some reason the nightmares have stopped. No one is pointing at me now and calling me a failure, a fuckup, a disappointment, a mistake. No one is saying anything now. It's just dark. And it's lonely. I hate it. I hate being alone. I hate having nothing to see or hear. It's selfish. I push people away because I don't want them to die but at the same time I hate being alone and it's so selfish of me I know that but I can't help it I just don't want to be alone._

Dean's there in the darkness of his own mind. But now, for the first time in a very long time, he can form coherent thoughts. Well, not that coherent, but at least he's not plagued by the nightmares every time he sees his own mind. He still doesn't know if he's conscious or not - which is a massive problem. He thinks that he's unconscious, but he still can't tell because everything is still so, so dark. 

So dark and lonely. 

_It's quiet but just because it's quiet do you think that you're free? The nightmares are over but everything in them was true. You know it Dean. You can try to run and hide from it but you've bottled everything down all your life. How long did you think you could continue to drown yourself in alcohol? Your whole life? If you think that then you're just lying to yourself as you have been your whole life. It's over. Everyone hates you. It's over. You can't stop it. That's just how your life is supposed to be._

_But why? Why was I meant to suffer this way? I've tried. My whole life I've tried my hardest to give Sam a good life. And I still love dad. He's a good guy he just had a lot on his shoulders. Yes I was a raging asshole at times but come on, doesn't everyone deserve to be?_

No. You're just making excuses. You didn't try your hardest. All you did was thrust Sam into a life he didn't want and basically force him to be by your side. That's selfishness Dean. You were selfish. Hell you are selfish. You don't want to be alone yet you push everyone away? You can't have it both ways. Choose one or the other. 

_I can't._

Yes you can. You have to. Make up your mind. Or else everyone will leave you anyways. 

_No they won't._

You don't know that. 

_I know that Sam would never leave me behind and-_

He did though. Remember when he left you to go off to prissy college? He left you behind with dad to continue your life without him because he didn't care. He doesn't care. He didn't care when he left you. He didn't care when dad hit you. He didn't care when he walked out of that door and you begged him to stay. He's never cared about you Dean. Just accept it. 

_He does care remember Sam tried to find me when I was in Hell and Purgatory and..._

You're lying to yourself again. He didn't. As soon as you were gone he stopped. He dropped everything and ran. You know that he would jump up at the first chance he gets to go back. You can try to convince yourself otherwise, but you can't hide the facts. 

_Sam does care. And so does Cas. Cas loves me. And I love Cas. He would never leave me..._

Oh but he left you too. You pushed him away, Dean. You pushed him so far down and he couldn't get back up. You pushed him away unknowingly and he never came back. He hates you, Dean. He hates you because you push him away and only call him when you need him. 

_But Cas told me he loved me. I know I've failed him a ton of times and I know that I don't treat him the best, but I try. I just don't want to lose him again._

Excuses, Dean. Excuses. He's just a liability to you. Before Cas came, everything was fine. Now that he's here, your life has gone to shit. It's no longer just you and Sam. He's there. And he screws everything up. 

_No. He doesn't. Cas makes mistakes but he tries to correct them. He always tries his best._

He left you Dean. You pushed him too far and he left. Anyone would leave if they were treated the way you treated him. You only used him to get what you want. You never thought about him. To you, an angel of the lord was just a lamp. A lamp sitting in the corner. It's never thought about until it's being used. That's all he is to you Dean. And you know it. You don't love him. 

_I love Cas. He's the only person I've truly loved. It's just that he's an angel. He can't feel things. I can't tell him because he will just leave me like everyone else does._

That's all you think of your friends. You have no faith in them. You expect them to have faith in you but you don't return any in response. You assume that Cas will leave you. Does he deserve that? Does he deserve to be reduced down to that? 

_No. Of course not. Cas is my best- no he's not just my best friend. He's the love of my life and I would die for him. Well he was..._

So why did you let him die? Did you just let him be taken like that? You could have stopped him. You could have said something to him. You could have done so much more Dean, but you didn't. Why didn't you? 

_Because there was just so much to take in._

No. That's just another excuse and you know it. You may love Castiel, but you will never act on it. So he left you because he knew that. He knew that you would never tell him so he basically killed himself because you never told him you loved him back. 

_I couldn't._

Yes you could. But you were too weak and selfish to tell him. And now look. He's dead. And it's your fault.

_No it's not._

Oh yes it is. Everything that has happened is your fault because you were too fucked up to do anything about it. 

_Stop. Just stop. Get out of my head._

I'm not in your head. I am your head. I am everything you think and I am everything you're too cowardly to act upon. I'm everything that is true. I am your thoughts and regrets. You don't understand Dean. I can't stop because I am you. You've just buried me away for too long. And now look where you are. You're weak. You're too weak to keep everyone close to you. So they leave you or they just up and die, or even worse, you leave them. Think of all the hearts you've broken, Dean. You can't stop it. It's been like this all your life. 

_No that's not true just stop talking stop talking stop talking you're making everything worse you can't you're lying you're not me I'm not me you're not what I think that's not what I think you can't-_

And then he was falling. Falling, falling, down and down into the crevices of his own mind. His own darkness and trauma awaited him there. 

But

Then there was a light. 

Faint. Almost unnoticable. But it was there. A faint, yellow light. A light that looks like Jack. 

He saw it. It was there in the darkness. He reached out to it, desperately, pleadingingly, reaching. 

But he was falling. He couldn't reach it. It grew fainter and fainter until he couldn't even see it. He kept screaming for it, for that warm light that he could see. But then it was gone. And he was still falling. 

The only sound in the dark emptiness was the sound of his own screaming. 

* * *

"I've managed to recreate his eyes and repair his eardrums. He still won't be able to talk properly because of the brain damage, but at least he will be able to feel some things." Castiel said grimly. 

He and Jack had been there for at least five hours. Just standing there, healing Dean. It was taking an obvious toll on Jack. His forehead was covered in sweat and his hands were shaking. Healing was an easy task any angel could do, even more so for Jack, but since his powers were locked away, he was stressing because he had to let the power out only a little at a time. A very taxing process. Coupled with the fact that he was sharing power with Castiel was also taking its toll. 

"Jack. You can stop. Please don't push yourself too hard." 

"No, Castiel. I have to do this. It's my fault that he's like this." 

"Jack, stop. It's not your fault. This is no one's fault. Dean was just..." He paused for a moment. "Lost. He was just lost."

"But you don't understand. I could've stopped him. I had the power. I should've just let it out and-"

"JACK. Enough. This is NOT your fault. You couldn't control your powers. I understand. The blame is not yours to take. It's all of ours." 

Jack set his lips together in a thin line, but he nodded. 

"Are you sure that you will be fine on your own?" Jack asked tentatively. Castiel nodded.

"Go and check on Sam. He's probably really shaken up as well." 

Jack nodded and slowly he released his fingers from Dean's temple. Immediately, the tension on his mind lifted and he relaxed, but Castiel immediately tensed up and Dean's eyebrows scrunched together in pain. 

"Cas! I didn't know that would-" He stuttered out, but Castiel interrupted him.

"I'm fine. I'm fine. Just go to Sam. I'll call you if I have problems." 

Jack tried to protest, but he thought against it. He stood up and staggered a little, but he caught his footing and slowly headed off towards the main room to find Sam. 

Castiel turned his attention back to Dean. He didn't realize how much he had been relying on Jack. Now that it was just him, the process became much more difficult. He was feeling the repercussions, and it seemed that Dean also was. His face was now recognizable, thank goodness. But now he could truly see the pain that Dean was in. He was feverish and twitching a lot. His eyebrows were knitted together in all the pain. Not a single feeling of peace radiated from his body. Only pain. Castiel set his face firmer and focused harder on healing. He couldn't pin all of this on Jack. He was mostly responsible, so he had to fix everything. He had to fix Dean himself. 

* * *

3 days passed. 3 long days of nothing but waiting and repeated healing. Sometimes Jack and Castiel took turns, but mostly they stayed together. Glued to Dean's sides, trying their damndest to heal the hunter back somewhat to his original state. 

Sam tried to help, but he was also a wreck. He felt so much guilt on Dean's condition that he locked himself in his room for the majority of this time. Once in a while he and Eileen texted each other, sending words of condolence, but most of the time in his room was set in silence and grievance. He ran through every single possible scenario in his head on how he could have stopped Dean or at least convinced him to not fill his stomach full of alcohol. He should have gone with him. He should have talked to him more. He should have done something more. 

Castiel was also feeling the guilt. While the situation wasn't his fault at all, just seeing Dean and how broken he was caused Castiel to feel so much remorse over everything. He could have tried harder that day. He could have stopped Billie or not made that deal with The Empty or just done something more. He should have done something else. Something else so Dean wouldn't have had to go through this. 

As Jack sifted through all of Dean's injuries, he realized the full extent of them. If it weren't for the witch and angel magic, Dean would have died approximately 200 times over. As his grace traveled through Dean's body, he could feel all the fear, hatred, anger, sadness, and hopelessness Dean felt at that time. Castiel could feel it too. They could also feel the amount of sheer pain he went through. Those sadistic monsters spared no expense in making Dean feel everything that they felt. And then there was that curse that caused him to feel ten times more pain than what was needed. Then the nightmares. They could feel all the fear and loneliness in his nightmares. Trauma and repressed emotions came pouring out into his mind and he had to relive through everything that he hated about himself. 

All of this misery and pain was thrown together in a giant pot and then just dumped on top of him. 

And it broke Dean. Completely destroyed him. It would have broken anyone, but for Dean, it completely and utterly shattered both his body and soul. 

* * *

3 days after his rescue and 3 days of nonstop, constant healing, Dean Winchester opened his mesmerizing sea-green eyes for the first time in 8 months. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angsty Dean we love it  
> No not really our poor baby doesn't deserve this  
> But the ANGST


	5. The Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean awakens but being alive isn't all that it's cracked up to be  
> S1 Dean kind of makes an appearance, although very briefly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Working on revising everything! Chaps 1-4 should be somewhat readable now that I'm finally a little bit sober and can coherently write (not really it's still shitty writing because I actually have the brain cell of a wet carrot but at least it gets the point across)  
> Definitely lots of angsty Dean here but comfort shall come eventually first we gotta get the angst out of the way  
> NSFW WARNING: This chap has some smutty moments, but they don't lead anywhere. It's just horny Dean on main

**This chapter does have some self-harm elements to it, although they're not made in a willing mindset. Also check beginning note for NSFW warning. Again, proceed with these themes in mind.**

Dean knew that something was happening. Something massive. Something that could help him escape the confines of his head. In his own mind he was still falling, but that light he had seen had reappeared. Sometimes it was yellow, sometimes it was blue, but most of the time it was both yellow and blue. It felt warm and inviting, but it was growing at a slow pace. Despite this it wouldn't be long until it reached him. 

In his heart Dean knew that as soon as the light engulfed the darkness, he would be free. He would be free from this everlasting darkness and be reunited with Sam and...

...

A-And? 

James? J-Joe? Justin? Someone that started with a J that was for sure. But who? Who else was there? 

...Shit 

It had been so long since Dean had actual sanity in his head that he could barely remember anything about the "real world." Yes, he remembered Sam. Of course he remembered Sam. Sam was his brother.

His brother who abandoned him and left him with dad to go to college and left him to die and be tortured in Hell and Purgatory and who could be one of the most selfish people in the world and the person who didn't understand half of what Dean did for him and- 

_FUCK_

No no no no no no no no no no no no

That's not what Sam is. Sam is his brother. Sam loves him. Sam just wanted a happy life away from hunting, which he deserved. No one deserves the hunting life. Sam threw away everything to be with his brother. Sam didn't leave him. Sam is here to stay forever. 

_Get these thoughts out of your head Dean. You don't need them. They're not true._

Cas would still be gone. This was the hardest fact to grasp. Cas was taken by The Empty when Billie came. Cas had to die by telling Dean that he loved him. Cas died and it was his fault. Cas left him all alone. Dean pushed Cas away and Cas had no choice but to be killed because Dean fucked up so bad that there was nothing else to do. 

_No. It's not your fault Dean. Yes you could have done more but at the time it was just so much to take in. You love Cas and he loves you. When you get your shit together, you're going to rescue him and tell him your feelings. Don't let the negative thoughts continue. You can do this. Just calm down. Stop thinking, stop feeling, stop dreaming. Just let the light come._

He continued to stare at the warm light that continued to come his way. He could reach out his fingers and almost touch it. Just a little bit more... A little more... More, more, more...

And there it was. It barely brushed his fingers, but he could feel it. The warmth of the sun was on his fingertips and it was so, so comforting. It was the only happy thing that had happened to him in forever. But it was there. A bright light that he could feel. 

It continued to spread throughout his body, warming his bones and spreading a feeling of peace to his festered mind. He sank into it and basked in its glory. Such warmth was welcoming after the biting coldness he had experienced for a lifetime. 

It couldn't last forever though, no matter how much he begged. Since when do we get what we deserve? 

The feelings of helpnessless and hatred came flooding back despite the fact that the light was now fully covering him. 

Dean turned his head and there it was. The darkness was still there. The light had it cornered, but the black was now condensed into a single corner of his mind and he could tell that it was waiting for the light to leave so that it could explode, leaving Dean suffocating in it again. 

No. He couldn't let that happen. 

His instincts screamed at him to turn tail and leave, to continue in the opposite direction and keep heading towards the light. But he knew that if he did, the repercussions would bite his ass sometime in the future, like they always did. He had to do something to that darkness so that he would never have to see it again. 

And so he did the only thing he knew how to do. He locked it away. It didn't go down without a fight, but he somehow managed to rope it in as it screamed. 

In his mind, he recreated the Ma'lak box and shoved the trauma, fear, pain, and other ungodly emotions into it. It was the best he could do without outside intervention. But he was very confident that it would hold. He would force himself if it came to it. Just like Michael. He shuddered as he remembered the feeling of helplessness as Michael violated his body.

But Michael was gone. All of that was over.

He would hold the demons there until he died. He couldn't let any of this escape. If he did, then he knew that his mind would fold in on itself and he would probably be put in the loony bin. 

He didn't know how this would affect him on the outside. When he would be reunited with Sam and... James. 

But he couldn't let them see that. It would crush them as it crushed him. They didn't deserve that. They deserved to be able to not worry about him for a while. 

The box continued to scream and shake and attempt to break itself, but Dean held fast. He clenched his fists and breathed deeply. 

He could do this. He did it with Michael so he could do it with some shitty memories. 

Dean turned his head towards the light. It covered the box and then he was being lifted up out of his mind. 

He didn't notice the tiny cracks appearing on the outside of the box. 

* * *

Sam watched expectantly as Dean's fresh eyes opened and adjusted to their surroundings. He watched as Dean slowly sat up from the bed and swiveled his head around. He watched as Dean's eyes widened in shock as he saw Castiel and Jack standing together. He just hoped that Dean's mind wouldn't be too far gone, or if it was, it would at least be able to be somewhat fixed. 

But his fears were trod upon as Dean's face widened into a trademark glistening smile. He clapped Sam on the back and with a bubbly tone of voice, said

"Heya, Sammy." 

Jack and Castiel turned to each other in shock and Sam's face scrunched in confusion and he struggled to find words to say. 

"Uh, hey. Dean. Uhm. How... How are you feeling?" 

Dean straightened his arms and rubbed his legs. He would have to stretch his appendages out later. Those suckers were as tight as his ass was in a pair of shorts. 

"I'm feelin' peachy Sam. Just peachy. Feels like I woke up from a coma, not like that's new to us." He confidently said. 

The confusion remained on Sam's face as he fumbled in his head over how to react. 

Dean was stable. Castiel and Jack had done a wonderful job of healing all of his external wounds. There were a few places here and there that were visibly bruised and abused, but those were injuries that could heal on their own. All of the exposed internal parts that were life threatening were fine. 

But Dean's head was obviously screwed up somewhere. 

While Dean was checking out his body and just looking totally unfazed by everything, Sam beckoned Jack and Castiel over to a corner where they conversed in hushed voices. 

"Jack. Cas. What the hell's wrong now?" Sam hissed out. Jack just looked confused.

"I-I don't know. We were just healing him and then he woke up. You saw it Sam. We weren't doing anything to his head." Jack responded. 

"Well, his body's fine. I get that. But what about his head? Why is he being like this?" 

"I don't know Sam! I don't know what happened." 

Sam was now filling with worry and anger. What the actual hell? After he had been tortured in the Cage, he sure as hell didn't feel "peachy" afterwards, he felt like... Well soulless. 

Soulless. 

Was Dean's soul there? Or did it completely shatter while Jack and Castiel were healing him?

"Ok. His head's screwed up. What about his soul? Is it there or did it get left behind somewhere?" 

Jack looked confused for a moment. Where was Dean's soul? He had been so focused on healing his bodily wounds that he had completely forgotten about the very life essence of humans. An idiotic mistake on his part. 

He searched for Dean's soul, but it wasn't there. Upon this realization, Jack started panicking. If the soul had gone up to Heaven, then he would've felt it. But it hadn't. So where was his soul now? 

Jack searched again. He dug deep into the forces of Dean's mind and desperately searched. If Dean's soul was gone, then there would be no getting it back because it was merely a glimmer. If it went missing, then it would disappear before you had a chance to even search for it. Sure, Dean could survive soulless, but when he would ultimately die of natural causes or of something else, then he would go nowhere. He would not find eternal peace in Heaven where he belonged, and Sam would live in eternity without his brother. No, that could not happen. He had to find Dean's soul somewhere. 

But then there it was. In the dark crevices of the deepest parts of Dean's trauma-ridden head, he found it. It was locked tight in a large box that vividly resembled the Ma'lak box he had been forced into a while ago. 

Then it all clicked into place. 

Jack opened his eyes and slowly closed off the wall to his godly powers. 

"Dean's like this because he locked away his soul." He grimly said.

Sam and Castiel recoiled in shock.

"Why in the hell would he do that?" Castiel hissed under his breath.

"He locked it away with all of his trauma. His soul felt the brunt of the torture, and so to cope he locked it away along with the rest of the burdens he carries. Right now he's reverted into his "soulless" state as you would call it." Jack replied in a distant tone. 

"So what? Is he going to stay like this? Do we need to rescue his soul or something?" Sam asked, major desperation leaking into his voice. If anyone knew what it was like to be soulless, it was Sam. While it wasn't painful or unpleasant, he knew that he did majorly stupid things, like letting Dean become a vampire that one time. No, he couldn't let that happen. They had to rescue Dean's soul somehow. 

"I would advise against that. Dean locked his soul away because he knew that he wouldn't be able to face reality in a sane way. He locked it away along with all the trauma he's experienced. And I mean all of it. He's reverted back to his state of mind that he possessed over a decade ago. All the pain he's felt all these years in Hell, Purgatory, and Earth, all of that's been buried away." 

After Jack's words, Sam tried to speak again, but he couldn't find the words. It made perfect sense. Dean's "new" personality that he had witnessed definitely resembled the Dean over fifteen years ago, when Dean was still young and full of vigor. Nothing like the depressed and miserable mindset he had formed over the years. 

But all of that was minor details. As much as he loved younger Dean, it wasn't the Dean he knew. He needed his big brother back, trauma and all the other shit he's shouldered all these years. 

"So how do we get him back?" Sam asked, ready to give up his own soul if it meant getting Dean back.

"We don't." Jack firmly stated.

"What... What do you mean? No? You mean he's just going to be stuck like this forever?" 

"Well, not exactly. But we can't just let all of his trauma out. That would be disasterous Sam. It would break him." 

"But what's happening now _is_ breaking him. This isn't Dean, Jack. We have to get him back." 

"I know Sam, I know. But you didn't see what I saw. This isn't some small chocolate box of trauma. This is the trauma, fear, pain, hopelessness, and just about every harmful emotion Dean's felt all this time, pretty much his whole life's worth. It's also forty years' worth of torture in Hell. Sam, this isn't something we can just dig up and bury again. I hate to say it but Dean made the right call in trying to bury all of it. If he hadn't, he would be far worse than what he already is." 

Sam sighed in exasperation. He understood where Jack was coming from, but he couldn't stand to see his brother suffering so. He also hated the helpless feeling that had settled in from the past three days. He needed to do something to help ease Dean's pain, even if just a little. 

"Alright. I get it. Let's just check on him again and see how he feels. Then we'll discuss what to do with him." 

Castiel and Jack nodded solemnly and they approached Dean's bed again. 

Dean was lying down on it, but as he heard the three pairs of footsteps clomping towards him, his eyes opened and he smiled at them. 

"What's up hot stuff?" He teased. 

Castiel looked questioningly towards Sam, but the moose just shrugged his shoulders. Dean just chuckled and shook his head. 

"You always were a dunce, Sammy." 

Sam internally winced as memories resurfaced. Jerk. Bitch. Puppy eyes. Bitch face. All the terms Dean had coined and all their friendly banter they had shared earlier in their lives was so enjoyable. Sam missed those times desperately, and at times it seemed like they were so far away and never to return. 

Dean was now saying them again. His stupid little phrases. In any other situation Sam would have been elated, but not this time. This wasn't Dean talking. It was just the shell of his body. They weren't the same. 

"How are you feeling Dean? Do you feel sick or hurt anywhere?" Sam tentatively asked. 

Dean's head just nodded up and down like a stupid bobblehead. He seemed so insouciant at the moment that Sam found it hard to believe that this was his brother sitting there. If he hadn't seen Dean's battered self with his own eyes, he would have actively refused to believe that this happy-go-lucky oaf was his big brother. 

Sam's exasperation grew along with his fear. Would Dean actually be stuck like this forever? When Sam was released from the Cage and Castiel let the wall down that was in his mind, Sam certainly knew what it felt like to be batshit insane from the horrific thoughts. He knew better than anyone. But he never realized how frustrating it was to be on the other side. The one who could see all of this happening to a person he loved, but yet not being able to do anything. He now understood why Dean had let Gadreel in. At the time, it seemed like he didn't have a choice.

It certainly felt like Sam didn't have any choices now. 

Whilst Sam pondered his feelings, Dean's face had mysteriously clouded over. His derpy grin was replaced by a thin line of his lips, and his face was shadowed over. However, the other three men in the room failed to notice this change. 

But as soon as it had happened, the darkness withdrew. Dean went back to smiling happily at them. Then his gaze shifted to Castiel. His eyebrows knitted together in thought, but then a wicked idea formed in his head and his face broadened into a grin. 

"Hey guys. I don't mean to be uh, rude or anything, but do you think you could leave?" 

Sam, Jack, and Castiel all turned around to look at him, all of them bewildered at Dean's random request. Why did he want them gone? Had they done something to piss him off? 

"Well, actually... The angel can stay. I want to chat with him a bit, if ya don't mind." He winked at Castiel with his usual flirty vigor and stared daggers at Sam and Jack. 

Castiel's face flushed a little but he turned towards the other two, waiting for their reactions. Sam just looked stupified but Jack looked very worried and confused, as always. Dean then raised his eyebrows at the two of them and Sam threw up his hands in exasperation. 

"Come on Jack. Let's just see what he wants. The worst he can do is die." Sam grumbled. He grabbed Jack by the shoulders and the two of them headed towards the main room, silently shutting the door behind him. 

When Jack and Sam left, Castiel turned to face Dean who was still sitting stupidly on the bed, a somewhat glazed look on his eyes. 

"Dean, why did you ask-" 

But before Cas could finish his sentence, Dean sat up and grabbed Castiel's face. Then his lips crashed into his and Dean fell on top of him and they toppled to the floor. The hunter's arms wrapped around the angel's shoulders as they were locked together in a passionate kiss. 

A million thoughts ran through Castiel's mind at that moment. 

_What the hell? Dean? What are you doing? Why is he kissing me? I never thought this would happen all this time I've wanted to kiss him but not now. Not under these circumstances. Dean would never kiss me. Why is he doing so now?_

Castiel tried to push Dean away, and to be honest it wasn't that hard since all of Dean's muscles were virtually nonexistent. But Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel's head now, bringing their kiss in deeper. 

Now somewhat angered, Castiel managed to wring Dean out of his grasp and nearly threw him back on the bed. He wiped his lips and turned to stare at Dean with a straight look on his face. He was about to reprimand Dean and ask what the _fuck_ he was doing, but the sight which met him was not one he expected.

Dean was lying on the bed, nearly having a seizure. Sweat dripped out of every pore on his head and body, his eyes were wide and shaking, his chest rose and fell shakily and out of rhythm as he struggled to breathe, and his limbs were twitching and convulsing. 

Castiel was then seized with panic and he set his fingers to Dean's forehead, pouring grace into them and watching as Dean's panicked eyes finally relaxed and he stopped moving. 

Was that a seizure? 

It was hard to tell. Castiel had never dealt with seizures before, but he couldn't tell what Dean was going through. It was very possible that he could have developed seizures during the time he was being held captive, as his brain had suffered enough damage to go through that. But if that was a seizure, then why would it occur after he and Jack had fixed his brain. Did they happen to miss a spot? 

All of his anger was gone from the kiss though, as it had evolved from anger to concern. 

But what could he do now? Dean had just kissed him. Cas had hoped that this moment would happen ever since he rescued Dean's broken soul from Hell. While he was somewhat elated it had finally happened, it wasn't something he could derive joy from. Dean wasn't himself. It wasn't a kiss that he meant. It was just a kiss with no feeling behind it. If this was the case, what was its purpose?

Castiel was so lost in his thoughts that he failed to notice Dean's eyes fluttering open. He also failed to notice when Dean slowly rose from the bed and crept up behind the angel. When he finally noticed Dean, it was too late. Dean appeared in front of him with a stupid grin on his face. 

Castiel opened his mouth to say something but Dean pushed Cas down on the bed and straddled his stomach. He pushed his lips to Cas's once again and his hips started to grind against the angel's nether regions.

Castiel tried to say something, to protest, to fight back, but Dean just kept kissing and breathing on him. The urge to kiss back was stifling, but he relented and kept trying to push Dean off. Unfortunately, for some unknown reason, his body seemed sapped of strength.

Dean's lips broke apart from his and words came out, oozing of sweet, sweet seductiveness. 

"Hey Cas." Dean whispered sensually in his ear, causing quiet shudders to travel up Castiel's spine. "Fuck me. Fuck me like we're dying. Push me into the bed, thrust that juicy cock in my ass, and make me scream. You know you want to, so just do it." 

At these words, Castiel nearly lost his self control. He had hoped and prayed for so long for Dean would say those words. And now, they had finally come out of those sweet, pure and plump lips with pure sexiness dripping off of them. 

Before he could stop himself, a low rumble escaped his throat. He roughly kissed back and flipped Dean on his back. Now Castiel was on top and had Dean pinned to the bed, his right knee locked inbetween Dean's legs and his arms pinning down the latter's. 

Dean laughed and tugged on Castiel's tie, teasing him. 

"Yeah, that's it. You sexy, sexy angel." He seemingly purred. "Just do it. Let's just forget everything for one night. Forget everything except the passion and love we have for each other. Forget all the pain and suffering. Just remember our love. One night, Cas. One night." His green eyes met with blue and his tongue creeped out, licking his dry lips lustily. 

The urge was so, so tempting. Right now, he could have everything he ever wanted and just be with Dean for one night. One night of nothing but the two of them and their love fusing them together. One night and they could be lovers like he'd always wanted.

But no. That would be taking advantage of Dean in his derived state. That would further hurt Dean, which was the exact opposite of what Castiel wanted. Sure, he wanted to be with the sexy hunter for the rest of his days, but not if this hunter was basically insane. 

"No Dean. I can't. This isn't you talking. I don't know what it is, but it's not you. Talk to me, Dean. Please just talk to me for once. What's wrong? What's happening?" Castiel pleaded. 

Dean just stared at him for a good ten seconds. He then sighed and pushed Castiel off of their awkward position. He mumbled something under his breath, something so faint that even Castiel's super sensitive hearing couldn't pick it up. 

"What did you say?" 

"Nuthin.'"

"Dean. I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong. What did you say?"

"Ah sai' s'hurts." 

"Dean? What hurts? Do I need to heal you more?" 

"No. Ma hea' hurs." 

Dean's once wide eyes were now gently fluttering like a butterfly's wings. He struggled to keep them open until finally he couldn't anymore. He gently fell asleep in less than five seconds, leaving a bewildered Castiel to watch his chest rise and fall with small breaths. 

* * *

In Dean's unconscious mind, the box exploded. It wasn't meant to last, even Dean couldn't deny that. It wasn't a matter of "if" it would break, but more of "when." Well, "when" was very soon. Too soon. Much sooner than Dean anticipated. There was just too much bottled up to be contained.

When everything escaped, Dean's soul escaped as well and he was left in disbelief and sorrow as he wandered the confines of his mind. He had a vague idea of the events that had just passed, even if it wasn't fully him that was out there. 

Dean's horniness was mostly to distract himself from the painful pressure and stabbing sensations in his head from the box. To forget, he reverted to a feral state of mind running solely on emotion and feelings. His emotions at that point consisted of only Castiel and getting rammed into the bed. 

He knew that he was going to lose all sense of self and life when the box broke, so in a last and final desperate attempt, he tried. He tried to do the one thing he wanted while he could, and that was make Castiel his. 

But ultimately, he failed. He was too assertive, too pushy. Castiel likes slow burns, not in-your-face passion. 

And so Dean was forced to fall back into the darkness, but he couldn't have had the satisfaction of having Castiel. Even for just one night. 

Besides, Castiel was dead. Unless he miraculously came back from The Empty somehow, the love of his life was dead. He had seen with his own two eyes the black tendrils reaching through and pulling him in. He was dead. 

So those few moments of consciousness, even if they weren't him and just him as a soulless SOB, were probably false. False hope. A false reality that he built up where Castiel, Jack, and Sam were all living happily in the Bunker. It was just another cruel trick his brain played on him. That little bit of consciousness was fake. He was stupid to believe that it was real. 

Castiel is dead. 

He finally found the remains of the Ma'lak Box. It had been shattered into pieces like a pane of glass hurled out of a window. He had tried his damn hardest to make it as sturdy as possible, but there was just too much.

Dark shadows were flying above it and a massive black cloud was hovering over the entirety of his headspace. 

And said black cloud was expanding at a massive pace. 

He sighed. This time, there wouldn't be any light to cover him. It would only be neverending darkness. Jack had tried his best, Dean knew that. He was just too much of a fuckup to make any use of the poor kid's effort. Because of his mistakes, he would now be engulfed by the shadows of his own mind. But by now, he was used to it. 

At least the majority of the physical pain was gone. If somehow Sam and Jack could bring him back to his senses, then not all hope would be lost. 

Dean could only watch as the cloud grew. Tears started to roll down his face as he realized his fate. He would be stuck there. Hopefully not forever, but it would be a damn long time. He had mentally prepared himself for this, but that didn't mean that he wanted it. He wanted anything else other than this. 

He didn't want to be insane. He didn't want to be eaten by dark and depressive thoughts all the time. He didn't want the phantom pains of everything to remain. He just wanted to be damn happy for at least one day. 

Or one night. With Castiel. The light in his world of darkness. 

Well, no use in wishing right now. He had to accept his fate and probably go insane in the process. 

The cloud covered him and the feelings of self-loathing, hatred, pain, depression, anxiety, abandonment, hopelessness, and just about everything else smothered him. 

The pain of the time he had been kept captive in both Hell and in the hands of the monsters. 

The pain of his own father hitting him or screaming at him for something he had no control over. 

The anxiety he has over everyone abandoning him or leaving him alone to die. 

The hatred he feels for himself and sometimes Sam because both of them are just so stubborn and stupid at times.

But mostly the hatred for himself.

This is the real Dean Winchester. The hunter who's just Daddy's blunt little instrument. That's all he is. If he tried to prove otherwise, well that would just be wrong. This swirl of negativity is who he really is and he can't run from it. He can box it up as much as he wants, but it's going to explode eventually, as now showing. 

He felt his consciousness rousing. Amongst the thoughts, he sighed. He knew that he wouldn't be himself. He just hoped that somehow Sam could rescue him. 

His last thought before he was taken was _I hope Castiel isn't suffering too much. He doesn't deserve that._

And then his soul succumbed to the swirling darkness of his own demons. 

* * *

"How the fuck did he just pass out?" Sam yelled at a tense Castiel. 

He wanted to slam his fists on something and shake Dean awake, but that would be useless. He knew it. He just hated feeling so helpless as his brother suffered inside his own head. 

"I don't know!" Castiel remonstrated. "One minute I was trying to talk to him, and the other he was just... On top of me." 

It had been over an hour since Dean slipped into unconsciousness and since Castiel had told both him and Jack of what had happened. They both looked obscurely at Cas as he described the sudden upsurge of Dean's sex drive, but Jack somehow came to the conclusion that he was fueled by emotions with no filter because he had locked his soul away. Kind of like what Sam did when he was soulless, but instead of being an utter asshole, Dean was just really horny for an angel. 

Sam made a quick mental note to never let Dean's soul leave his body. That is, if he ever returned to them. 

Now the three of them were standing at the foot of Dean's bed again, waiting for him to either wake up or remain like this forever. Even Jack couldn't tell what was going on inside of his head. 

Another long hour passed and Sam was just about to leave to get a glass of water or do something that would get his mind off of his brother when Dean awoke. 

This time, the reaction was what the three of them expected to happen the first time. 

As soon as his green eyes snapped open, Dean let out a blood-curdling scream. 

Castiel and Jack were relatively ready though, and they restrained Dean as he started to flail in the bed. Jack pressed his palm to his forehead, but Dean continued to scream murder. He pressed harder, and a faint yellow light entered Dean's head and he calmed down a little. Jack slowly removed his hand and Dean started screaming again. 

He threw off the angel and the literal god and knocked over the medroom's table and scurried into a corner, eyes wide in sheer terror and pain. They were already bloodshot and seemingly bulging out of their sockets. 

Jack, Castiel, and Sam slowly approached the terrified man, but that did very little to help. Dean curled up into a tight ball and pushed himself up in the corner as far as he could go without breaking the wall. His breathing became ragged and he started scratching at his arm. Brutally. His nails tore into the newly formed flesh and drew long strips of blood all over his arms. 

Castiel approached Dean as a person would approach a scared dog. Dean froze and watched with shaky and panicky breaths as Cas slowly held his arms out, using a soft voice to speak comforting words to him. 

"Dean. You are in the Bunker. Sam is here along with Jack and I, Castiel. You are safe. There are no monsters here." 

These words were made in vain though as Dean started to scream again, probably rupturing his windpipes with the volume he was at. He then continued to lacerate his own skin, this time moving to his legs as well as his arms. 

Now with no choice, Castiel roughly grabbed Dean's hands and held them above his head so that he would stop scoring his own beautiful skin. 

But doing this was a mistake. 

Dean stared up at Castiel with the same terrified eyes he had given the monsters. 

And he withered like a dying flower. 

No longer was Dean a terrified shell of a person. No. 

Now, he was just a doll. 

A limp doll that was subject to any kind of behavior that anyone could inflict upon it. 

Castiel felt Dean's muscles loosen and all the fight go out of his body as he was thrust into the familiar pose of his torturers. 

His eyes turned deadpan, but they didn't lose any fear to them. The terror was there, but it was overshadowed by the utter hopelessness that Dean had experienced 8 months ago. 

Upon seeing this sudden change, Castiel let his arms go. 

When the tension was released in his arms, Dean wasted no time and continued to lacerate any exposed skin he could find with his long fingernails. 

Castiel let out a cry of horror and held Dean's arms again and watched helplessly as Dean's body fell limp again. He shot a helpless look towards Sam and Jack, but they only returned the same to him. 

How the fuck were they supposed to fix him now? He wasn't even a person at this point, just a terrified animal trapped inside a cage. 

As if to prove this point, Dean let off a mournful howl. Not a howl like a werewolf would do at the moon or a dog at a siren, no this was a howl filled with sorrow and depression that only a broken hearted person could make. 

Castiel sighed heavily and put his fingers on Dean's forehead, trying to send him to sleep. This didn't work though and Castiel looked at his hand, utterly baffled.

The trauma and darkness ran so deep inside of Dean that not even angelic grace could penetrate it. 

So they wouldn't be able to heal Dean at all. 

Unless Jack used his God powers, but it would take a ton of power to even get to Dean's soul, much less bring it back to the surface. The toll that would take would be too great on Jack. If they made him do that, then he could lose control or kill Dean somehow. That was far too risky. 

What could they do now? 

Castiel shook his head. They would have to think of that later. For now, they would have to unfortunately restrain Dean so that he wouldn't be able to hurt himself. This would definitely panic him, but they didn't have a choice. He would kill himself if left unrestrained. 

Cas picked Dean up, who was still a limp ragdoll. In a gruff voice filled with sorrow he explained the situation to Sam and Jack. 

"My grace won't work on him. There's too much darkness in his mind. I don't know how we'll heal him, but it will be a long process. For now, we need to restrain him as comfortably as possible and work out a plan." 

Jack and Sam nodded solemnly and they set out to fix up the spare bedroom. They feared that if they used Dean's, he would tear it up and destroy everything in it. That would crush him even more. 

Castiel followed and held Dean tightly to his chest. He looked like a child, all skin and bones and clutching at Castiel's trenchcoat with white knuckles. Castiel then tried to heal the deep wounds he had inflicted upon himself with his nails, but for some reason his grace was blocked out from healing external as well as internal wounds. 

He gently layed Dean down on the spare bed and watched sadly as Sam gently tied pieces of firm but soft cloth around Dean's arms and legs. It was the best they could do at the time. It wasn't like they had fuzzy handcuffs laying around everywhere. At least if he struggled with the cloth, he wouldn't injure himself further. 

Dean continued to lay like a deadman on the bed. Even when Sam finished restraining his appendages, Dean's eyes remained wide and open, but there was no movement other than the erratic rise and fall of his chest. 

The three of them thought that he was relatively stable and under a little bit of control until Dean slightly opened his mouth and let a few words spill out. The heartbreaking phrases shook all of them deep down to the core of their beings. 

"Sam. Sammy. Please. Don't do this. Don't leave me alone with dad. You don't know what he does to me when you're gone. Please don't. Sam. You don't understand. Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sammy... Please don't leave me alone. I need you. I'm lonely." He choked out.

Hot tears started streaming down his face as he made eye contact with the fake Sam in his fake world, not the real Sam in the real world. 

"I'm so lonely." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for longer chapter that's mostly filler! But I think it fit in well to the overall theme of Dean being a chaotic depressed bean so I'm keeping it in. Much love my fellow destihellers who can't escape this goddamn show <3333  
> Also thank you all so much for the kind comments and kudos! They mean a lot to me and keep my motivation up to continue writing this mess. Smooches to all of you, my lovely comrades


	6. The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean trauma inbound  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Writing this and watching the 36 minute Destiel video at the same time while chewing my nails off? More likely than you think.  
> Mostly a filler chapter that's really sad but that's the whole point of this fic, to make you feel sad because Dean didn't deserve any of this  
> :(

**Past abuse, torture, bad parent John Winchester, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, and daddy issues ahead. Please read with caution.**

_Nearly two decades ago, Sam Winchester left his big brother Dean alone and pursued a "normal" college life without monsters. This night was one of the worst nights Dean had ever experienced. Not only did Sam leave him alone, but his father, John, didn't take this betrayal of family too lightly._

"Dad, listen. I'm really sorry but I couldn't stop him. He just packed his bags and left. H-He... said he wanted to go to Stanford. That he was tired of this life. Dad you gotta understand, I tried my damndest to get him to stop but-"

The blow to the right side of his face was unexpected but not surprising. It toppled Dean over and he staggered to the floor of the motel room, clutching his swelling cheek. Blood started oozing out of his nose and leaking into his agape mouth. 

"After all I've done for you boys... After everything. I've dragged your sorry asses around my entire _FUCKING_ life and this is the thanks I get? An ungrateful bitch who wants to run away and a disappointment who can't do anything right even after twenty years?" 

Dean opened his mouth to say something, anything to console his father and tell him that he appreciated all that he had done for the two of them. Tell him that despite everything that's ever happened, he'll stay by his side and somehow get Sam back to them. That he will try harder and- 

This time, the force of a steel-toed boot hit his ribcage. The force blew all the air out of his lungs and he gasped in pain. And then another one came, but with more force, and it landed on the back of his head. Dean curled his fingers around his ribcage and his head, hissing at the throbbing sensations that were spreading all over his body. Under his hand, he felt the hot and sticky feeling of blood on his head. 

"D-Dad. P-Please stop. I understand that you're mad, but I swear that I'll get him back. Sam is my responsibility so I swear to God that I-" 

His words were interrupted as John grabbed his shirt collar and lifted him up off the floor. Dean was forced into his father's face, which was scrunched up in ugly fury. Dean hated seeing his father like this, but right now all that mattered was his own survival. If he tried to offer words of sympathy to his dad, they would only be met with rage. As John spoke, hot spittle splashed on Dean's bloodied face. 

"Oh, you're going to get him back eh? Because he's your "responsibility." What a joke you all are. Why don't you just leave too, you filthy parasite. You know you want to, so just take your stuff and get the fuck out of my sight!" 

"No, dad. I would never leave you and you know that." Dean managed to whimper out, but John continued on his tirade. 

"So now you're just _assuming_ that you know what I feel about you? Huh? Well then if you're so goddamn smart and responsible then how the fuck did your brother leave?" 

"I don't know. He just left." He rasped. 

John brought his other hand up, the one that wasn't holding Dean by the neck, and throttled the man's head again. Dean fell over and groaned deeply. He could feel his consciousness slipping away, but he had to stay awake. If he passed out here, he would wake up to an even angrier John. 

Upon seeing Dean in such a submissive and pitiable state, John sighed in anger. He stepped on his son's unmoving body and growled harsh words in his ear.

"As soon as you're done feeling sorry for yourself, pick up your shit and get ready to leave. You should feel grateful that I'm even considering hauling your sorry ass around with me. If you feel that sorry for yourself, then pick up some beer or something since I know you like to do that when I'm not watching. But until you get your shit together, I'm leaving." 

John lifted his heavy boot off his son and picked up a half-empty beer bottle left on the rotting table. Then he opened the door and slammed it shut with so much force that it seemed like the entire room rattled in fear. 

This would be the last time Dean saw his father for a very long time. 

As his vision blurred with tears and stars, and his head started to succumb to blankness, Dean managed to find the power to utter out two simple words. Two words that he had spoken like a mantra every day. 

"Yes sir." 

_Over a decade ago, Dean was killed and sent to Hell. There, he was constantly flayed, burned, pierced, and forced to endure just about every form of torture one could come up with. So much so that he felt like he would go insane any day. After 30 long years of being tortured, Dean finally relented and became the torturer. Upon learning that this would serve as the first seal breaking to Lucifer's Cage, Dean sank into a state of depression and self-hated that Sam unearthed one fateful day._

"Dean, you have to get your head out of your ass. I get it, you were in Hell for 40 years. But you have to focus on what's happening right now. Lucifer's out, we have angels and demons looking for our heads, Castiel isn't helping... The list goes on!" 

"I get it Sam. You don't have to keep telling me what I already know." 

"Then why are you still moping around like you just got rejected by your prom date?" 

"Sam, why are you on my fucking case man? What's your problem?" 

"Dean my problem is that we're going to DIE if we even talk wrong and you don't seem to care!" 

"I do care Sam! What the hell is wrong with you? Can't you just give me time to breathe?" 

"I haven't had any time to breathe ever since you died! You're not the only one who's suffering right now!" 

"What do you know about suffering Sam? Huh? What do you know about living every day in pain and terror, not knowing if it will ever end?" 

"Of course I don't know anything about that Dean. But come on! You have to forget about that for just a while. I can help you as soon as we don't have a bounty over our heads."

"I don't need help. I just need to think of something to do to get us out of this mess!" 

"Oh, look. You're finally thinking of something useful. Care to share with the rest of us?" 

"Sam, you've been a giant jackass since you teamed up with Ruby." 

"Oh so now you're going to bring Ruby up? Look Dean I did all that I could, I had no idea that she would betray us like that."

"You teamed up with a demon Sam, a demon. In what kind of world would that go right? And on top of that you fucked her. You fucked a demon and then you probably drank her blood like some sort of kinky vampire or sumthin'." 

"Ok you know what Dean? I've had it up to here with your bullshit. I'm leaving. I'm done. I'm so fucking done." 

"Wait, Sam. No. I didn't mean it-"

"No Dean. You've stepped too far. I don't know if or when I'll be back, but I'm leaving. And if I die, well then I guess your life will improve." 

Dean tried to protest, but the door slammed as Sam trudged out like John did a long time ago. The slam echoed in his head and then he was left alone in the dark motel room with a closed door and closed windows. Dean gulped and stared at the door for a long time before he approached and silently opened it, hoping that Sam would be out there, that his threat was just a bluff.

But Sam wasn't there. 

Even after searching for over an hour, Dean couldn't find his baby brother anywhere. 

He hated their arguments. He hated yelling with his own brother. It made him sick to his stomach. He hated the feeling of loneliness that would follow afterwards. They were family, in fact the only family they had. When they fought, the entire family split apart. 

Dean headed back towards the motel and silently sat on the bed. He set his head in his hands and his back rose and fell shakily as he struggled to fight back tears. After he regained his composure, he blinked and lifted his head. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a shadowy figure approaching him. He snapped his head towards it. 

It was John Winchester. The same John Winchester that had nearly beat him to death the night that Sam had left for college. 

"No. No, dad. I'm sorry I was mad I'm sorry I didn't mean to push him away I just was angry because he doesn't know what it was like down there and-" 

But the shadow of his father only stared in disappointment, silent. Somehow this was even worse than being physically beaten. 

"Look, I will find Sam. I always have. So please just don't hit me again." 

The shadow stood still. 

"Godammit Sam why'd you have to leave. Y-You know that I hate being alone. I hate it so much. I hate it when you leave me alone. I can't tell you but I hate it so goddamn much and I can't control it. Please don't abandon me Sammy. I get mad at you and you leave, but I don't mean it. You don't have to leave. Don't leave me alone." 

A sense of deep fear buried itself in Dean's heart. A fear so dark and unprecented that Dean thought that his heart stopped. He looked down at his hands and they were shaking so violently it was like he was in negative temperatures. His eyes started shaking on their own accord and an overwhelming sense of dizziness set in his head. 

At this moment, Dean experiences his first panic attack. While he's alone. 

At first, it was only a slight hitching in his breath. Something so simple. He choked up a little, but it wasn't anything too concerning. He had been choked by both monsters and people before. He could handle a little bit of lost air. 

Then that evolved into the heartbeats. They were too loud, erratic. They beat in his eardrums like gunshots. Dean covered his ears, trying to dull out the sound, but it was his own heart. He couldn't stop it. 

The chills started. Then the heat. The chills and heat and twitching. His limbs were moving on their own, convulsing, as if they were fish out of water. 

He told himself to stop it. It was okay. Dad wasn't there and Sam would be coming back. Everything would be fine. He was just freaking out for no reason. 

But he couldn't stop. 

He collapsed on the bed and it felt like an invisible force had grabbed his lungs. He couldn't breathe at all. Everytime he opened his mouth to gasp in some air, his throat closed and allowed nothing to come in nor escape. He gasped and clawed at his neck, but nothing happened. 

Intense terror filled every part of him. Terror that was unlike a terror he had ever felt before. It was hard to describe it, but he was so goddamn terrified of _so_ _mething_ but _nothing_ was there. 

Well, he was terrified of being alone. Perhaps that was the trigger. 

Dean's chest tightened as his heart continued to pump harder than it ever had before. It felt like something was squeezing both his heart and lungs, but his heart was beating with the intensity of a drum while his lungs stopped working. He couldn't breathe and his heart was going so fast that it felt like it would burst. 

He grabbed the bedsheets and tried his hardest to calm himself. He thought positively, thought of good times, thought of Castiel. 

Immediately, his throat loosened and he could manage to pull in giant gasps of air. He sat up and started panting hard. 

His arms and legs stopped twitching, but they had gone painstakingly numb. He tried to lift his right arm, but it was useless. 

He flopped back down on the bed and stared at the disgusting motel ceiling.

As quick as it had come, the attack had stopped. In reality it had lasted about five minutes, but time seems to move faster when you experience these. 

Dean continued to stare at the disgusting ceiling, and then thought of his own disgusting thoughts. He had no idea what that was, nor why it happened. But he could never let Sam or Castiel or anyone else see this side of him. He had to hide it. If anyone saw how feeble he was, they would be disgusted at him or leave him because of his own weakness at the slightest thought of abandonment. 

No. He wouldn't let that happen. He could never show this side of him to anyone. If he ever felt this way again, he would just have to hide it. 

And he did. For the next 10 years and beyond, that's what he did. No matter how much it hurt, or how awkward the situation, he always hid them. 

He was Dean Winchester. Dean Winchester wasn't supposed to have any weaknesses. He was only supposed to be the disposable weapon that everyone would use and then throw away without a second thought. 

But even if that was all he was, Dean was satisfied. At least he would have some sort of use in that time. 

_Dean and Castiel have been more than best friends and brothers. Both of them know this from the very bottom of their hearts. They just don't know how to address their feelings for each other because of their lack of communication amongst the constant threat of death over both of their heads._

"Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it.

I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken.

And you think that hate and anger that's - that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad you have done for love.

You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.

Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.

I love you.

Goodbye, Dean." 

And with these words, Castiel was taken by the Empty, never to be seen again. 

Wait. Cas? The Empty? Dead?

No no no no no Cas can't be dead. It's Cas. Cas never dies permanently. He'll be back. He'll walk from that wall and he'll be fine. It's Cas for God's sakes. He won't die. He absolutely won't.

Five minutes passed. No Cas.

Ten. No Cas. 

Twenty. No Cas.

Half an hour. No Cas.

An hour. No Cas.

Sam called two hours later. Still no Cas.

The entire night passed like a blur. 

Cas is gone. Cas is gone? Cas is gone. 

The love of his life was gone. The angel. His angel. The angel that had just told him that he was loved. The angel that he had loved since that fateful day in the barn, even if he tried to deny it. 

The love of his life. The light casting away the shadows. The one who rescued him. 

Castiel. 

Was gone. 

Overcome with grief and despair, Dean couldn't handle it. It took every bit of willpower just to stand up and get in the Impala. He couldn't go on. He was so lost and depressed. Castiel was gone. Forever. Dead. No longer with him or Sam or... Anyone. 

He would never see Castiel's smile again. He couldn't lose himself staring into those deep blue eyes, full of everlasting wisdom. He no longer could bring Castiel into a deep hug and breathe in the earthy yet familiar scent of the cologne he sometimes used to mimic Dean. He wouldn't be able to listen to Castiel's rumbly voice that was sometimes frightening but othertimes curious and full of wonder... 

He would never witness any of this ever again. 

Dean was basically dead. He needed Cas back. With Cas gone... He couldn't continue on living. 

After he, Jack, and Sam defeated God, Dean had left. He didn't tell Sam. He didn't tell anyone. He just opened the Impala and drove. He didn't have a destination in mind, but he just drove. He couldn't think of anything else other than Castiel. He had sacrificed himself to save Dean and Dean couldn't do anything but just stare at him and say a few words. 

He had failed. He failed the love of his life without even telling him "I love you" back. He didn't consider himself to be a gay man, but he couldn't deny his feelings for Castiel and his vessel. He just refused to acknowledge everything because dad had called those kinds of people "faggots" and he still didn't want to disappoint the old man. 

The Impala quickly filled up with junk and alcohol bottles. Moreso the latter. 

When he wasn't driving, he was at bars. Women came up to him, told him he looked terrible, that he needed a nice night to take the edge off his life. But he couldn't. He couldn't do anything but drink and drink and drink... Not even a woman could take his mind off the sorrow and guilt he felt. 

He drove to Oregon. He drove up to that abandoned town and sat on an abandoned doorstep. He pulled out the gun from his pantline and turned the safety off. His alcohol-ridden mind had told him to. He hadn't been sober in forever, so what was the point of trying. 

If Castiel was gone, then there would be no point in him living now. 

Before he could pull the trigger, the monsters emerged from the shadows, led by Boian and Gwynth.

He tried his best to fight, he tried so hard. But he had no motivation nor strength to continue on. They easily apprehended him and dragged him to the cellar.

And then began the long 8 months of the breaking of Dean Winchester. 

_There is more. So much more. But if this story addressed all of Dean Winchester's hidden trauma, then it would take a full year to explain all of it. For now, we will only focus on some parts. But let's continue and see where his mind will take us next. What other buried demons has Dean submerged under?_

_And so the story continues..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deeply apologize if this chapter happens to be inaccurate or offensive in any way. I described mental disorders not to make fun of them, but to show the way Dean's trauma has affected him. If you have any problems or inaccuracies that you would like to point out, please do. I do not wish to harm anyone with works of fiction, so please tell me if you have any problems. Much love as always <3


	7. The Saved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buried feelings come unearthed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to @drjackandmissjo for proofreading and betaing! Much love to you my friend. Check out their works on A03 too!  
> Very Castiel heavy chap. I wanted to show Cas love and also write pretty.  
> Also, there's some other stuff that I need to address relating to Dean and Jack's relationship. When it comes to Dean, it's a very complex process to write his character in the show and in fanfic. He was done so dirty, he wanted to kill Jack one minute and then had him drive Baby another? I want to play on that dynamic. Dean needs to love his son more!  
> Sorry for the filler chaps but they're essential for good storytelling :)

After Dean's heartbreaking speech, Sam had nearly collapsed under the guilt he had felt just then. All those times he had left and shut the door behind his back, Dean had been alone in the dark. In a conscious mindset, Dean would _never_ have admitted to being lonely at Sam's absence.

Well, his unconscious mind spoke differently. Dean was lonely, and he had obvious abandonment issues. Sam had been receiving these hints for a long time, but this sealed the deal. He wanted to punch himself for failing to notice sooner though. 

Like that one night when he had left Dean alone in that hotel room after they had a huge falling out. He had gone on a walk to blow off some steam, and that relatively worked. He decided to go back and focus on their fight later, at that moment they had to focus on their survival. Not-dying first, arguments later.

It was eerily quiet when he had returned. Usually Dean would have the TV blasting or a rock station cranked up, or have some sort of noise happening, but there was nothing but silence. When Sam had approached the door and called out Dean's name, he panicked. Baby was there, but Dean wasn't answering. 

So Sam burst into the dingy room and could breathe with relief when he saw Dean on the bed, sleeping quietly. His brother obviously hadn't bothered to go anywhere or do anything, as he was still dressed in day clothes. Dean was obviously both exhausted and emotionally drained. Upon seeing his sleeping figure, Sam felt his anger slowly seeping out of his body and instead being replaced with mild concern for his brother's mental health. While they both had their own demons to battle, Dean definitely felt the brunt of them. But now, they had bigger fish to fry. 

He had spent the rest of the evening pondering on his motel bed. He failed to notice the twitching and heaving figure of his brother just barely ten feet away. 

He failed to notice a lot of things in his lifetime pertaining to Dean. 

Sam snapped back to the present and realized he had Dean's hand in his own and was also softly rubbing the coarse and rough palm. He sighed and gave it a quick loving pat before setting it down. Dean's eyes never shifted away from the ceiling and his body remained motionless, devoid of all life asides from the shallow rise and falls of his chest. 

Dean hadn't said a single word since his heartbreaking speech not even ten minutes ago. He had just laid still on the bed. Castiel had tried to coax some more interaction out of him, but Dean was glazed over. Thankfully, he wasn't screaming anymore. The three of them couldn't come to any firm conclusions as to why he had stopped or why he had began, so they ended up dropping the subject and hoped that he wouldn't start again. 

Afterwards, the three distressed individuals stared at Dean dolorously. They decided to watch him in shifts while the other two rested, all the while they would be trying to think of a way to get his sanity back. Castiel volunteered to sit with Dean first, even at Sam and Jack's objections. He simply raised his hand and told them to get some sleep. They would need it. Reluctantly, the duo agreed and shuffled away, Sam pulling out his phone to text Eileen, who was still out on cases. Castiel knew that they wouldn't be able to sleep, but any rest was better than none. Besides, he needed to ease up a little as well. 

Castiel felt utterly enervated at everything. When he was in The Empty, he was so disheartened. All sense of hope was lost. It was The Empty, the place where there was nothing to hope for. There was only a sense of longing that emanated from every angel and demon there. Upon his arrival, he was stuck inside the endless sleep that the other supernatural beings had experienced, but he was the only one actually asleep. Jack had exploded, causing The Empty to be "loud" and thus awakening every single deceased angel and demon since the beginning of time.

Needless to say, it was pissed. 

And so The Shadow had to go to each and every single individial angel and demon and put them to sleep. The combined numbers of the two ranged in the billions and more, so it was a daunting task even for an ancient cosmic entity such as The Shadow. 

But Castiel was asleep for all of that. Asleep and locked in the towering vault of his mistakes and past regrets. At first, the dreams were regrets he had made since his beginning. Little things. He should have created this, he should have killed that. Minor, trivial things that barely even passed as regrets. 

And then they evolved. They shaped and morphed into the truest regrets that he had harbored ever since he raised Dean from perdition. Abandoning Heaven. Working with demons, namely Crowley. Killing other angels, his brothers. Hurting the Winchester brothers. He had so, so many regrets that he couldn't name them all even if he wanted to. It was these regrets that had hurt his grace over all these years. Everything he had ever done had weighed down so much on his mind. 

As time passed, he felt himself growing more and more human. Less and less of an emotionless soldier of God, but instead growing into a human mindset. Seeing things for what they were, and not just bundles of molecules. Loving the flaws and mistakes of others while making mistakes of his own. Feeling things that didn't exist in Heaven, like the feeling of the air on his face and grass in his hands. Feeling human. What a humorous thought.

By the end of it all, he was exhausted. Mentally drained. He was just so tired and wanted all of it to be over. 

The last time he saw Dean was in that room. He was confessing his true feelings to Dean and the feeling of contentment that he had at just saying it. Just telling the hunter that he had fallen in love with him was enough to bring him true happiness. A happiness that trumped the fear of The Empty. A pure and true love that had cultivated for over twelve years, ever since he gripped Dean tight and raised him from perdition. 

"Dean Winchester is saved." 

He could still remember the angels rejoicing as he declared the news. Even after the dismal aftermath of the death of many of his brothers, Castiel still felt exhilarated as he began to rebuild Dean's body. 

But he could only stare at Dean's bare and ladden soul. 

A soul so broken, so traumatized by life. A soul that by all means would have broken if it were possessed by any other being. Yet despite this, it still shined radiantly in the angel's possession. Castiel was enthralled by it. As he began the molecular recreation of every single atom of Dean's body, he found his eyes drawn to the soul. The beautiful soul that still found love in humanity even after everything that it had been exposed to. A soul that was so in love with humanity that it would make God blush. 

It was almost laughable. Castiel, a celestial being that had existed before Creation itself, had found itself obsessed with a simple human soul. They were such common things. Hundreds of billions inhabited Heaven and Hell, along with the billions on Earth, not even accounting for those stuck in the Veil. All those souls didn't even deserve a glance from Castiel. He had lived his entire state of being not even acknowledging those below him. To him, they were nothing but toys that his father had created, things that didn't even deserve recognition. 

But this one. This soul. This poor and ruptured soul was so, so beautiful. So beautiful that Castiel not only stared at it, but he found himself wanting to hold it. He wanted to cradle it in one of his many wings and watch it shine so brilliantly with the eyes that covered his angelic form. It bewitched him. A simple human soul held that much power over an angel of the Lord. 

Perhaps it was at this moment that Castiel, a perfect, peerless angel of Heaven, fell in love with Dean Winchester. 

Castiel did not want to part with it at all. He was so enamored with it that he wanted to leave some sort of mark on it as a claim. This was his soul, and he would do anything in his everlasting power to keep it. As he put the finishing touches on Dean's body, his non-existant form filled with sorrow. He had to give up the soul that had utterly stunned him. For the first time since his existence, Castiel found himself wanting something. He wanted this soul. He wanted to feel it and watch it grow and spend every waking moment of his life with it. But unfortunately, this was something that he couldn't nor ever could have. 

And so, as a memoriam, he put his handprint there. This wasn't at all necessary. He already had Dean's body rebuilt and fully functioning, all the internal scars and external bruises were gone. But he couldn't just leave the soul without leaving some sort of imprint on it. Something to remind himself and Dean that he was the one that rescued him. He was the angel that gripped him tight and raised him from Perdition. Castiel. The angel of Thursday. 

When Castiel tried to talk to the newly resurrected hunter after his awakening, he was deeply saddened when he realized that Dean couldn't hear him or witness his true form. But this was to be expected. Although, it was still disappointing. He wanted Dean to witness the being that rescued him. He wanted Dean to notice him and see the truth of what had happened. He wanted Dean to notice his love for his soul and to return those feelings back. 

But Dean didn't. And even after twelve years he hadn't. 

Castiel couldn't deny that he was disappointed. Years upon years of sacrifice, pining, eye-fucking, pain, and everything else lovers could go through had all passed like the snap of a finger. But Dean never noticed. He never looked at Castiel twice. It was just in his nature. Castiel had seen that in his soul. He had seen everything the man he loved had to offer. Still, it was very disappointing. 

Yes, and even when Dean was the spitting image of his abusive father, Castiel still found himself loving the man. Dean was most definitely not the caring person that he could have been if he had a "normal life." Dean could be abusive himself, even without his knowing. It wasn't his fault at all, but he had spent so long trying to get his father's approval that John's personality imprinted itself on Dean. 

John Winchester was not the best father. Neither was God. This fact was something that both he and Dean could relate to. Fathers that abandoned their children because of their selfish wants and the tunnel vision they refused to leave or acknowledge.

Dean always wanted approval from his father. He had hardly gotten any since Sam was born. That was just the cruel reality of the situation. To Dean, he was just his father's shadow, always there at his beck and call. In his own words, "daddy's blunt little instrument." On some days, a despondent Castiel nearly felt the same. 

Despite his flaws, Castiel still loved the dense and sometimes stupid man. That was who Dean thought he was. All the self-loathing, disappointment, isolation, and every other negative emotion that a single person could feel was who Dean was. Cas had tried his damn hardest to convince Dean otherwise, but the feelings were there to stay. They had cultivated for too long, left bottled up and unattended. They plastered themselves to his soul and weakened his already fragile state of being. Those cruel feelings that were not true, but had been there for so long that had almost become truth. 

Now, as a forelorn Castiel stared at the shattered soul of Dean, his sorrow grew to the point of bursting. He had done the best he could to try and convince Dean that these feelings, these emotions just weren't true. As a final attempt to mend the broken soul that he loved, he poured out his heart and professed all his feelings of love and adoration for Dean. If he died without telling Dean what he truly thought, he would have dreamed of that forever in The Empty. That would have been his biggest regret. 

Castiel continued to stare at Dean with soft eyes. Dean still thought of himself as a failure, even after Cas had told him that he wasn't. That was why he ran away. That was how he got kidnapped. That was why he allowed the monsters to break him. Instead of Castiel's speech fixing the broken hunter, they instead created even deeper rifts in his mind. He blamed himself for not doing anything to help Cas. He blamed himself for being too confused to say anything. He blamed himself for throwing Castiel into the tragedy that was the life of a Winchester. 

He gently took Dean's hand in his own. The hunter's still frame flinched a little, but his face remained stoic. Castiel slowly shook his head and brought Dean's hand up to his forehead. 

Then there was the matter of The Empty. Whilst stuck in his fitful slumber, Castiel had felt it. It was oh so faint at first, but as time passed, the feeling grew. It was a feeling of pain and terror. It enshrouded Castiel's mind and it became so prominent that sometimes he forgot about his own dreams. He had no idea where it had come from, but as that pulling grew, he felt that he knew. 

It was praying. 

Someone was praying to him. And they were praying so ferverently that Castiel could even feel it in The Empty. Castiel was still trapped in his head, but he could feel the unmistakable pull of a prayer. His consciousness stirred as the pull continued to tighten. 

It became so powerful that it ripped Castiel awake and left him dumbfounded as he remembered everything he had done before being taken. 

Upon regaining consciousness, the angel nearly wanted to cry upon finally being released from his head that had him caged like a bird. To be able to think without reliving every moment of loss and guilt he had felt in his entire lifetime was a huge relief in itself. 

But it left him puzzled as to how he woke up. Someone had prayed to him, someone in such grief that it had enough power to wake him up. Immediately, his mind went to the Winchester brothers and Jack. 

Yeah, it was obvious that it was one or all of them. His family. They needed him back so much that their combined prayers had awakened him. He was needed. Upon this realization, his face broke into a wide smile. He was going to go back home. 

As expected, The Shadow tried to make him go back to sleep and beat him into submission as it had tried long ago, but Castiel relented. He wouldn't fall for any of The Shadows's tricks or deceivings, and even when The Shadow tried to hold their deal over Castiel's head, he simply stuck out his tongue and stayed awake. 

And then he had found himself in Kansas City. He had won. He had won against every angel and demon's greatest fear. 

But now... The entire feeling of victory had evaporated from Castiel's mind. There was no winning if Dean wasn't with them. 

Without Dean, Castiel was basically nothing.

And unknown to him, the same logic applied to Dean. 

Whilst lost in his thoughts and recollections, Castiel failed to notice Jack slowly approaching him. He jumped a little when Jack put his hand on his trembling shoulder. 

"Do you want me to watch him now?" Jack quietly asked. 

Castiel turned to look at Jack's face. He set his lips together and slowly nodded his head. He turned back towards Dean and kissed his hand very lightly, then letting it slowly drop to continue hanging on the bedframe. Then he stood up and patted Jack on the shoulder. 

"I'll be in the main room if you need me." 

Jack listened as the heavy footsteps of the angel slowly faded away. His gaze shifted towards Dean and he sat down on the warm chair where Castiel had been. He stared at the man's unmoving figure and let his own thoughts flow freely. 

He knew that Dean loathed his existence. That fact had been made painstakingly obvious ever since Jack's birth. Dean had deceived him, locked him away, shunned him, and ultimately had tried to kill him. While it hurt to think of the past, Jack couldn't just erase the terrible memories he had of Dean. 

But by seeing him now, in this horrendous state, Jack couldn't help but let his anger dissipate. During one of he and Castiel's many chats together about life, Castiel had told him about Dean. Everything the angel knew, he told the nephilim. Dean was so bent on anger and depression that he was burying himself under it, and although unintentionally, he was bringing others down with him, Jack especially.

Instead of feelings of anger, betrayal, and disbelief, the emotions which Jack knew he was supposed to feel at this time, he just felt pity. He pitied Dean, but not in a condescending way. He simply felt bad for Dean and everything he and Sam had been put through. They didn't deserve any of this, but it was forced upon them by God. 

God was gone now. He was the new God. Well, not really. He was still a walking powerbomb, but they would focus on that later. Dean was the priority now. 

Over time, he and Dean had begun to slowly mend their relationship. It was still very rocky at times, but at least Dean wasn't trying to kill him now. Well, not that he could, but the thought was there. That was all that mattered. 

He simply hoped that if and when they woke Dean up that they have a happy life. Team Free Will 2.0 could be a team again and begin on fixing themselves as well as their relationships with each other. 

Jack stared longingly into Dean's still eyes. This was one of the people that had basically raised him. Even if Dean was one of the worst figures that Jack had met in his early life, Dean had still impacted him. Negatively at first, but the hunter grew on him and eventually they became family. Jack missed Dean so, so much. Even if he had tried to erase Jack's existence earlier, he was still missed. 

They had to rescue him. They had to. Without Dean, none of them could carry on. 

Well, that was if they could bring Dean back. At that hopeless moment, it seemed like an impossibility. 

* * *

Sam carelessly dug through the Bunker's collection of gadgets and knick knacks until he finally found it. It was buried under books, wires, instruments, and other junk, but it was there. He uncovered it and nearly laughed in relief as he flicked the switch on and it buzzed to life. 

He had found the polygraph thing. Except this wasn't a polygraph, it was their key to Dean's mind. 

Castiel and he had used it when Michael infiltrated Dean's head, and ultimately it had worked. They could do the same again, and Sam knew it would work. He just knew it. They would get Dean back. 

With newfound vigor, Sam rushed out of the storage room while calling out Castiel and Jack's names. Finally, he had done something to help Dean. He just hoped that everything would go right. Knowing their luck, it wouldn't, but it wouldn't do any good not to try. 

Castiel stood up as Sam entered the map room and Jack came bursting out from the room Dean was in. Upon seeing the familiar machine, the two of them smiled as a faint glimmer of hope appeared in their minds. 

If Dean couldn't escape his own mind, they they would have to do it themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longing Castiel? Yes pls.  
> Also before you get after me for not including Eileen: I'm sorry. I'm not purposefully excluding her, I swear. It's just proving difficult trying to incorporate her into the story that is mainly focused on Dean. I love Eileen and so does Sam. I just don't want her sitting in the corner like a prop. Might as well keep her badasseness hunting monsters on her own than just being a lamp. And yeah, I know that she and Dean are good friends and they like each other, I totally get that. It's just really awkward trying to write her in. Again, sorry but there is no intentional exclusion happening. She is going to return and be happy with her moose!
> 
> EDIT: OMFG THE SCRIPTS!!!!!!!! the scripts-? THE SCRIPTS! DEAN IS STILL BEAUTIFUL AND I HAVE BEEN SENT INTO SPACE I CAN'T HANDLE THIS CASTIEL THINKS DEAN IS BEAUTIFUL I CAN"T b RE A THE  
> Destien canon 3rd time confirmed?? ? ? ? ?/? I'm quAKING WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT WAS THIS CHAP FORESHADOWING OR WHAT HAHA


	8. The Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An angel, God, and a moose take a look inside a squirrel's head. It's not a happy place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the filler chapters! But now we're back with actual plot.  
> AND YES I have plans for fluff, comfort, domestic life, and everything else that's good. Diabolical plans for such tooth rotting fluff you will be begging for me to stop. I love love LOVE writing fluff and happy endings and I'm sad that I can't write any presently BUT do not worry! First we just gotta get the angst and depressing stuff out of the way.
> 
> And thanks for the kind comments everyone!! They actually mean the world to me
> 
> Damn Destiel not going *fully* canon was actually the worst thing they could have done? Destiel is such a tragic yet wholesome relationship?? Why wouldn't you want to explore on that??? Tf? ??? ?  
> Well that's what fanfiction is for so hah...ha imstillsad

**Mentions of past abuse, suicide, torture, and vivid descriptions of a panic attack. Caution advised.**

Sam finally finished plastering the yellow, red, and white wires to Dean's head. His brother was still staring wide-eyed at the ceiling, his arms and legs still strapped to the bedframes to stop him from hurting himself in his frenzied state. Whilst unloading the polygraph thing and getting everything set up, Sam couldn't help but steal glances towards Dean's direction. His brother. His brother who had to shoulder everything the world threw on them. His brother who was breaking on the inside without uttering a single word of complaint to his younger brother, basically his only blood family left. 

A slight bit of anger wormed its way into Sam's head. If Dean wasn't such a dumb hardass, then Sam might have been able to help him shoulder some of those responsibilities. He didn't have to protect Sam and everyone else all the time. Sure, when Sam was a child, Dean had to give up a ton of his own time to tend to Sam. He understood that. But he wasn't a child anymore. He could take care of himself and help Dean with his own problems. 

But Dean was such a stubborn fuckhead like their father. He refused to be helped by anyone and instead forced himself to shoulder all his burdens with absolutely no assistance like a fucking idiot. It seemed at times that they were mirror images of each other. Sam wished with all his heart that Dean wouldn't have grown up to resemble John, but he couldn't deny the facts. 

Sam let out a heavy sigh and rechecked the wiring and fixtures to the polygraph. Everything seemed to be correctly placed and the buzzing noises called out, _Dean is waiting._ It was ready, but were they? Most likely not but it's not like they had the time to mentally prepare themselves. Every second wasted was a second that Dean's soul was evaporating. There was literally no time to waste. 

He called over to Castiel and Jack, who were silently standing in the corner of the room, deep in their own thoughts and sharing neutral news with each other. When Sam spoke, they looked up and saw Dean's head hooked to the polygraph and knew that it was time to start. As they started to come over, Sam pulled over three chairs and set them beside Dean's bed. He took the seat nearest to the polygraph and started setting the wires to his own head with suffocating silence. 

After what seemed like an eternity, Sam finished putting the suctions on his head and looked towards Castiel and Jack. They had the same deadpan look on their faces, but at least there was a spark of hope present now.

"You guys ready?" Sam asked. "If you don't want to, I can go by myself-"

"We're going." The two celestial beings said at the same time. Sam smiled and lightly chuckled to himself. Of course they were going. He was stupid to think otherwise. This was Dean they were saving. 

Castiel sat beside Sam in the middle and Jack on the other side. He set both of his hands to Sam and Jack's shoulders and looked at the both of them. Upon seeing their nods of approval, he let out a deep breath.

"We're ready." He said with firm determination.

Sam flicked the "on" switch and they all listened as the machine buzzed to life. 

They were going to save Dean whether he wanted to be saved or not. 

* * *

The three of them were greeted with familiar darkness. Sam and Castiel already knew Dean's mind and the darkness that infested it when Michael took control. But for some strange reason, it seemed almost darker if that was at all possible. Jack gazed around, but something caught his eye.

"Look up!" He exclaimed. 

They did and immediately ducked as a dark shadow swooped over the heads with a loud shriek. It joined with the million other shadows flying around, like phantoms in the night sky. They were circling around a giant black cloud that was billowing like the black smoke of a demon. Its sheer mass and volume was enough to nearly cover the three hunters as they stared in terror. 

"What the hell is that?" Sam asked shakily. 

"It's Dean's mental turmoil. It has somehow materialized a form resembling a monster." Castiel responded.

The angel knew that Dean's inner demons were bad, but he didn't know they were this bad. There was enough pain and trauma here to fuel anyone's nightmares for an entire lifetime, but to see it all here, condensed into one person's head, was enough to send Castiel into a depressive state. How would they ever fix this? Even if they could contain all of it, it would still be there, waiting for him to fall again. Besides, Dean had already tried that just hours beforehand, but he couldn't hold it all in. 

"I don't know how we'll even begin to fix this. But for now we need to find Dean's soul and bring him back to the surface." He stated.

"And how do we know that we've found it?" Sam asked. 

Castiel sighed heavily. 

"I'm sure we'll know when we see it. We'll be going through Dean's memories, so we won't be able to interact with any of the "past Deans." However, we will be able to tell that Dean's soul will be out of place and we will be able to talk with it and bring him back to his head." 

Well, easier said than done. 

"So where do we even begin to look? Sam asked again, although a bit tersely. 

Castiel tore his gaze from the shadows swimming above them to look at Sam and Jack, whose faces were still stuck in the sky. 

"At the beginning." 

Castiel raised his hand as he did before when Michael was in Dean's head and focused on listening to the whispers of Dean's brain. Compared to before, there were so many more. They were now more traumatic and gut-wrenching, full of anger and sorrow. Castiel absolutely hated to see Dean like this. He didn't deserve any of this. He didn't deserve to be lost in his head. He didn't deserve to be thrown into depression just for living. He didn't deserve to have his friends and family ripped away from him on a weekly basis. 

He searched until he found a more prominent whisper amongst the many that plagued the space. However, this wasn't a whisper. It was a scream. A scream that echoed deep within Dean's head. It was so far back that Cas felt as if this was a particulary far back event, but one that scarred Dean so deeply that he couldn't let it die. Tense with exertion, Castiel grabbed it and transported them to a different corner of Dean's head. 

The long journey to find the broken remnants of Dean's soul initiated. 

* * *

The scream was from Mary Winchester on the night of her death. 

The three of them materialized in Sam's old room as the blazing inferno engulfed the interior and held Mary up to the ceiling as she was set alight by the cruel yellow-eyed demon, Azazel. Upon their arrival, Sam looked up to the ceiling, horrified. Castiel and Jack shared the same reaction. He held up his arms and flinched as the fire grew and ate everything in its path. Their trance was interrupted when they heard the stomping of John Winchester's feet as he arrived and was forced to witness the horrific scene before his eyes. 

They watched in shock as John picked up his baby Sam and sprinted out of the room. They hurridly followed and saw John shove Sam into Dean's arms and return only to witness his wife die while he could only stare at her despairingly. Dean ran outside as fast as his four year old legs could carry him and watched as his first and only home was blazing with his mother inside. 

Sam had never witnessed this firsthand before. He only had vague descriptions of the scene from Dean when he was brave enough to ask and only the most faintest of memories from that night. But witnessing it brought forth such emotion that he started choking on them. He struggled to find air and thoughts to process as he thought of how his mother had died and how their lives had been destroyed since that fateful night years upon years ago. 

Upon realizing Sam who was struggling to process the sudden upsurge of emotion, Castiel and Jack patted him on the shoulders empathetically. They knew that Sam had never witnessed this firsthand, so he would take a while to process it. Castiel silently wished that he hadn't brought them here, but it was necessary if they were to ever find the remnants of Dean's soul. 

The firefighters and police officers arrived soon after. John and Dean sat on the hood of a police car, John cradling Sam in his trembling arms and child Dean leaning so far into John that it seemed he melded with his bedrobe. Sam opened his mouth to attempt to say something, anything to cope with what he was witnessing, but then he collapsed on the cold ground. It was too much to take in. Watching his mother die. Watching his father break down and watching his brother's life be torn to shreds by a cruel demon that they couldn't even kill at the time. 

Then the horribly depressing scene cut out. 

They were transported into a place sometime in the future with John loading the Impala with monster hunting weapons. Dean watched with mild curiosity. Castiel and Jack hurridly pulled adult Sam up and supported his weight, but he pushed them away with a simple "I'm fine." Jack and Cas looked at each other sorrowfully, but soon went back to watching young Dean and John interact. 

"Hey dad?" The child Dean asked.

John merely grunted in response.

"What's for lunch?"

John shoved a pistol into the young boy's arms. 

"You don't eat until you hit something." 

Again, Sam opened his mouth to try and say something to Cas and Jack, something about what in the fuck was happening, why was their dad such a jackass towards Dean who hadn't done anything, and why were they going through all of Dean's traumatic memories regarding dad, but the scene changed again.

And again.

And yet again.

Over and over like a montage. A montage of Dean making his first sawed off shotgun. Another scene passed by in a blur. Dean getting bored and leaving Sam alone and then returning to find Shtriga feeding on him and John returning to cradle Sam in his arms and make Dean feel even more guilt than he already had upon himself. And Sam and John arguing about the hunting life and wanting a home while Dean watched and wanted to crawl into a hole and wish it all away. Then the scene passed with Dean giving up food to give to Sam and then Dean tried some of dad's beer and then an older Dean stealing peanut butter and jelly after betting all their food money away and sneaking off to a club to feel welcomed into society and... 

And everything that Dean had done for Sam's sake to the best of his ability. 

Then Dean getting sent to reform school and for the first time in his life making friends and having something for himself. Then Dean having a girlfriend but having to leave her and then cheating on another one then getting to go to prom but having that once in a lifetime opportunity ripped out of his clenched fists and trampled in front of him by John. And then Dean feeling so guilty over his own vulnerabilities and failures about being responsible for Sam that he just left his little brother alone all the time because he couldn't handle the sins of his actions... 

They watched as Sam ran away to Flagstaff. They watched as John cursed out his own son and slapped the living shit out of him and accused and berated him over not being responsible and lazy and stupid and a failure, a disappointment, an ungrateful brat, someone that broke everything he ever touched, a child that he wished he had never had. 

Sam knew that John had done abusive things to Dean, but he never knew they were to this extent. And all for what? Dean never did anything wrong. It was always Sam. Sam was the one who fought with dad. Sam was the one who ran away. Sam was the burden, but yet Dean still accepted the role of a punching bag for their father. Sam grit his teeth as the guilt built up inside of him. How had he been so goddamn blind to all of this? 

Then they were transported to the night that Sam left for college. Time stood still. 

They landed in a dark and dingy motel room. A slight bit of embarrassment hit Sam as he remembered that they used to live in these. All of those memories of just he and Dean, traveling the country and hunting whatever the world threw their way. He was of course thankful for the Bunker, their first real home, but he still had good and bad memories of the two of them in their crappy motels and shitty diner food. 

"Sam, do you remember this place?" Castiel managed to ask after they gained their footing.

It seemed that the fast-running montage had paused for a moment. 

Sam searched around the room and racked his brain as he tried to remember this place. It was definitely a long time ago, back before he and Dean started hunting full time. A long time ago when he had left... 

The night he had left for Stanford. 

"I... I think that this is the motel that dad towed Dean and I to the night I left." Sam said with a very noticable tremble in his voice.

The second after Sam said those words, past Dean and Sam materialized in front of them. Surprised, Sam took a step back towards Jack and Castiel and they watched in horror at the scene before their eyes. Sam especially. He stared at his culpability and wanted to cry out of embarrassment and guilt. 

Past Sam had his bags over his shoulders and was yelling at Dean from the door. Dean was trying his hardest to get Sam to stay, but also using his Dean "charm" and pissing Sam off more in the process. Obviously Sam wasn't having any of it and he continued to argue back. They continued to scream and hurl depreciating words at each other until they were basically hoarse. Selfish. Asshole. Unappreciative. Useless. Disappointing. Deserter. All the hurtful things they had both thought sometime in their lives were brought to the surface and thrown at each other's faces. A short pause followed the argument coupled with harsh breathing. Sam remembered the tears that had threatened to spill out of his eyes at that moment. 

But present Sam could see how much Dean was suffering. He had failed to see it on that night, but now that he had matured and seen how much Dean had to undergo, he could definitely see how wrong he was and how much Dean wanted him to stay. He just couldn't properly express his emotions, so instead of bringing Sam back, he ended up pushing him away. 

Perhaps that was his plan all along. 

With one last insult, Sam flipped the door open and slammed it shut, leaving a crestfallen Dean behind. 

Sam was about to say something but his blood ran cold as he heard Dean's heartbreaking words after he had left. "I'm so lonely." He was so goddamn stupid. Why had he left? Why was he so stupid? Why couldn't he see how fragile Dean was? He had broken his own brother and hadn't even realized it. 

Before Sam could reflect on his thoughts anymore, the door clicked open again. He already knew who it was. 

It wasn't past Sam returning. It was John. 

No one had known of this before but Dean and John, but now the truth was being brought to light. 

The three of them watched as Dean tried to explain why and how Sam had left, and how John had ignored all of his son's words and grew more angry by the second. Sam flinched at each word John said. 

And when it seemed like it couldn't get any worse, it did. John raised his hands and brought them down. 

The one-sided beatdown started, the punches and kicks came flying from John and into Dean's unresisting body. Dean crumpled to the floor and John continued his onslaught of abuse. 

Jack, Cas, and Sam could only watch helplessly as John beat Dean into total submission and as he left, they were forced to listen to the crushing weight of his last words to Dean, as well as Dean's last silent words to John of that night. The night that Sam Winchester left for Stanford. 

Sam's mouth was left agape. He covered it with his hand and then his other hand came up and he found he was crying. Tears leaked down his face and he sobbed as he realized what he had done that night. He had left Dean alone with dad. And dad had beaten Dean for no reason. Dean had tried to defend Sam, tell him that it wasn't Sam's fault that he wanted to leave, but John hadn't listened. All he heard was his own rage towards life and made Dean his personal punching bag. 

Dean had never mentioned anything like this at all. He carried it with him all his life and didn't complain a single bit. Not to Sam or Castiel. To nobody but himself. 

The scene faded out into the dark crevices of Dean's head, ready to be rewound and played over and over again. 

The montage abruptly ended as soon as it had started. 

Sam, Jack, and Cas were thrust back into the darkness and were left dumbfounded over what they just witnessed. No words were spoken, but none need be. Sam was especially shaken up. He had never seen any of this before. This side of Dean was a dark shroud of mystery. Sam didn't know how to process anything that had just happened. His big brother had obviously sacrificed so much for him all while taking the brunt of dad's abuse. There was no other word for it. 

Suddenly, all the things Dean had told him about dad seemed a million times truer. All of it. Their father was an obsessed bastard. He pushed all his responsibilities on Dean. He couldn't protect his own family so he forced his son to do it himself. His son who was barely past adolescence had to raise an infant and fend for himself while shouldering his own trauma, all while John obsessed over a demon they didn't even know how to kill at the time. 

Sam brought his legs to his chest and let his vulnerabilities spill out in oceanic waves. Jack crouched next to him and offered condolences. Even though the nephilim had never seen nor experienced any of Dean's abusive past, he still knew how much they impacted Dean's mental health as well as Sam's. Both the Winchester brothers had so much trauma built up inside of them. It just happened to be Dean that had gotten kidnapped. If the two had switched positions, Sam would definitely have been in Dean's exact position. It just happened to be Castiel who who been taken by The Empty, which sent Dean into his sullen depression.

Sam quietly spoke up through his grief. 

"Why... Why did we have to go through that? Why did dad hurt him so much? And why didn't Dean ever tell me why any of that ever happened? Huh? Why?" He sniffled "Why is he so fucking stupid?" 

Sam buried his head in his arms again and attempted to breathe again. Each breath was shaky, but Jack provided support and brought Sam in close. The contact eased the hunter up, but they couldn't ignore the elephant in the room. They had failed to find Dean's soul amongst those memories of his traumatizing past. They had to keep going. But through how much? How long would they have to search Dean's personal trauma just to find his soul? 

Cas shook his head in anger and shakily raised his hand once more. 

"We need to continue on. I'm sorry this is a lot to process Sam, but we don't have time to wait. Dean's soul is suffering as we speak, yet there's still more to go through." 

Sam mumbled something into his arms, but Castiel was already searching for the next part of their trial. 

* * *

Hell was a climax in Dean's life. 40 years of his soul's life was spent down there. There was no other way of describing it other than torture. Torture and pain. That was all Dean knew for 40 years until Castiel had rescued him and took care of the poor soul. 

Castiel decided to skip over visiting this part of the memories. He would not invade Dean's privacy like that and drag Sam and Jack along to witness. That would be pure cruelness to them and the hunter's head. And besides, he knew that Dean's soul wouldn't be residing there. How did he know this? He had no clue. He just did. 

To Castiel however, Dean's Hell was a familiar sight. He had seen all of Dean's memories and past regrets when he raised him from Perdition, so he knew everything Dean had experienced. But... They still hurt him so. He hated witnessing them, especially since he knew that Dean had suffered even more since these events that had happened years and years ago. It seemed that even Dean's time in Hell itself wasn't as prominent as recent events. 

He continued to sift through Dean's trauma and memories, searching for just about anything that could give them a clue as to where Dean's soul was. He didn't want to have to go through everything one at a time, but at this rate they wouldn't be able to find anything even if they looked for a year. There was just so much built up in Dean that it seemed to swallow everything it touched. Plus he didn't want Sam to have to witness anymore of this. Just seeing what John did to Dean had already broken part of him. He couldn't let Sam see what Dean saw half the time. It would break both of them if they ever found out. 

The angel continued to search Dean's head. He ignored the parts that involved Hell, but something else intrigued him. He held out his hand and motioned towards Sam and Jack to follow him. Jack carefully helped Sam on his feet and they followed their friend into the darkness. He transported them into another traumatic memory. 

They found themselves in another dingy hotel room, except this time there was no John. Castiel and Jack turned towards Sam and were about to ask him where this was, but Sam's eyes had widened in fear. They looked concerningly towards him. 

"What's wrong Sam? Are you hurt anywhere?" Jack distressed. 

Sam gripped his head in his hands tightly.

"What the hell Castiel? What are we doing here?" Sam seemingly accused at the angel. 

Castiel looked taken aback, but stayed rooted in his place.

"Sam. You know that we have to go through Dean's memories to find his soul. I'm sorry but it's something that-"

"No. I get that. But why here? Why now? Why would it be here?"

"I just felt something so I headed towards it. Sam, I don't understand. What's wrong?" 

"Nothing's wrong Cas. It's just that at this time, I kinda got mad at Dean and stormed out."

"And?" 

"And so why would we be here? What happened while I was gone? Did Dean get hurt or something and not tell me AGAIN?" 

"I... I don't know Sam. That's why we're here. I guess we'll find out." 

They waited for what seemed like an eternity, but the room remained empty. 

"Perhaps it needs a trigger, just like last time." Castiel mused. 

His and Jack's gaze shifted towards Sam. He let out a breathy sigh and gulped hard. 

"Yeah. Ok. So basically Dean was really depressed because he had just learned that his interference in Hell had been the first seal breaking of Lucifer's Cage. He was really bent up about it. And you, Castiel, well you weren't being much help." 

Castiel agreed with guilt seeping in his voice. He knew that in Dean's earlier times, he hadn't been there to help as much as he would have liked. But he was busy running Heaven and doing his duties. And he didn't really want to associate with humans at that time in the past. Of course he had changed a lot since then, but... He still wasn't there for Dean as much as he should have been.

"We got into an argument. A really big one. It was probably as intense as the one we had on the night I left... After Dean died and left me alone, I teamed up with a demon named Ruby to get him back. Well, when he returned from Hell after you rescued him." He gestured towards Castiel. "He was really shaken up, and I understand that. But I didn't have any choices at the time and Ruby was my best bet. Anyway we got into a big fight and I stormed out. I realize now that I was childish, but godammit I was pissed alright?" 

At Sam's words, they heard the door slamming. They whipped around and witnessed Dean staring behind the door, staring at it. Sam had just left like he had just described. Only this time, he would be seeing what Dean saw that night. 

They watched as Dean searched for Sam. They watched when he returned and sat on the bed. They watched everything that was happening, but nothing was amiss. All seemed normal and Sam began to wonder why this memory was of such importance when it started. 

They witnessed this scene unfold in silent horror as Dean began choking and hacking in the dark. He could feel the fear and pain radiating from him as he was forced to endure this terrible night alone. 

A panic attack. 

Castiel had never seen or dealt with a panic attack before, but from what he had heard, they were absolutely terrifying. An individial was left with an overwhelming sense of terror so intense that they couldn't breathe. A number of other symptoms could also present themselves. But to think that Dean was vulnerable to them... Never before had Castiel even suspected that Dean would be suffering from a disorder as fervent as this. He glanced towards Jack, who also held a face of disbelief. To all of them, this new snippet of information about Dean was earth shattering. 

Sam rushed forward and tried to grab his choking brother, but his hands passed through. He groaned and pulled at his hair in a death grip. How the fuck was Dean having a panic attack? He had never had one before so what the fuck had happened now? Were his abandonment issues so severe that he had developed an anxiety and panic disorder? What the actual fuck? Why did Dean have to hide everything about himself? 

The three of them could only watch as Dean struggled to breathe. He convulsed and choked on air. He nearly screamed in pain and his heartbeat was so loud that Sam could swear he could hear it. Castiel so desperately wanted to put his hand to Dean's forehead and make the terror disappear and send Dean to sleep, but this was all in the past. Dean was forced to endure this alone. Castiel grit his teeth as he thought of what he could have done. He could have done literally anything to help Dean, but yet he was still stuck in "soldier" mode and thought little of helping. 

Five long minutes passed. Five minutes of them watching Dean as he struggled to breathe and cry out in terror at virtually nothing. Five minutes of Dean being his most vulnerable and most terrified in his entire life. Only five minutes, but it seemed longer than eternity. When it finally stopped, he collapsed on the bed and frazzled out like a dying light. 

Past Sam returned quite a while later and present Sam wanted to punch him in his stupid face so hard. Look! Your brother literally just had a panic attack and you don't give a shit! What the fuck is wrong with you just go over there and ask if he's alright. See! He's still shaking right across from you why don't you turn around you fucking IDIOT! 

The scene shifted and presented every panic attack Dean had endured and hidden from everyone. There weren't a lot, but enough to make an impact on important events in Dean's life. Everytime he felt them coming on, Dean hurridly excused himself and hid himself away in his bedroom or the bathroom to tremble and struggle to breathe all by himself. They watched as he felt one in public. This was only once, after Sam had left to go the library and he had nearly broke down the bathroom door trying to get in. 

These attacks had affected Dean so much that he had to seal them off with the other traumatic memories. Of course he did. The attacks were the results of his fear of being abandoned. A fear that was so great that it trumped nearly all of his other fears. 

Castiel and Sam were left aghast. They had literally no idea that Dean was struggling with these. Not even an inkling of information came from Dean regarding these. Whenever he would dash to the bathroom, only to return five minutes later, he would be fine. Perfectly fine. No one would even think of thinking that he had just returned from a life threatening terror that engulfed his very being. 

Dean was always the best at hiding his emotions. 

* * *

The three of them were hurled back into the main darkness. They stood there for a long time, trying to process what they had just witnessed. Dean? Panic attacks? Dean Winchester suffering from something as horrific as anxiety? Why hadn't they noticed sooner? 

Sam tried to control his shaking legs, but he failed. He nearly collapsed on the ground and was left with a distant gaze in his eyes. There was too much. Just too much. Jack hugged him again and Sam buried his face in the nephilim's chest.

While still searching and reeling from the new information he had witnessed, Castiel noticed that a dull static noise had appeared from the darkness. He wanted to stay and let Sam regain his composure, but time was ticking away quickly. It wouldn't be long until Dean's soul would completely disappear, he could feel it. His curiousity piqued as he headed towards it. Jack and Sam noticed his movement and slowly started stumbling behind, Sam supporting himself on Jack. They pressed on until Castiel grabbed ahold of the memory the static was tied to and transported them to it. He had no idea what the cause of it was, but obviously it was something that Dean wasn't fond of. Something that wasn't physical pain, but more psychological. Like the death of a loved one. 

They arrived infront of the cabin that they had met Jack in. What welcomed them was the unmoving and dull, glazed eyes of Castiel and his charred wings scorched into the ground. Dean and Sam stood a ways away, with Mary and Lucifer stuck in a confronatation. 

Sam vividly remembered this time. It was an extremely rough time for him, as he had to watch his own mother burn infront of him. However, he never even considered how Dean coped. That would be twice now that he'd watched his own mother burn right before his eyes and not being able to do a single thing. This time, instead of focusing on Lucifer and Mary, Sam focused on his brother. Through new eyes, he could see just how distraught Dean was, even if he wasn't showing it. After their mother was taken to the alternate world, leaving Dean, Sam, and the newly born Jack alone, Dean was the one who had stared at Castiel. He stared at the angel's body. He never shed a tear, but Sam could tell. And so could Castiel and Jack. As he stared at the charred wings of his best friend, Dean's heart completely broke in half. 

Dean never was the type of person to outwardly grive. That was Sam's personality, as shown when he watched Mary get incinerated and Castiel get stabbed. Sam was the one who flinched and screamed while Dean could only watch with a mournful face. But despite this, Dean was still arguably the most emotional out of the two of them. It was Dean who fell into a depression. It was Dean who prepared Castiel's body for a hunter's funeral. It was Dean who was ready to give up his life after two of the most important people in his life were brutally ripped away from his calloused hunter hands. 

Castiel opened his mouth to say something to past Dean, anything to console him and tell the poor man that he was here, he was alive. But once again, the scene interrupted him and cut out and they were thrust into another one. It was with Dean and Billie. Sam recognized the situation, as it was when he turned Dean into a ghost to hunt that poltergeist in that asylum, but to Jack and Cas, it was a new sight. A sight that they could have gone without seeing because of how painful it was. 

Dean was ready to die. His eyes were deadpan and had nearly sunk in. Dark circles under his eyes highlighted his pale skin. Dean looked like death itself had come to claim him. Well, that was what was about to happen. Billie was obviously ticked at Dean's near death encounters, but this time, Dean was ready. He had lost everything he had held dear to himself other than Sam. He was ready for death to take him. 

Castiel solemnly shook his head. He had no idea that his death by Lucifer had impacted Dean this much. He also didn't know that Mary had gotten killed, or at least thought to be killed, after his own death. Dean did such a good job of hiding it that the angel never suspected a thing. He had just looked so happy... So happy when he gave Cas that ridiculous cowboy hat and so happy when they visited the Stampede Motel where Dean could satisfy his cowboy fetish... He had hidden his misery so well that no one noticed how miserable he had been only a few days before. Only Sam had noticed the change, but he was satisfied to see Dean in high spirits. 

But at this point, Castiel hadn't returned nor Mary. Dean was still a morose shell of a person. 

Present Castiel stood infront of Dean as he watched his best friend down his fifth bottle of beer in one night. He wanted so desperately to bring his hands up to Dean's face and hold it tight, never wanting to let go. But when he reached out, his hands merely phased through. 

Dean's soul wasn't there either. And Castiel wasn't sticking around to make sure. To see Dean in such depression made Castiel depressed himself. 

They were plunged back into the darkness. After watching Dean spiral into a deep depression after Castiel and Mary's previous deaths, the three of them were just about ready to give up, but a thought hit Castiel. With a little vigor, he continued to sift through Dean's memories until he came across the second most recent traumatic one. Watching Castiel being taken and not being able to do or say anything. Cas gulped and headed towards it, but he thought of something. Would Dean want this? Would Dean want Castiel poking around his head and revealing his deepest, darkest secrets to everyone? Cas pondered on this for a moment but thought better of it. They were already at the point of no return. Dean would complain, but this was the only way they could fix him. 

Besides, even if he wouldn't admit it to himself, Castiel wanted to see what Dean's reaction was after he was taken by the black tendrils. He wanted to see how much he broke Dean by leaving, and see what caused him to go missing. And also see what his reply was to the confession. Castiel nervously licked his lips as he thought of it. Dean had obviously looked at him in disgust. He was just getting his hopes up for nothing. 

He approached the memory but Sam and Jack came up worridly behind him. He decided to leave them behind and approach this himself. He couldn't let Sam and Jack see this. Not yet. There would be a time, but not in this type of environment. 

"Sam, you should rest. I can continue by myself." Castiel said distantly. 

"But Cas-" Sam started to object but Cas held up his head. 

"I won't be long. Jack, please stay with him and find me if anything happens." 

Jack tried to protest, but Castiel was already gone.

He found the memory and went back eight months to the Bunker's basement. The time where he and Dean would face certain death, or in this case Billie, if they didn't do anything to stop her. 

When he appeared in the memory, he arrived just in time to witness his self from 8 months ago telling Dean his true feelings. He wasn't a failure. He wasn't a killer. He deserved a life where he could be happy. Castiel's mouth slightly curled up as he remembered this. It truly was his moment of true happiness, telling Dean that he loved him. Perhaps it was the only pure happiness he had felt. Well, that wasn't true. Whenever he spent time with Dean was when he was at his happiness. Everytime he made eye contact with the hunter, or hugged him, or even sacrificed his own life, he was happy. He was needed. That was all it took to make him content.

But now wasn't the time to feel happy. Castiel sighed as the grim reality set in. This was the time to save Dean and get the hell out of there. 

Castiel watched as the black tendrils approached and took him. He shuddered as he remembered the grotesque feeling of being pulled into certain death. But he had kept a smile on his face for Dean. 

Now, he would be able to see Dean's reaction. He watched expectantly as the hunter attempted to process what had just happened. 

After being shoved to the side, Dean could only stare in horror and disbelief as he witnessed his best friend being killed right in front of his eyes. When the gap closed to the other world and Dean was left alone in the dark room, he buried his head in his hands and...

Sobbed.

Dean Winchester. The guy who couldn't feel emotions. They guy who didn't cry, but instead let his face leak, was now sobbing. Sobbing hysterically. Screaming. Crying. Wailing out Castiel's name loud enough for people on the surface to hear. Mourning the loss of his best friend and unknown to Castiel, the love of his life. 

Castiel's face sank into confusion and horror. He knew that Dean wouldn't accept his death with ease, but he didn't think that Dean's reaction would be this bad. But it was. And he had caused it. In an effort to better Dean's life and give him reason to live, Castiel had instead ripped it away. 

Dean continued to sob for over two hours. Even when his phone rang and he saw it was Sam, he just threw it on the ground and continued to bawl like a lost child. 

At that point, Castiel didn't even care if Dean reciprociated his feelings. His heart utterly shattered at seeing how much he had broken Dean by trying to do the heroic thing. He had tried going out like a hero and giving Dean the motivation to continue on. But this effort was lost on Dean. 

He didn't want to live without Castiel. That fact was now made painstakingly obvious. 

The facts hit Castiel like a brick. He was the one who had caused Dean to run away and be captured and tortured by monsters. It was his fault. And all because he wanted to go out in a way that would be remembered. 

Tears started streaking down Castiel's face and he rushed over to Dean, who was still on the floor sobbing. He uttered hushed words of love and enveloped Dean in his body and wings. He couldn't change the past. He knew this. But this was all he could do at the moment. He wished with all his heart that Dean's soul could hear his words and prayers. Hear his thoughts. Hear that he loved the hunter and no matter what he did he would always be loved and cherished by all his family and friends. 

But Dean couldn't feel nor hear anything. All he did was continue to cry. And he did so for the remainder of the night. 

Castiel couldn't take it. He couldn't watch the damage he had caused. He just couldn't handle the guilt and shame he felt at that moment. He needed to find Dean and tell him that he was here and alive. 

He begrudgingly ripped himself away from Dean's trembling figure and abruptly teleported himself back to Sam and Jack. They started to open their mouths to ask where he had gone, but he just raised his hand.

"I'll explain later. But we need to go to that place now. I've wanted to avoid it, but it's inevitable." Castiel quietly said.

The painful memory still burned in Castiel's head, but he shoved it out of the way and focused on the task at hand. He thought for a moment. He had hoped that they wouldn't have to go to this particular memory, but they had to. Everything else seemed devoid of Dean's presence, so this place would be the last that they would have to journey to. Castiel's wings tingled a tiny bit as he thought about it. He didn't want to go. By God he had hoped that Dean's soul would be anywhere but there. But it wasn't meant to be. 

Sam and Jack stared wide-eyed at him, but understanding slowly settled in. It was the most logical place to look at that point, even if they wanted to deny it. Jack took a deep breath and helped Sam up. 

"Let's go." 

Castiel held up his hand and transported them back to the time 8 months ago, when Dean was taken captive by monsters and tortured to the point of insanity. 

* * *

Upon their arrival, they were thrust into witnessing the entire capturing of Dean. From the moment he got in the Impala and started drinking his depression away, to his arriving at the abandoned town in Oregon and nearly pulling the trigger. At that point, Sam, Jack, and Cas were getting tired of being shocked at Dean's actions. To be honest, none of them were that shocked at Dean's suicide attempt. Deep in their minds, they had known that he would try to do this. It was just a matter of when. Dean was just too depressed to continue on, and even if they tried everything in their power to stop him, he would have done something drastic like this. 

They watched as he tried his hardest to kill the monsters that were trying to apprehend him. He succeeded in killing a couple of werewolves, but there were too many. He was easily overwhelmed and dragged off. He didn't even try to resist. He was already too broken. 

It first started with slow drags across the skin. Knives that poked at his skin and slowly drew blood as the monsters gloated at their new toy. Knives and claws and teeth created red dots all over Dean's body. 

So much pain. So much. Words couldn't even begin to describe the amounts of suffering that Dean was going through. Painful didn't even begin to describe it. There were just no words. 

Soon those dots evolved into deep cuts. Then teeth swarmed around him and bit every piece of flesh they could get ahold of. Blood flowed everywhere. 

Boian carved a sigil onto Dean's tongue with much carelessness. "Death shalt not take thee." It glowed everytime Dean was supposed to die. It seemed that it never went dull. 

They took Dean's pistol out of his waistline and shot him repeatedly in the head and appendages, cackling in elation. 

A witch arrived and placed a curse on him, causing him to feel pain more profusely, by at least tenfold. The screams became even more louder and painful. They only laughed harder and cut deeper.

Gwynth invaded his brain and forced him to relive all his worst regrets and pain whenever he passed out. Kind of like an angel would in the Empty, except for the fact that Dean had so many regrest and mistakes and trauma that he had tried to lock away that a trip to the Empty would be a walk in the park for him. So many nightmares. So many regrets. So many times his own family had called him a failure, disappointment, mistake, stupid, selfish... Every other derogatory term that existed could be related to him. And they were true. So true in Dean's nightmares. 

When Dean managed to find a slight chance to escape, he was very easily captured again and had his legs mangled beyond repair that they would be impossible to heal without divine intervention. 

Skin and flesh peeled off like a banana peel. An especially insane monster carved out his cheeks and mouth so that his teeth and gumline were fully exposed like a freak monster.

Gwynth used her angel blade and carved out Dean's eyes like someone would a pumpkin. She laughed as his gurgled screams echoed in the basement. Then Boian approached with needle and thread and sewed his eyelids open so that they would never close again. They would remain gaping holes of pain and hopelessness. Then he sewed the mouth shut so that it would never scream again. 

The list went on and on... 

Castiel couldn't handle it. He just couldn't. And to be forced to undergo this for 8 months? Absolutely not. They had to get out of here. Now. 

He ripped his eyes away and tried to mute out the sound of Dean's continual screaming through the thread. It was incredibly hard, but he relented and screamed at the other two. 

"Sam! Jack! Try to find his soul! Search wherever you think it would be, but find it!" 

Sam had tried to punch one of the monsters in a fit of intense anger, but his fist phased through the monster's head. He bit down on his tongue and fought off the tears that pricked his eyes. So goddamn much suffering and all for what? Nothing absolutely nothing except some satisfaction for a few bloodsucking monsters. He had rushed over to Dean and tried to rouse him, but of course they weren't there. This was all just memories. All of this had already passed and Dean had to endure alone, just like with dad and the panic attacks. Always alone. Always in pain. 

Jack stared at Dean as the broken man mumbled and blubbered out prayer after prayer after prayer. Praying to anyone, anything. Castiel. Jack. Castiel... 

"C...C-Ca. Caass... P-Pl-ease come b-ba-back. I... I n-n-need you now m... More t-than ever. Ple-ase." 

That was the prayer that had awoken Castiel in the Empty. A prayer that was so powerful that it transcended worlds and awoke a dead celestial being from its eternal slumber. 

Castiel blinked tears out of his eyes and stood infront of Dean. He crouched down and again, tried to cup Dean's tattered and ripped face in his hands as he heard this desperate plea for salvation. He was trying to do anything to tell his love that he was there. He was there and he was alive and it was his prayers that had awakened him and that they were going to rescue him from his head and then they would live together with nothing to worry about... Right? Right... Castiel scoffed at himself. After witnessing all of this, it was even a miracle that Dean had the energy to scream. No wonder that black cloud of misery had grown so much. No one could have survived that much torture and escaped without a scrape. Dean was a living anamoly as he was able to continue without ripping himself apart. 

Castiel's breath hitched as sobs escaped his throat. 8 months. 8 long months he had spent in the Empty with Sam, Jack, and Eileen searching with no rest for either of them, and Dean... Dean staying down here and suffering like he was in Hell again. 

Sam couldn't feel Dean's soul, but he searched fervently. He couldn't do this. He couldn't watch these monsters they usually killed with ease take their time and rip his brother apart as if he was confetti. No. He had ample opportunities to save Dean from this horrific fate, but he had ignored them. This was all his fault. Dean had run off on his watch and he had suffered here and in motel rooms and...

Jack searched with all his might. The soul was somewhere here. It had to be. They had searched nearly every other horrific memory of Dean's... So where was it? If only he had his God powers then he would be able to fix all of this with just a snap of his fingers but he couldn't. The urge was there and it was so tempting. Coaxing him to open the wall and let everything out. But no. He had to rescue Dean without them. As much as it pained him to prolong the agony of his second father, he had to resist the urge. He just wished that he could be more useful. 

And just when the three of them felt like they couldn't witness this tragic tale anymore, Castiel and Jack felt it. Barely there and so faint that it was almost nonexistant, but there it was shining and it was beautiful. 

Dean's soul.

It was here. Definitely. 

He looked at Jack. He had felt it too. 

They headed closer towards it. 

And then there it was.

It was silently hovering over the beaten figure of past Dean. Just a small blue speck that would have been missed by any other lower angel. 

Castiel slowly grabbed it and cradled it in his arms. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he realized they had found it. Finally, they had Dean's soul safely in their arms. They had gone so far, and they finally had it. Relief washed over the three of them in a giant wave. It was safe and it was with them. 

Upon contact, the soul started to glow a tad bit brighter. Then the light expanded and grew until it took the form of Dean. His mouth opened and let in a deep breath. He patted his newly formed chest and looked in disbelief at Sam, Castiel, and Jack. He started to say something, but he shut his mouth for a while and thought. It had dawned on him he wasn't supposed to be here. And they weren't supposed to be either. He would have to talk later. Priorities said they had to get the heck out of dodge. 

"Come on. Let's get out of here." Dean mumbled. 

Then they were teleported out of the loathsome memory and back into the pitch blackness of Dean's main headspace. The soul sighed as he watched the dark cloud rumble and grow. Castiel tried to say something, but Dean shushed him.

"Later. Right now, we gotta skidaddle." 

"But Dean, what are we going to do about this?" Cas made a grand gesture towards the darkness. "And what about your mental health? Are you going to wake up alright? Do I need to stay behind and help you or-" 

"I'll take care of it. I swear I'll be back as soon as I can be. Now come on, get your asses of my head before I kick you out myself." 

Shadows flew overhead and screeched as they hurled towards the three, trying to engulf them in the night. But Dean yelled at them to go and a wave of energy erupted out of him and caused the three hunters to stumble backwards and fade away as they awoke in the real world. 

Castiel's last sight was of Dean faintly smiling as the shadows made contact and attached themselves to his body. Dean just stared at them with sad eyes and continued letting them cling to his last bits of sanity. Castiel tried to call out, but he could already feel his consciousness returning to his body. 

Dean made a promise to himself. He would return. Even if he was fucked up in the head, he would somehow make it out. After all, he had to see Cas again and ask how the fuck he was still alive. 

He sighed. He hoped that somehow they could find a way to fix his mind and rid it of the shadows that had plagued it everlasting.

* * *

Sam, Jack, and Cas were jolted awake as they narrowly managed to escape the oncoming shadows of Dean's head, but there was no time to be dazed or confused. Sam ripped the wires from his head and then from his still-unconscious brother's.

They stared and waited anxiously at Dean's unmoving body. They had been thrust out so abruptly that they had no idea if they had succeeded in bringing Dean's soul back up. Castiel cursed as he gained his bearings and remembered what had happened. He should have stayed, he should have comforted Dean, he should have- 

Dean slowly roused and started moving his arms. Castiel's attention snapped back to him as well as Jack and Sam's. They all waited with bated breath as they awaited Dean's awakening and assess his mental state. Would he still be emotionally unstable? Or revert back to his animalistic nature? They felt as if they would explode with anticipation. It didn't help that Dean was taking his damn sweet ass time waking up. 

The sea-green eyes slowly fluttered open after what seemed like an eternity and a half. 

Dean let out a low groan as he awoke from his slumber. He stretched while his back creaked and popped and his hands clenched. He looked up at his three friends and squinted his eyes as he processed the situation. Upon remembering a few of the things that had just happened, and feeling the rushing intensity of a hangover-like feeling, he let out another groan. 

"Someone'd better get me a goddamn beer." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was so so late but I ended up accidentally deleting the whole 10,000 word chapter in a dumb mistake and I wanted to die so yeah  
> I still want to die I had so much and I had to type it all againn...........and i forgot half of what i wrote..... So sad im literally crying im so sorry I hope it's legible I kinda wrote this in a fit of anger  
> Again thanks for waiting so as a reward here's really long sad chapter. Definitely not one of the better chapters I've written but hopefully the length will atone a bit for the atrocious writing. Dont kill me lmao


	9. The Obstinate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is still emotionally constipated despite literally being *this* close to ascending to Heaven and still won't use his GODDAMN WORDS LIKE A BIG DUMB  
> Also got some angelic possession hehe wink wonk ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Destiel has gone canon 4 times? Wtf is wrong with this place  
> Misha Collins x Bill Clinton sex scandal? What is with SPN and presidents??  
> Heller Tony Hawk and Shawn Mendes?? Obama???  
> And Dean x Benny is canon now? Excuse?  
> I'm leaving  
> Where is the peace when you are done

**Graphic descriptions of a panic attack and suicidal thoughts later on**

"Dean, I really don't think you should drink a beer right now..." Jack noted, a hint of trepidation in his voice. 

Dean squinted at the concerned nephilim for a few moments. Then he sighed and shook his head. 

"Jack. Come here buddy." He gestured through his arm slings. 

Jack glanced towards Castiel and Sam, but the angel and hunter returned the same confused looks. Jack licked his lips and tepidly leaned over towards Dean. 

"Alright, listen closely, this is some quality Dean Winchester life advice, so you can take it with a pinch of salt. However, when you're old and grumpy like me, then you'll know when you need a beer. Right now, I feel like I just got hit by a freight truck and then run through a meat grinder all while being forced to listen to Justin Bieber. I think I need a goddamn beer."

Dean leaned back, satisfied, leaving a baffled Jack to stare at him. Jack opened his mouth in an attempt to say something to Dean about his deteriorating health and the effects of alcohol on the liver, but he thought better of it and nodded. 

"I think we still have a few in the kitchen. I'll check." 

Dean gave him a little half grin.

"You'd better. This place isn't home without beer. Thanks kid." 

Jack's mouth formed a line and he left the room. As his shoes echoed in the hallway, Sam gulped and started nervously fiddling with his fingers. He had no idea what to say at that point. 

"So. Uh, Dean. How are you? Are you feeling alright? Are you still soulless orrrr..." 

Sam let the last words stretch out and opened his hands as he waited expectantly for an answer from his newly resurrected brother. This was the moment of truth. Now, they would see if their hard efforts paid off and if Dean was mentally stable again. Dean stretched out again with a loud groan, but he sputtered as he processed what his brother had just said. 

"Soulless? When the hell was I _soulless?"_ He demanded. 

Sam grit his teeth and exhaled deeply. 

"It's a long story Dean. A very long story... But just know that you're okay right now. And all of us are glad you're kinda back to normal. Er, at least we think you are." 

Dean's eyebrows furrowed. Then he slightly shrugged and pursed his lips together in thought. Sam's tense stance visibly loosened up a great deal. At least Dean could form coherent sentences and could hold conversation now. That was much more than they could have hoped just a few hours before. 

"Can you at least let me out of these stupid things?" He asked as he tugged on the arm and leg slings that restrained him. Sam and Castiel hurridly agreed and set to work untying the tight knots that bound his appendages. Dean never noticed Castiel as he was too focused on blinking the sand out of his eyes and focusing his minimal energy on that beer Jack was bringing. When they finished, Dean gingerly rubbed his wrists, seemingly unknown to the fact that his arms had long gashes on them. Sam nervously cleared his throat. 

"Do you happen to remember anything? Anything at all about what happened to you? And if you do but don't want to talk about it that's fine I was just wondering." He suggested.

Dean pondered for a moment. 

"Don't remember much at all actually. All I know is that I feel like shit and that Cas is gone-" 

But as soon as he said those words, his green eyes shifted to Castiel's still form, trenchcoat, tie, and all. He tried to open his mouth and form words, but only stutters of shock escaped. Cas? _The Cas_ was alive? How? He was literally killed right infront of him. Did Sam or Jack bring him back? But didn't he have a deal with The Empty or something? So how could he be here? Right infront of him? Very obviously alive and very Castiel-looking. 

A faint glimmer of hope appeared in Dean's heart. Castiel was actually alive? Sam and Jack were there so it must be Cas. They wouldn't let a shapeshifter or a fake Cas into the Bunker, right? 

He slowly sat up from the bed to get a better look, but a grunt of pain escaped him as he irritated the scratches on his arms and legs. He looked down at his arms and saw they were covered with deep lacerations. Dean's eyes widened in shock as he turned his arms over and over, wondering how in the world he got those. Then he focused on his bare legs and felt the same pain in them. These were deep scratches, but for some reason they didn't look like the scratches of a werewolf or some psycho scarecrow. They looked like scratches human fingers would make. He was just about to ask how in the world he got those wounds when he saw his fingernails. They were bloodied and dyed a deep, crimson red. Dried blood resided in the cuticles and under the nail itself. 

He abruptly pulled the covers off his legs and was stunned to see his full body. 

First of all, his stomach was concave. Not flat, but actually caved in, and he could feel his own _ribcage_ poking against his paper-thin skin. Dry cuts and callouses littered his legs, and the same applied to his abdomen when he lifted the white T-shirt he had on. And he could feel his muscles. The once strong, hunter-reinforced muscles of his arms and legs were now shriveled up like deflated balloons stuffed with raisins. His skin felt flaky and frail under his fingers, as if he could peel it off with a single, swift motion of his hands. Upon feeling his face, he could feel the gauntness of it and the bones jutting out like rocks on a cliff. 

What the fuck had happened to him? 

Dean looked up at Sam and Castiel with scared eyes. He hated the feeling of helplessness that radiated off of him, but he couldn't control it. He had just woken up basically in a different body, with no recollection at all as to how he had procured it. But then he saw Castiel again and all concerns about himself flew off the wall. How was Cas here? He sighed and rubbed his face. 

"Alright, I'm not even gonna ask how this happened. First of all, Cas." At the mention of the angel's name, his eyes slightly lit up in happiness. "How in the world are you alive? I... I saw you being k-killed. Right in front of me. I thought I was never gonna get you back." 

Castiel nervously shuffled and refused to make eye contact. Dean looked confusingly at him, but Cas continued to awkwardly avoid interaction. 

"Cas, come on. I'm goddamn glad you're back man, but what happened? Did you make another deal? If you did you gotta tell me. You can't hide stuff like that from us! We gotta know so we can help you."

Castiel exhaled, breaking his silence, and worridly leaned in close to Dean's face. 

"No, I didn't make any deals with The Empty. To be completely honest, I have no idea how I got out. All I remember is being asleep then feeling someone praying to me. And that someone was you, Dean." 

Upon hearing Castiel's familiar gruff voice in his ear, Dean shivered a little. He loved that voice so much that everytime he heard it he felt as if a wave of calm washed over him. Honestly, he could listen to Cas talk for hours.

He tried to sit up from the bed and ask about his prayer towards Castiel, but he groaned again as his dead muscles were suddenly brought to life and the scratches on his legs were rubbed. Castiel rushed to help him, but Dean just set his hand up to signify he didn't need help. 

"Dean, I-I tried to heal you, I really did, but for some reason my grace couldn't-"

He was interrupted as Dean shook his head.

"It's fine Cas. I've had worse." 

He sat up on the edge of the bed with another grunt and assessed the damage to his body. He was about to ask again how this had happened to him, when Jack walked in with a single beer in his right hand. 

"Please drink this slowly. We don't want you getting any sicker than you already are." Jack advised. 

Dean just chuckled and grasped the bottle Jack handed him. He listened as the familiar _pop_ of the bottle cap as it came off. The cool and familiar rush of beer down his throat was invigorating. He knew that he would probably regret this later and should have instead drank some water, but dammit he wanted some beer. It had felt like forever since he had had one last. 

He let the bottle down after a long swig and let out a satisfying _pah_ sound, but upon dropping the bottle from his lips, he could see the concerned faces of the other three people in the room. He sighed and set the bottle down. It was probably time for them to let the cat out of the bag. 

"So. Who's gonna spill the beans?" Dean supplicated. 

Sam, Jack, and Castiel all made nervous eye contact with each other. Did Dean not remember anything at all? It was certainly possible that he forced himself to undergo an amnesiac state of mind to cope with the trauma, kinda like Sam had done earlier. But yet it seemed that Dean had remembered everything, so what had happened in that split second decision he had made to kick all of them out? Did he even remember that? Did he even remember being kidnapped or anything that had happened in the past 8 months? 

Sam poignantly recalled these points as they talked in hushed voices amongst themselves. Castiel offered some of his own thoughts as well as Jack, but they couldn't figure out why or how Dean was in that state of mind, and they certainly had no idea to relay the news of everything that had happened to him.

Dean rolled his eyes as he was being excluded out of something yet again. It was annoying how he still didn't have any answers as to why or how he had those scratches on his body, why his fingernails were caked in blood, why he looked like he just walked out of a WWII Concentration Camp, and why his insides hurt like hell. Upon focusing on his internal bits, his stomach did a quick roll and grumbled deeply. The ol' tank needed some fuel, and it was quite obvious that the rest of his body did too. 

"Alright guys, I'm not a kid, I know you're talkin' 'bout me. I don't really care, you can do that, but what's a guy gotta do to get some food around here? Starve?" 

Sam abruptly turned around and stuttered a little bit before getting his thoughts together.

"Uh. Ok. Yeah. Of course, sorry I didn't think of that sooner. Jack and I need to go to the store then. You're obviously malnourished so no burgers or heavy stuff for you, that beer was already a risky move on our part. We'll get you some soup or broth or something." 

Jack was about to ask why he had to go too but Sam discreetly stepped on his foot to signify he didn't decide on that on the spur of the moment. Understanding dawned on Jack and he nodded. 

"Yeah. Sam and I need to go to the, uh, store and get some stuff. Without you. So that you can eat." 

Dean raised his eyebrow and slowly nodded. 

"Cas, would you mind staying and watching Dean? We won't be gone long." Sam asked. 

Castiel agreed and he and Dean watched as Sam and Jack trudged away. The tension and anxiety in the air grew and nearly smothered the two of them. It wasn't that things were awkward, it was just that there was so much the two of them needed to talk about, but neither of them knew where to start. 

"So. Cas." Dean stared. "As we can see here, you're alive. Thank God, er Jack, that you're alive. I have no idea how and you said you don't either, so I guess we're on the same boat there. But to be honest, I don't really remember much at all. I remember running away from Billie, then for some reason The Empty came and took you and her. And... That's really it Cas. I have no idea what happened at all between now and then." 

Castiel awkwardly stood there. Dean kinda wanted to throttle him, but he restrained himself. He couldn't lose Cas again. Even if he had no idea as to why or how Castiel was killed, he knew that he would stop at nothing to avoid that again. 

"I need you, Cas. I need your help and I have no idea why I'm like this, but I know that I need you to help me. It's pretty obvious that something damn bad happened, even if I don't know. So I'm gonna need everything from the beginning, probably starting as to what happened with Billie." 

But Castiel stood as still as a rock and quickly averted his gaze. He didn't even open his mouth in an attempt to answer. Irritation rose inside of Dean. 

"Come _on_ Cas. Talk to me. Did I piss you off? Are you avoiding me? Giving me the silent treatment? Huh? Cas I can't work with this you gotta talk to me man." 

The angel found something interesting on the toe of his scuffed shoe. 

Dean groaned. He had probably done something to piss the angel off, which was very like him, but it was so infuriating that he had no idea what. He didn't think that he had done anything wrong, but then again, his memories were a fuzzy blur and an immense blank space in his mind. He couldn't make anything out no matter how much he prodded himself. The answers he was seeking were within Castiel, Sam, and probably Jack, but they wouldn't give anything up. It was as if they thought he was angry at them. He wasn't, but godammit as time passed and he received more questions than answers he did feel a tad bit angry. Why wouldn't anyone tell him anything? 

Dean was just about to hound Castiel again for an answer, but the beer had run its course and was now looking for a way out. He didn't want to get up, but when nature calls, it calls. And it was obvious that Cas wouldn't be talking to him anytime soon, even if he had no idea why. He gingerly sat up from the bed, but upon the sudden weight pressure, his knees nearly buckled under him. Castiel rushed over to support him, but Dean found stability on a countertop. 

"I'm fine. You continue doing your thing, whatever the hell it is. I gotta take a piss." 

Castiel tried to object, but Dean was already hobbling towards the bathroom. Cas grit his teeth and took Dean's arm over his shoulders and fully supported the grown man. Somehow, Dean seemed even lighter than earlier. His weight was merely a feather's mass upon his shoulder. Panic grew inside of Castiel. He desperately hoped that Sam and Jack would return soon so that this awkward tension between the two of them would disappear with an unbiased party. 

His silence wasn't because he was mad at Dean. He wasn't angry at all. He just wanted to tread lightly because he had no idea what the hell Dean was thinking or why his memories were gone. But he feared that any sort of interaction or unprecented words could trigger some sort of reaction inside of Dean, which could cause him to spiral into a manic state again. He was also fearful of the reaction Dean had towards his last confession, the one of love. Did Dean remember it? Or did he block it from his mind? 

There were just too many questions and not any answers. Dean wasn't talking about his feelings at all, so Castiel didn't want to push it. He had decided he would hold off on any information for now until Sam and Jack returned. That way, they could organize a plan together that would hopefully have minimal side effects from Dean. 

He knew that Dean was looking for answers from him. He knew that Dean was getting pissed off. He knew all of it. But he just couldn't risk triggering something that Dean's soul might have holed off. His soul was still there, but something was off. Castiel could definitely feel it. They were treading on light ground, and any sort of mistake could set off something dastardly. 

So Dean would have to be mad. It was the best course of action at the moment. Castiel would have to apologize later on, but for now, he had to remain silent. It was all for Dean's sake after all. Besides, anything they did for Dean caused him to get mad. It was just in his nature. He was so used to giving that receiving was a new concept to him. Anytime he gained something without reason, he assumed that it was because he did something wrong or someone was mad at him. 

Well, no one was mad at him now. This was Dean. The man that gave up everything to save the people he loved. The most selfless man on Earth. Said man deserved to receive something once in a while. Now, he was receiving the care and sympathy from the three of them. No matter how guilty he would feel, they were going to make him comfortable and happy like he deserved. 

The two of them arrived at the bathroom. At that point, Dean gently pushed himself off of Cas and leaned on the door. 

"Thanks bud. I have no idea why you're giving me the silent treatment, but just know that I'm not mad at you at all. I'm sure you think that somehow I'm incredibly pissed, which to be honest, is normal for me. But I'm not. So you can keep being mad and silent all you want, but you don't have to be because I'm not mad." 

And with that, he quietly entered the white room and shut the door. Castiel sighed and stood by the door for a moment. He knew that Dean wasn't mad. The only reason he would be at all was because of Castiel's prolonged silence. But what Dean didn't know was that Castiel was being silent for his sake. 

Whilst lost in his own thoughts, Castiel didn't realize that Dean was quietly rapping on the door. Panicked, he started to open it but he realized it was locked. Just as he was about to break it down, he heard Dean's familiar friendly banter from behind it.

"Relax, cowboy. I knew you would still be here. Do me a favor and not stand there like a weirdo? A little alone time would be appreciated." 

Castiel started to protest, wanting to say that he should be there in case Dean were to collapse or lose strength or something, but Dean spoke up again. 

"I'll be fine. Relax. I'm begging you, just ten minutes of some alone time to get my thoughts together. Then you can come in and do whatever." 

Castiel grit his teeth. Dean did have a point, but he was very fragile at this moment. Even more fragile than he usually was. But he relented. 

"Fine. But only ten minutes. Any longer and I'm coming in." He reluctantly responded. 

He could almost hear Dean's smile through the door. But he respected Dean's wishes and trudged away to the main room. It wasn't too far off from the bathroom, but far enough that Dean would be able to have his "personal space." Upon sitting down, he buried his face in his hands. The stress of everything that was happening was finally catching up to him. 

How would they ever break the news of everything that had happened if Dean did indeed seal off his memories in a last ditch effort at sanity?

* * *

Dean stared in the bathroom mirror. After he had done his business, he had stepped out of his T-shirt and shorts and was fully exposed to the grand image that was his body. Except it wasn't grand. It was frail and gaunt. 

Unfamiliar scars littered every square space of it aside from the long gashes that apparently his fingernails had caused. His hair seemed to have fallen out in clumps, but somehow it had grown back a little bit to its original shape. Probably from angelic grace or magic voodoo, but if so, when did that happen? Dean's confusion was evergrowing as he focused on everything ranging from the scars to the starvation to the painful stabbing sensation he felt in his head and stomach. Everything hurt a fuckton. What he wouldn't give to sink his teeth into a fat and juicy burger at that moment. 

He continued to stare as more questions arose inside his head. Everytime he tried to remember something, all he pulled up was a black slate of nothing and fuzziness coupled with static images. Nothing he did gained any sort of recollection towards what had happened. No one would even tell him how long he was out of it. It could have been a week, it could have a month, hell it could've been a year and he had no idea. 

He racked his brain as he tried to remember what had happened last. What happened before the blur that was his current memories. He looked in the mirror and focused on his face and his words. 

"I woke up without remembering anything. Sam, Jack, and Cas were there. I asked why Cas was alive, but he's been giving me the silent treatment. Before I woke up, I remember... I definitely remember Castiel dying but why? Why did he die?" 

The last thing he remembered was Castiel being taken by The Empty right in front of him. 

Dean's head pulsed and pounded as he tried to remember what had happened that fateful night. The painful memory of watching his best friend and his secret crush smiling as slimy ooze appeared from the wall and grabbed him, whisking him off to lands unknown. He had been completely helpless, being unable to do anything but watch and try to think of a solution, or anything to stop the deal from happening. 

The deal? 

His head pounded again but he grabbed the thought and held onto it for dear life. The deal? What deal? Castiel made a deal with The Empty? He said he hadn't made one to return but did he make one to enter? 

Dean grabbed his head as he started to shake with the stress of remembrance. But he held on. He had to. 

Cas made a deal with The Empty. He made it and then The Empty had taken him. What was the deal? What the fuck was it? What did he do to make The Empty take him right in front of Dean's eyes and-

A moment of true happiness. That was the deal. A deal for The Empty to take Cas as he experienced a moment of true happiness. 

And that happiness was his love for Dean and professing it. 

Dean stopped gripping his head and stared at himself in the mirror. Castiel loved Dean. He told him. He had told him and then he pushed Dean away and watched as he was taken by The Empty and taken to the place where he was supposed to die. And all Dean could do was watch. 

And then what? What had Dean done? He had... He... Didn't. Do anything? 

No. He sat on the ground. And he screamed. He screamed and cried and wailed as he watched Cas die in front of him never to be seen again. And he didn't do anything even after Cas had said I love you and Dean wanted to say it HE HAD WANTED TO SAY IT FOR YEARS AND YEARS but he couldn't he just couldn't it was too much so he just stood there like an IDIOT a big dumb stupid idiot and only watched and then he-

The ache returned. And then it grew. A painful stabbing in his head as it cried out to him to not remember. Stop it. It's too painful you don't know what you're getting into. You don't have to remember. Just keep it locked away. You can make new memories. You don't need to know the old ones. They're gone forever. Don't try to dig them back up. You can live without them. Stop it Dean. Just stop it. They're gone. 

But he had to. Even if his instincts told him not to, he had to. He had to know what had happened. He was an adult. No matter what it was, he could take it. He'd been taken hostage before and been tortured to the point of insanity. Whatever this was that he was blocking off for some reason, he could take it. 

_Just let it in Dean. Don't listen to yourself. You can handle this. Whatever it was, you can take it and you'll be fine._

He closed his eyes and mentally pictured a dam opening and letting water flood in. Water flooding in and drowning everything that it touched. Rushing water that destroyed everything it touched and washing away everything in its path with no regard for anyone's safety. Water that was cruel and uncaring, but at the same time not having a consciousness that could feel emotions. It was just there and it had its purpose. To wash away everything. 

That's what the memories did. They flooded his brain and overwhelmed and destroyed everything he had carefully built up in the short time period since he was awake. 

He screamed. 

* * *

Castiel had rushed to the bathroom as soon as he heard the scream and the crash of bathroom wares. He found Dean's limp body on the ground, clothesless. But he didn't care at all at Dean's birthday suit. He knew he shouldn't have left. He knew it, but yet he believed that Dean was fine. 

Well, obviously he was wrong. Dean was very much not alright as shown now by his unconscious state. 

Cas scooped up the body and rushed back to the bedroom he had been in not even fifteen minutes ago. He laid Dean down and covered him up tightly. Dean's face was full of sweat and was pinched in concentration. He twitched from time to time, like when he had collapsed after trying to have sex with Cas. 

What the fuck had happened in there? 

He put his fingers to Dean's head and felt the familiar whispers and screams of Dean's internal trauma. He cursed outloud as he realized that somehow Dean had locked the memories away to cope. He wasn't soulless, in fact he was quite himself and alright without the memories, but somehow he had easily unearthed them and was now facing the repercussions. 

Cas concentrated some grace into his fingertips and tried to worm through Dean's head to dispel some of the darkness, but again, it was too thick to penetrate. No matter how much he tried, his grace just wouldn't go through. 

He cursed and punched a wall, leaving a deep crater in it and shaking the room in the process. He was so stupid. He shouldn't have left. He should have talked to Dean. He should have reassured him and comforted him and done something other than just being silent and hoping that was the best course of action. How could he have been so blind and stupid? 

Castiel stared at Dean. Then he buried his head in his hands and started silently crying. 

Sam and Jack arrived sometime soon after. Upon seeing Dean, they both started shouting and asking what the hell happened this time with him. Castiel merely stated that Dean had locked his memories away but when he went to the bathroom he had somehow unearthed them. Groans of exasperation and sheer panic were given. 

A few minutes later Dean woke up once again. 

But this time, he was fine. 

* * *

"Dean?" What do you mean "you're fine?" you're not fine you literally almost died!" Sam exclaimed.

Dean continued to sip on the chicken broth Sam had bought. It definitely wasn't a burger, but he knew better than to stuff greasy food into a malnourished body. Besides, the stock was well seasoned with salt so it didn't taste too bad. And coupled with the saltine crackers? This could've been a gourmet meal it was that good. 

"Yeah. I'm fine. It was a bit overwhelming at first, but I'm fine now." 

Sam stared at the same spot Castiel had punched earlier and wanted to punch it too. Why was Dean like this? He was always hiding his pain and torment from everyone else. 

"Dean. Talk to us. You remember everything now?" 

"Yeah." 

"And? You wanna talk about it?" 

"I mean, what is there to talk about? I got kidnapped by some monsters for 8 months, Cas came back, and then you found me. Some shit went down where I was basically insane for a while, but I'm not now. Then you guys went flitting around in my head and snapped me out of it. I really appreciate that." 

He shrugged and continued to sip on the hot soup. 

"Now all I gotta do is get my strength back and everything will be normal. That's it really." 

Sam wanted to scream. Everything was not fine! They had seen everything Dean had buried for so long and how broken he was inside. They had literally seen everything! Yet Dean still made it a point to shrug it off and act like everything was alright. Nothing was alright! Nothing! Yet he had buried all his feelings again. This was the most exhausting part of his brother that he hated. He never asked for help or assistance or anything regarding his mental health, which at times was the part of him that was in the most jeopardy. Yet Dean wasn't in the least bit perturbed! 

"Dean, there's more to you than just "getting your strength back" and you know it. And you can hide it as you always have, but everything will erupt and we won't be there to help. You know this just as well as I do." 

"So? There's nothing to erupt. Yeah, I got some shit to deal with, but we all do. Just because I was a monster meatbag for a while doesn't mean that I'm helpless. Listen Sam, I'm fine. Really." 

"You're not fine! You're the exact opposite of fine! You almost died and you're saying don't worry about it. How do you expect us to do that?"

"I'm not saying that you don't have to worry, I'm just saying that I feel fine." 

"Dean stop it! You're not fine, you're shouldering so much that it's going to crush you anytime now." 

"And how would you know that?" 

"Because Dean. Because we saw everything! We've seen how much you're hurting inside and how much you are like dad. We know. And we want to help you! But you won't let us!" 

Dean groaned loudly. 

"Sam. Sammy. What do you want me to do huh? Sit around a round table and discuss my feelings with everyone and how insecure I am like a giant group therapy session?" 

"If that'll help, then yeah." 

"Well, news flash. It won't. I've got my shit to deal with and I've dealt with it all these years. I'm handling everything fine right now and no matter how much you try to convince me that I'm not, well you're wrong." 

"You're insufferable." 

"Yeah, well it comes with the full package." 

"Dean! I swear to God that I'm going to punch you in the face." 

"Then that makes two of us." 

Sam stared at Dean incredulously. This was getting them nowhere. Dean was _still_ suppressing his emotions like a robot. He understood that Dean didn't want to talk about them and he understood how vulnerable it made him feel, but godammit he couldn't bury everything forever! He needed to talk or vent or do something that would make him feel better, and not just bottle all his feelings up like he usually did.

"Cas. Jack. Back me up here. He can't continue like this." 

He looked expectantly at the two supernatural beings, but they weren't participating in the brother argument. Sam glared at them and grit his teeth. 

"Dean if you don't tell us what's bothering you then how do you expect us to help?" 

"SAM. I don't need help. Nothing's bothering me. Just stop badgering me." 

"But I'm worried about you. We're all worried about you even if some of us aren't showing it." 

"Well then stop being worried because there is nothing to worry about. Nothing! Nada! Zilch!" 

Sam put his head in his hands and nearly screamed. Dean was so vexatious that Sam just wanted to leave him alone and let him sort out his own problems. He would never do that in the long run. But right now, it seemed like an impossibility. 

After thinking for a while, Sam decided to not let his anger get the best of him and piss Dean off more in the process.

"Come on Jack. Let's go back to the store, we need more supplies anyway. I think I saw a good deal on tomatoes in the produce so I can make some pasta or something tonight." Sam said tiredly.

"But shouldn't we stay here with Dean? What if he collapses again?" Jack asked anxiously. Sam shook his head. 

"If he's fine like he says he is, then we don't have anything to worry about. Come on. Cas you wanna go?" 

Castiel continued to stare at Dean. It didn't take much thought for him to say no with a stern tone. 

Internally, Sam was relieved that Cas would be staying. Someone had to watch his idiot brother. He would've done it himself but he was too pissed off to even think straight." 

Dean and Cas listened to the familiar clomps of feet as they left the room and headed up the stairs. Castiel sighed. He couldn't bring himself to participate in their argument. His input aligned with Sam's, so that would have ticked Dean off even more. He and Dean made eye contact for a slight moment before Dean managed to bring himself to speak again.

"Cas..." 

He sighed.

"Am I wrong? Tell me honest to God am I wrong?"

"Dean..." Cas breathed out.

"I feel fine. I really do. It's not like I don't want to talk and be difficult. It's just that I honestly feel fine. Yeah, I still remember everything and I remember how much it hurt. But it's not corrupting my head or anything. It's just like when I was in Hell. It hurt, but I'll press on. 

"But Dean, it's ok to talk about your feelings sometimes. It's not healthy to bottle all of them up-"

But Castiel was cut short as he looked at Dean. 

Sam and Jack's footsteps were now gone, and the grim reality had set in for Dean. He had done something yet again to piss his brother off and look. It had gotten them nowhere except an angry Sam storming off, leaving Dean alone and in the dark. 

He hated being alone. 

Suddenly, the times that Sam had done this in the past resurfaced in his head. The time he had left for Flagstaff, Stanford, the night he confronted Sam and Ruby, and all those other times. They came bubbling up like a boiling pot and Dean remembered all of them at that moment. He remembered how terrified he felt and how lonely he was at Sam's prolonged absences. He remembered how petrified he had felt at thought of being left alone, like how dad did when Sam had left for college. 

The familiar feeling of his breath hitching and getting caught in his throat came. He struggled to regain his composure himself in front of Castiel, but that was impossible. It had already started no matter how much he willed it down. He started shaking out of his skin and his teeth started chattering. Racing thoughts appeared and his eyes moved erratically. The fear. The terror. Everything that he hated about himself came to the front of his mind and he couldn't stop it. 

Castiel sensed the sudden change in Dean's breathing. With inhuman speed, he raced over to Dean and he witnessed the man he loved experiencing a panic attack. He set his fingers to his forehead, but he still couldn't get through to the root of the problem, Dean's Athazagoraphobia. It was very obvious that Dean possessed this certain phobia, but it was so deepset into Dean's trauma that he couldn't fix it, thus not being able to comfort Dean in his attack on his mind. 

He could only watch in distress as Dean spasmed and whimpered in front of him. Castiel's mind raced as he tried to think of what he could do to help. It then dawned on him to remain calm. Keep calm and help Dean accomplish the same. That was the best thing he could do right now. He leaned next to Dean's sputtering face and gently took his hands in his own. He gently rubbed his palms and squeezed them in a rhythm. 

"Dean. I need you to listen to me. Right now, you're having a panic attack. I know you don't want me to witness this, but please just listen. Breathe in rhythm with me." 

He made eye contact with Dean and gently breathed in a rhythm. Dean's frightened green eyes met his blue ones, but he made a conscious effort to concentrate on his breathing. He soon began to follow the pattern Cas established. 

"Good, good. You're doing great Dean. Now, keep breathing like that. This will all be over. And you're not alone. I'm with you. I'll always be with you, Dean. I will never abandon nor forsake you. You don't deserve that. You've done so many great things in your lifetime that even I couldn't do." 

In less than three minutes, Dean's breathing slowly fixed itself and his heart started to beat regulary. Castiel smiled widely at the hunter.

"See Dean? You can do this. You're stronger than this. I know, it's something that you never wanted anyone to see. But we know Dean. And you don't need to be embarrassed. This isn't something you can control, so there's nothing to be ashamed of. We are not disappointed. All of us love you and would die for you. So stay strong Dean. You can do this." 

Dean blinked hot tears out of his eyes and stared at Castiel. He opened his mouth, but he only choked on his words. Castiel smiled and put his finger to Dean's lips, gently shushing him. 

"It's alright Dean. You don't need to say anything." 

Dean smiled back as the tears started to fall. Using the last of his strength, he leaned up and tightly held Castiel in his arms. Giant sobs racked his body and shook his entire frame. The built up sobs and cries that Dean had buried for so long finally boiled over and he could let them all out. It hurt Cas to see Dean in such pain and brokenness, but he was elated to see that he was helping at least a little bit. Even after ten minutes of Dean spilling out vulnerabilities in his trenchcoat, Castiel still continued to smile and hold Dean close. He gently patted and rubbed Dean's head and his back, whispering words of encouragement and love to the broken man. 

Then a tiny idea appeared in Castiel's head. 

"Dean. I know you're hurting inside. For years and years I've known. And now, I feel as though I can help. You just have to give me your approval." 

Dean unstuck his face to Castiel's chest and looked up with red eyes. He sniffled a little and rubbed his nose with his arm. 

"W-What do you mean?" He stuttered out. 

"Let me in Dean. I can help you with your mental trauma. Like what you did with Sam and Gadreel. Except this time, you don't have to hide it from anyone and I will actually help you. I can help you Dean. You just have to let me help." 

Dean actively recoiled and Castiel instantly regretted his words as Dean retreated back into his shell. 

"What the hell are you saying man?" He nearly hissed out. Castiel cursed himself for even thinking of an idea as stupid as that, but it was too far now. 

"You know I love you Dean. And while I don't know if you love me back... I still know that I will never stop loving you. You're beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful and I will do anything to preserve that beauty." 

Castiel took Dean's hands in his own. It pained him to see Dean flinch a little, but he held onto them tightly.

"Let me help. I know you're hurting inside. You can hide it from Sam and Jack, but I know you. I know how much you hate yourself and how much pain you're in. I know what you think about yourself. I've already told you this but you're not daddy's blunt little instrument. You don't corrupt everything you touch. You're not made to be used and then thrown away. Even if you think this about yourself, it's not true. No one thinks it's true because it's not." 

Dean tried to find words to say. Say something about how wrong that was. Say something about how he didn't ever want to be possessed ever again after Michael. Say that he hated this idea but he still wanted to do it because he wanted Castiel inside of him in a weird way like that. Say that he didn't like the feeling of being possessed but if it was Cas then he would do it in a heartbeat. So many things he wanted to say, but his mouth stayed glued shut. Just as when he watched Cas being taken by The Empty. He was still a coward. He still couldn't voice his thoughts. Even when he was here in Castiel's arms and crying his damn eyes out he still couldn't open his mouth and just say what he wanted to say. 

Castiel noticed Dean's silence but he could feel his thoughts racing. He pulled Dean into another deep hug. He just hoped that he hadn't pushed Dean even further away. God, that was the very last thing he wanted to do. He just wanted to help. He needed to help.

"Just let me help you. You've helped me so much. Without you, I would have died many times over. But because of you, I haven't. Because of you, I've learned to love and care for others. Because of you, I've learned the meaning of my life and why I was brought into existence." 

He unwrapped his arms and took Dean's face in his hands. Hot tears were still actively running down the hunter's cheeks, but Castiel brushed them away with a loving motion. 

"You deserve to be saved, Dean." 

Dean sniffled and cradled his head into Castiel's rough hands. He formed a pained smile on his face and Castiel returned it. After a while, he sighed deeply and sat up. Tears still streaked his cheeks and he hated looking so vulnerable, but he swallowed his pride. It was ok if it was Cas. Everything was ok with Cas. 

"If I _do_ do this, promise not to do anything fishy to me?" 

"Dean, I would never hurt you for anything."

Dean chuckled a little.

"Tell that to Naomi." 

Cas cracked a smile but returned to his same grim face.

"I truly am sorry about that Dean. I wasn't in the right-"

But this time, Dean shushed him by putting his fingers on Cas's lips.

"I know bud. I'm just giving you shit." 

They faintly smiled at each other. Dean's thoughts whirred as he thought of what he could do. He no longer felt angry at the suggestion, but instead he now felt like it could actually work. Well, even if it didn't, he still thought the idea of Castiel inside his body was fucking _hot._ Maybe it would feel like the time he tried those panties on. 

He exhaled deeply and stared deep into Castiel's eyes. 

"Do you mean that? Do I really deserve to be saved?" 

Castiel looked taken aback but he nodded his head and brought Dean into another hug.

"Of course you do. It's idiotic to think otherwise." 

Dean smiled into the angel's chest and sniffled once again. He still had to convince himself that this was a good idea. This wouldn't be like with Michael. Castiel wouldn't force himself to give up control over his own body. He would never do that. Cas wasn't evil. He would never even think of possessing Dean against his wishes. The dreadful and revolting feeling of Michael's possession continued to press on his head, but he pushed it down with thoughts of Cas. Cas would never, ever do that. 

Well, it was now or never. If he hesitated too long, then he would probably say no later on and regret that. 

And even if he couldn't admit it to himself, he needed help. He needed so much help that it was excruciatingly painful inside and out of his head. He wasn't fine. He was never fine. He was in such pain and discomfort and displeasure that he felt like putting a bullet in his brain at that moment. He needed Castiel's help. 

He needed Cas. He needed Cas every moment he was awake and every moment he was asleep. He needed Cas by his side when they drove or ate together or just talked friendly. He needed Cas in every moment of his miserable life. He needed Cas because he loved him. 

He loved Cas. He needed Cas. He needed everything about Cas from the mesmerizing sound of his voice to his naive view of the world around him. 

After 12 long and excruciatingly painful years of pining, yearning, eye-fucking, and everything else inbetween, he finally admitted it to himself. He loved the stupid angel. 

_Cas._ _Cas. Cas. Castiel._

_Cas... I... I love you._

He exhaled deeply. Now with newfound determination and vigor resulting from the revelation, Dean leaned away from the hug and made hard eye contact with the angel. The angel that he loved with every fiber of his being and every nerve of his body. 

"Alright then. Let's get this over with before I regret it." 

Castiel's eyebrow furrowed in concern.

"Are you sure Dean? We really don't have to if you're uncomfortable-"

"Dammit Cas don't try to talk me out of this. Either do it or don't." 

Cas sadly smiled. 

"Alright, then if you're completely sure. I just need you to-"

"Yes, Cas. God yes." 

He then leaned his face into the love of his life's and let their touch starved lips meet each other in the middle. 

* * *

Some time later, the Bunker's front door barged open and Jack and Sam came in, towing large grocery bags.

"Sorry we took so long but it was busy as all hell in there." Sam hollered down, expecting a quick response. 

But they were greeted with silence. 

He and Jack looked at each other in frightened panic and hastily set the bags down and ran throughout the Bunker, trying to figure out where the other two residents were and why they weren't answering. 

Sam's mind filled to the brim with panic as he pulled at his hair, cursing himself yet again for leaving Dean behind. He was pissed. But he still shouldn't have done it. Especially after seeing what his absences did to Dean. He shouldn't have stormed off, he should've stayed and worked through his anger and not have gotten so-

Jack called from Castiel's room and Sam nearly tripped himself in rushing over.

Both of them were astonished at the sight that beheld them. 

They saw the still figures of Dean and Castiel right across from each other on the bed, their foreheads interlocked and their eyes closed. A thin line of blue grace slithered from Castiel's vessel and into Dean's slightly agape mouth. Upon Sam and Jack's arrival, they slowly and deliberately opened their eyes at the same time.

Both pairs shined the same brilliant blue as an angel's. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I'm gonna finish this even if it kills me  
> Well I'm already dead from the "finale" so I guess those words don't have much meaning  
> Also I love Destiel so much they're so beautiful I was squealing when I wrote this AAAAAAAAAAA  
> And sorry if Dean isn't written well I have trouble with dialogue so sometimes it sounds too static and less flowy as a real person would talk. Just blame my writing class for making me write poetry for a year instead of dialogue


	10. The Response

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Domestic Bunker life except Dean isn't there except he is it's just his body but he's not there there like it's not him it's actually Castiel in his body instead. What?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so s o o o ooo sorry the chapters are like not coming as often as I'd like and for the fact that this one is so late that my dad returned with the milk. A good friend of mine got into a fatal accident a month ago and I just really couldn't focus on writing. But they're fine now and everything's going smoothly regarding their health and recovery.  
> So yeah this is late and I'm sorry. The chap is a tad bit rushed and a bit shorter than usual because of that, like it's really bad writing even for me... I'm hella sorry please don't kill me AAAAAAAAAAAA
> 
> Anyways please enjoy the dumpster fire as always. As a reward for waiting here's some happy moments because we get none of those in the show

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed deeply. 

"So basically Dean is like... Hibernating? And you're in the driver's seat?" He asked with some degree of alarm. 

Castiel, who was now residing in Dean's body, nodded in his usual angel-like way. 

After Sam and Jack had barged into the room and witnessed the spectacle of their two best friends basically eating each other (not in a sexy way, like an angel grace entering body kind of way) they were left dumbfounded as to what had happened while they were at the supermarket binging on ripe tomatoes from the produce department.

After the blue eye reveal, Castiel's vessel, or respectively Jimmy, had collapsed on the bed, now just a dead angel meatsuit, and Dean, now Castiel, had risen. Sam could immediately tell that Dean wasn't in full control, and his mind went into panic mode as he remembered the spectacle with Michael. _Shit shit shit Dean said yes to an angel this never ends well how the fuck are we gonna get it out of him?-_

However, upon remembering that it was Castiel that was in possession and not the psycho archangel, his worries eased up and he could think about the situation logically. Maybe this would help Dean like Gadreel had (kinda) helped Sam with his head problems after the trials. 

Sam had wanted to ask what had happened while they were gone, and why Dean and Cas were so close to each other, but he thought against it. Something had happened and they had obviously shared an intimate moment. He didn't want to break the fragile relationship, especially that they needed each other now more than ever. Logically he guessed that they had kissed or something. It was about damn time. 

His thought process broke as Castiel spoke again. 

"Dean's mental state is extremely fragile right now. It has been since he woke up - even if he wouldn't admit it." Castiel continued. 

Cas rubbed the skin of Dean's raw arms, yearning for the touch of their lips again. That was definitely a better kiss than the one before. It was slow, deliberate, and mind-numbing. He wished that they could do it again a million times over and over and forget their present worries. Unfortunately, it wouldn't be for a long while until Dean would be ready to show himself. Besides, he probably didn't mean to do it in the first place. He was emotionally vulnerable and acted on his frantic feelings. 

Twice now, Dean had kissed Cas. But both times weren't made with true intent. That wasn't Dean who initiated the gesture of love. Dean would never. 

He pushed the gut-wrenching pain down and focused on the conversation at hand. He would focus on his own feelings later. Right now, healing Dean and his body were priority. 

"We came to a consensus. I would possess his body and help him recover externally while he would rest and focus on healing internally." 

Dean's voice came out low and gruff, like how Castiel spoke. Jack was definitely taken aback at the abrupt change and the sudden surge of mind-boggling information, but at least it wasn't like anything world-shattering had occured. Castiel was now in control of Dean's body while Dean's soul rested. It was a perfect plan. Jack just wished that he weren't so useless at the moment. It was like he was nothing without his powers. Sam could hunt the monsters and Castiel could heal and possess Dean but all he could do would be stare and let them handle everything else. 

What good was he? He had done nothing to help because he was stupidly unusable without any of his power. A useless sack of potatoes that couldn't do anything because it was too scared. And scared of what? World destruction? He would never do that. 

But he still couldn't bring himself to release everything. That damn pull was just too strong for him to ignore. 

Jack's self-deprecating monologue abruptly ceased as the conversation continued between the three of them. He stopped thinking about it, but he could still feel the pricks of his doubt towards himself in the back of his head. 

"So Dean's just... Gone? Can he, like, ever resurface if he wanted to?" Sam questioned. 

Castiel nodded his head.

"Of course. I would never intentionally force him to remain dormant, especially since what happened with Michael. If he ever wants to "be in the driver's seat-"

He said this with the trademark Castiel quotes. Sam chuckled a tad bit to himself as he remembered Castiel's "people skills." Even if the angel was in Dean's body, he was still their naive friend who knew little of pop culture references. At least he could use air quotes properly now. 

"Then I would be more than happy to oblige. But for the moment, he's content with just resting. He was hiding his mental exhaustion. Not very well I might add, but he was still doing so nonetheless. He needed a break to gather himself, and so I offered to take his place while he did so. That leaves us here. I don't know how long exactly, but I can guess it will be a while." 

Sam nodded understandingly. He was just glad that Castiel was around to help. If he hadn't mysteriously appeared a few days ago, then he and Jack would probably have had no idea how to handle Dean. But Cas knew how to perfectly, and Sam would be eternally grateful to his best friend for always being there for them through the thick and thin. 

He just didn't realize how strange his life would become while his best friend walked around in his brother's body. 

* * *

Life with Dean Castiel was definitely a strange phenomenon to witness, much less get used to. To start with, it was relieving to hear an extra set of footsteps around the Bunker. Just 8 months before, there was hardly any movement and no sound other than the rustling of papers, clicking of keys, and sighs of exhaustion. The air had a dead feel to it filled with dread and fatigue. The situation at the time had seemed hopeless.

But now, there was a sprig of life that had gradually picked up. Eileen had returned from her Kitsune hunt (and had found another case on the way back) safely and Sam was carefully sharing the traumatic events that had happened prior, starting from Dean's rescue to their infiltration of his head. He took great care not to include the grotesque shell of Dean they had found in that basement, and he only vaguely described his brother's breakdowns. Those were minor details that he could thankfully spare from her. 

While Sam and Eileen exchanged hushed conversation, Jack was trying to process the change in atmosphere. He knew what was happening, but it was excruciatingly confusing to watch both his "fathers" walking around in the same body while one was basically asleep and the other was awake but was walking in the other's body and acting normal but not being normal because he was in the wrong vessel...

Damn.

This situation was perplexing. 

Jack decided to ease his mind of this confusion and have a small discussion with Castiel himself. His head was burning with questions that he needed to ask and Castiel was the perfect being to ask. He just hoped that his angelic father would possess some concrete answers and offer some of his age-old angel wisdom.

"Hey Cas?" 

Castiel/Dean turned around from preparing a fat stack of hamburgers stacked high on a plate. To the side laid five discarded packages of ground beef that Jack and Sam had impulsively bought earlier because Dean was back. They had thought he would want some hamburgers eventually so they agreed to buy a bunch of meat for him to use in the future when he felt up to it. Usually Sam would turn his nose up at the fattening fare, but Dean's comfort food would definitely help in restoring his health. They just didn't know that these hamburgers wouldn't be prepared by Dean, but by Castiel in Dean's body.

Dean's long, scarred, and scrawny fingers were covered in pink meat and onions. Castiel had obviously experienced cooking before, most likely learning from Dean himself. Jack could vividly envision the two of them standing in the kitchen together, close enough to be helpful towards each other but barely far enough so that the other wouldn't think the latter was trying to get closer out of fear of rejection and thus ensuing awkwardness...

 _Dean smiles as he shows Cas how to mix the hamburger in a bowl, gently taking the angel's fingers into his own and mixing everything together, their fingers tenderly overlapping each other, which causes both of them to slightly heat up, but not enough for the other to notice. Dean smiles at Cas, asking if he's_ _got it in the bag. Upon Castiel's confused but cheerful reply, he washes his hands to start cutting up an onion. The two of them start leaking tears at the onion's chemical release and Dean laughs at Castiel's scientific explanation of the onion releasing sulfur and syn-Propanethial S-oxide. Dean laughs and playfully asks if Cas wants to wash his hands and come cut the onion himself if he's such a know-it-all._

_Castiel smiles and agrees, glad to be of use to Dean while also enjoying himself. He can see Dean's eyes crinkle as he smiles widely and he can't help himself from smiling also. While cutting, tears run down his cheeks as his vessel's eyes become stinged and irritated, but he's laughing with Dean as they experience the simple sensation of dicing an onion together, something that many others took for granted._

_They continue to make the patties together. Dean's are perfectly round and all of them are nearly identical in weight and volume. He works with the speed and ease that can only come with experience. Castiel's stack is noticably smaller and the patties are more oblong in shape. The bottom ones are uneven and more pressed down into strange egg shapes, with crinkled edges and different sizes. The top ones are better, but still not on the same level as Dean's._

_Castiel's eyes stray over to Dean's hands. They work so effortlessly, working away and ridding the meat of any flaws that would make it seem unsightly. He tries his best to mimic Dean's skilled hand movements, but he struggles to even begin to come close to the hunter's skillset. Dean notices and chuckles to himself. Castiel could be like a lost puppy or a curious child at times, and he was so goddamn adorable when he was._

_He turns towards Castiel and opens his hands up. In it, there's a large meatball. He uses his thumb and playfully smashes it into his palm. Then he smooths it down and forms another perfect patty. Castiel watches with intense interest, absorbing all the information and trying to encode it into his head so that he can do the same._

_Dean winks at the angel in a somewhat flirty manner._

_"Meatman!" He exclaims with a chuckle._

_At that stupid little remark, Castiel's face breaks into a wide smile. He doesn't understand what a "meatman" is, but to see Dean acting like an excited child is enough to make his heart feel like it's going to explode full of love and adoration._

_After a little while the bowl's empty and the two of them have a decent sized plate of hamburgers. Both of their stacks have been mixed together, both the perfect and unperfect patties. Dean washes his greasy hands and after drying them, claps Castiel's shoulder. He stares fondly at their mismatched hamburgers and he chuckles._

_"I think we did a damn good job."_

_Castiel blushes slightly. He wishes that he could've done better, but Dean seems content, and that's all he needs to see. They smile at each other widely. The words are hanging in the air, unspoken, but they're there. They just don't know how to say them._

_So they don't._

_They grill the hamburgers in comfortable silence and call down for Sam and Jack to eat. Castiel still can't get the taste of molecular construction off of his tongue, but he eats anyways. He loves Dean and his beautiful humanity so much that he would even destroy his nonexistant tastebuds for the love of his life._

_They eat the rest of their meal happily. Jack compliments the hamburgers, munching on one of the stranger shaped ones Castiel made. Sam takes a smaller one and eats it with a heaping plate of salad. After a couple of bites, he scoots the salad to the side and grabs a larger hamburger. Each bite produces a small noise of satisfaction from him._

_"Guys, I have no idea what you did today, but these are really good." Sam says between humongous bites._

_Castiel and Dean make eye contact, proud of themselves for the successful dinner. Dean nearly unhinges his jaw and takes another bite and Castiel watches as the juices drip down his chin and onto the plate. He repeats the same gesture, and while the taste is terribly unpleasant, he still does it for Dean. He does everything for Dean._

_The unsaid words remain stagnant in the air, growing evermore, but still left untouched by the two lost souls..._

"Yes, Jack?" Castiel replied. 

The angel washed and wiped his hands on the apron he was wearing, which was also the apron Dean oftentimes wore when he cooked. Jack suddenly remembered the birthday cake that Dean had made for him a long time ago. It was that same apron, but it was covered in frosting, sprinkles, and flour at the time. Now, it was washed pristinely, not a speck of grease or dirt on it. It only had some water stains that would fade in about five minutes. 

Cas had obviously washed it with care, not wanting any sort of flaws to remain on it. Perhaps he had done it as a surprise for Dean before he was taken by The Empty. 

Jack's eyes strayed from Castiel to the impressive stack of patties on the countertop. The hamburgers on the plate were beautifully shaped, perfectly round and equal in size. Jack was slightly surprised by this, expecting Castiel to have a little less experience than Dean. After all, he had seen the different between Dean and Cas' burgers with his own eyes. Apparently Castiel had done some practicing on his own. 

"Do you have a minute? To, uhm... Talk for a bit?" 

Castiel's brow furrowed in concern and he cocked his head in his usual angel-like way. 

"Of course. Is there something wrong?" 

"No, not really. It's just that I have some, uh, questions. I was wondering if you could answer them." 

"Yes, of course I can Jack."

He untied the apron from around his waist. He held it up and stared at it for a moment before carefully folding it up and gently laying it on the kitchen table. 

"Let's go sit in the main room." 

* * *

Jack stared at Dean's face. It was no longer _Dean's face_ though. It was Castiel's. He could tell every stark difference in the two, even if they were in different bodies. Castiel used less emotion on his face, oftentimes keeping a stoic demeanor as his neutral stance. Dean, though, his face was oftentimes a flurry of micro-expressions. He never had a true "neutral" face like Castiel did. He always emitted feelings just from his facial expressions. 

But somehow, Dean's face was exactly how Castiel's usually was. It was nearly emotionless, devoid of feelings aside from the thin line of his lips. For some reason, this greatly unsettled Jack, to see Dean's face so neutral, but he bit down the discomfort and continued to relay his problems towards his father. 

Even if Castiel was in Dean's body, it still was Castiel. He was still his father and the angel that had saved his life on numerous occasions. There was no reason for him to feel uncomfortable at all. 

"I... I don't really know where to start Cas. There's just been so much going on that I just don't even know what _to_ ask you. I'm so glad you're here. Of course I'm glad. I'm so happy that you and Dean are alive and that we're all together again, er, kinda. But I can't help it that I still have questions. Questions that only you can answer." 

Jack fidgeted nervously in his seat. Castiel nodded his head understandingly. He never broke eye contact with Jack as he spoke with a soft tone using Dean's husky voice. 

"All of us have many, many questions that we want answered. Sam, Dean, Eileen, even me. Now, I can't guarantee that I can answer every question of yours, but I can do my best to try." 

Jack took Castiel's response as an indication of him to start. He took a deep breath and started with the most burning question he had. 

"So how is Dean? Is he really ok?" 

He looked expectantly at Castiel. Obviously this was a loaded question and one that would take a lot of thought, but he had to know. He had seen the extent of Dean's injuries and mental trauma. Even without most of his advanced angelic senses, he could still tell that Dean was fucked up in more ways than one. 

The angel pursed his lips in thought. Jack could tell that Castiel was trying to think of a way to break the news in a way that was "watered down" as he had heard Sam say from time to time. He wished that Castiel wouldn't do that. He may only be barely four years old, but he had seen things most people couldn't even begin to imagine. He could handle a gritty reality. He just had to know how Dean was holding up. 

After an uncomfortably long period of silence, Castiel spoke with carefully chosen words, each syllable slowly rolling off his tongue. 

"Dean is... Not at his best right now. Even though he's resting, he's still dealing with the repercussions of everything that's happened. His soul is badly damaged and to be honest, it could still disappear at any moment, it's that faint. As of now, I'm using my grace to keep him asleep and calm while he relaxes. It's all I can do at this time, but I do feel as though it's helping. As for how long he'll be like this, well, even I can't say." 

Castiel paused and looked at Jack with wide, sad eyes. Jack returned the same. They stared at each other for a while before Castiel sighed and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. 

"We can't lost hope though. He's relatively stable now. I will do my best to nourish his body and improve his external health while I'm in possession of his body. You and Sam have done all you can for the moment. Now, I'm the one that has to do the rest."

He paused again and licked his dry lips. The feeling was strange to him as he was used to the feeling of Jimmy's body as his own. Every single action he did as Dean seemed foreign. He was slightly taller. He had bowlegs. He felt a little sluggish as his cholesterol was shot up to levels that weren't humanly possible, even if Dean's body was severely malnourished. It definitely made him feel a bit uncomfortable and a tad embarrassed to be invading Dean's body, but he didn't have a choice. 

He was the one that had caused this. So he was the one that had to fix it. 

Jack nodded his head slowly, his eyes still wide and sad like a lost puppy. He was lost, and like the rest of them, he wanted answers. Castiel felt a pang of sympathy for his son. Even after the main threat of world destruction from God was over, he and Sam were still struggling to continue without Dean and himself. When would they ever be able to just rest without the world caving in on itself? It seemed that they would never get the ending that they deserved. 

"Well, I guess that's good. As long as Dean is healing, all we can do is wait." Jack responded after a slight pause. 

Castiel nodded and gently took Jack's hands into Dean's calloused ones. The feeling was oh, so strange. The once strong and handsome fingers were now taunt and thin. They had no strength to them, as if a gust of wind could easily break the bones inside. He would have to be extremely careful to not put any sort of physical exertion on Dean's broken body. 

"What else did you want to know?" He gently asked. 

Jack's yellow gaze shifted away and he stared at the wall, pondering as what to ask next. He still had so many other questions swimming inside his head, but he had no idea where to even start asking The most pressing one was taken care of, which was a relief, but the other questions persisted. 

He decided to ask the next best one. 

"Why can't I control my powers?" 

Castiel's eyes widened a little at the loaded question. He sighed and cleared his throat nervously before staring awkwardly at an opposite wall. Jack turned his eyes back and waited for an answer. Castiel looked sadly at him and shook his head.

He also had no idea what to say. There was no sure answer as to why Jack felt those pulls in his head or why he felt as though he could kill someone at the blink of an eye. The most logical explanation would be that some of God's inner thoughts had merged with his and Amara's power and Jack had absorbed both... But if that was the case then how would they fix that? It wasn't like they could just extract God AND Amara's power and put it somewhere... 

Castiel sighed deeply again. There was just too much to discuss and fix. He just wished they could poof everything right again. 

He opened his mouth to respond, offer some sort of words of encouragement, but before he could the door to the kitchen opened and Sam's hairy head poked through. 

"Oh, hey guys. Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt you, but-" 

Before Sam could finish his statement, Castiel stood up and cleared his scratchy throat again.

"You're fine, actually. We were just finishing up discussing Dean's mental wellbeing. I'm going to go finish cooking dinner. It will be ready momentarily." 

He turned around and let himself retreat back into the kitchen to finish cooking, leaving a dumbfounded Sam and Jack to stare at his lingering figure.

* * *

Jack, Sam, Castiel, and Eileen were seated at the dining table which doubled as the map table, blissfully eating a dinner that Castiel conjured up. Jack was left speechless as Castiel whisked plate after plate of many delicious looking dishes. A large salad bowl, potato salad, corn on the cob, fruit cocktail, a tray of brownies, and a huge stack of hamburgers balanced on an equally large plate. 

After Castiel had called them over to eat, the three other residents were absolutely baffled at the cuisine Castiel had procured. Sam especially, as he had rarely seen Cas even set foot into the kitchen, nevertheless cook. Apparently though, he had gotten practice somewhere, and now he could cook almost flawlessly, as shown by the delicious spread set before them. 

"Wow Cas. What's up with all this?" Sam asked, although somewhat nervously. Maybe something had possessed their angelic friend that caused his cooking skills to skyrocket to a level equal to Mrs. Butters. 

Castiel exited the kitchen, bringing out a tall pitcher of lemonade and another of ice cold water. He looked quizically at Sam, not wondering what the problem was. 

"What do you mean? I just thought that we could have a little celebration now that all of us are together again. Well, not really, Dean's still resting, but we're all here in spirit. Besides, I need to be eating a lot to restore Dean's physique to what it once was." 

Sam nodded his head understandingly. He glanced towards Eileen. As soon as he saw her sparkling and mesmerizing face, his face immediately broke out into a wide smile. She returned the same. 

"Ready to eat?" He asked her, his hands moving deftly and quickly, very familiar with the motions.

She nodded excitedly. He pulled out a chair for her and then took his own next to her. Jack sat on the other end and stared in wonder. They hadn't had this much homemade food since Mrs. Butters was there a long time ago. His mouth salviated as he realized just how hungry he was. It seemed that he hadn't eaten in days because of his crippling worry over Dean. 

But now, they could eat without any worries for once, a fact that all of them relished and enjoyed to its fullest extent. 

Castiel set the pitchers down and untied the apron from his waist. It was still pristinly white. He gently folded it up and set it back in the kitchen on its hangar. When he returned and saw Sam, Jack, and Eileen all passing the plates around and laughing joyfully, he couldn't help but feel a warm feeling spreading throughout his chest. 

This was his family. The family that he had fought so hard to keep. The family that he had overturned the universe for. 

A quick twinge of pain hit him as he remembered that Dean wasn't here with them. He missed the man dearly even though it had been barely a day since he had possessed his body. Every second was excruciating. It seemed that everytime he and Dean would reunite, they would be brutally ripped apart immediately after. 

No. Now was not the time to be mourning. They had Dean back and he was ok. They had rescued him and he was healing. He wasn't there presently, but he would be soon. 

Now, as the three of them continued to laugh and enjoy their lunch, that feeling slowly faded. Sure, it was still there, and it hurt, but Castiel knew that soon enough Dean would be with them. He would join them and crack his unintelligent jokes and make fun of Sam and do all the things that made him Dean. Dean Winchester, the beautiful hunter that caused even angels to fall in love with him. 

Soon. It would be soon. Dean would be back soon. He had to believe it. If he didn't, he wasn't sure that he would be able to continue living. 

After Castiel had taken his seat, that sense of pride that he possessed was still prominent. Everyone was enjoying the meal that he had worked hard on. And it wasn't the kind of enjoy that you would do just to be nice, Castiel could tell from the happiness radiating off of everyone that his full course meal was a hit. He glanced over at Sam and Eileen, who were enjoying each others company. However, Sam was still amazed at the fact that Castiel could cook.

"How'd you learn to do all of this?" Sam asked, still full of wonder. 

Castiel chuckled and pulled the plate of hamburgers towards him. He took off two small ones and put them on his plate. 

"I had a good teacher." He replied. 

Sam pursed his lips and shrugged. The answer was vague, but he could safely assume it was Dean. The two of them had shared many personal moments in the past together, so it wasn't at all surprising that Dean might've taught his favorite angel to cook. In fact, the more he thought about it, it would be strange if his starstruck brother _didn't_ teach Cas to cook. 

At this realization, Sam relaxed and continued digging into the heaping pile of potato salad on his plate. Whatever Dean had taught Cas, it sure was paying off. All of the food he had prepared was absolutely delicious. 

Castiel looked around at everyone, feeling very satisfied at his success. Jack was already on his second hamburger and had rolls of yellow mustard dripping off of it. Sam and Eileen ate with a bit more finesse, but they were still doing so ravenously. Cas smiled a little and went back to stacking his plate.

In order to get Dean back to full health and leave him with a fully functioning body, he would have to bulk up himself. He had full control over Dean's digestive system, and he knew the extent of what he could and couldn't eat. He probably should have stuck with simple foods, but he felt like he could spoil himself a little and munch on a hamburger or two. Besides, he didn't even technically have to use the bathroom as an angel. His own anatomy confused him at times, but at least it came in handy. He could eat solid foods and not suffer any repercussions like a normal human suffering from malnourishment would. Call it a luxury or a crutch, but that's what it was.

He assembled his plate and stared down at it. The small hamburger sitting on it stared back. He slowly gulped and brought up a hamburger to his mouth. He hated the taste of the molecules, but he had to do this. He had done far, far worse for Dean's sake, so he could down a little bit of food to keep the hunter's body healthy. He swallowed again. He could ignore the taste and get it down. He made this commitment and he was going to keep it.

He brought the minimal burger to his mouth and slowly bit down. The flavored juices flooded his tastebuds and a rush warmed him down to his toes. He chewed thoughtfully, savoring each separate chew and assessing the taste. 

Surprisingly, the taste of molecules was still there, but they were considerably less noticable. In fact, if he ignored them, he could mask the taste and cover it up with the blissful taste of hamburger. And it was delicious. It tasted better than anything he had ever eaten before, perhaps even PB & J. 

Castiel realized that he could now taste food without its molecular structure hiding the taste, for whatever reason. He perked up happily and took another bite, this one being nearly twice the size of the first. He closed his eyes gleefully and let the comfortable feeling of food rush throughout his body. He had missed this sensation. It was one of the few perks of being human. Enjoying sustenance. 

He swallowed the hamburger and picked up his fork. He grabbed an ear of corn and slathered butter and salt on it like he had seen Dean do when they would eat corn. He mimicked Dean's movements from memory and picked up the ear with his hands and took a fat bite from the middle of it. Bits of corn juice and pieces flew everywhere, but he didn't care. A new flavor exploded on his tongue. One that was sweet, but not sweet like a piece of candy or fruit. A different kind of sweetness that was perfectly complemented with salt and butter. 

He softly moaned with delight and took another huge bite of corn. He hurridly wiped his hands on a napkin as he chewed and swallowed then picked up a heaping spoonful of mashed potatoes and crammed them into his mouth. The same sensation of joy spread throughout his body. He chewed happily on the mixture of potato, mustard, vinegar, celery, and olives. A strange myriad of foods that created a perfect harmony when mixed with each other that tasted absolutely divine. 

He could eat food now. An angel could now actually enjoy the taste and texture of human food, something that he normally couldn't even dream of. 

When he finished relishing the new feeling, a strange thought wormed its way into his head. Why could he enjoy food now? He normally couldn't in his normal vessel, so what was so different about now? 

He pondered on it for only a few moments before the realization hit him like a truck. It was simply because he was in possession of Dean's body. And Dean was so much in love with food, more specifically hamburgers, that it trumped an angel's lack of taste. 

Upon this realization, Castiel couldn't help but giggle a slight bit to himself. He had just discovered another astonishing thing about Dean. Something else that was just so adorable and lovable. Something as simple as a love of food, but because it was Dean, that love was multiplied tenfold and allowed an angel to taste otherwise tasteless items. It was almost laughable to think about, someone loving food so much that they could cause others to love it as well. 

Castiel's face turned a dark red and heated up a little. His heart was filled with even more love for the Winchester. That beautiful and loving and sometimes stupid Dean Winchester. He was just so goddamn adorable. Such a child, such a shithead, such a beautiful human. 

The beautiful Dean Winchester. 

He was so busy enjoying his new tastebuds and adoration for Dean that he didn't even notice the three fuddled hunters staring at him. When he did, he paused mid-chew from a massive bite from another hamburger, hands locked in the motion. Sam smiled and started laughing. 

"You two need a room?" He joked.

Castiel squinted his eyes and shook his head. 

"While I can understand what you're implying, I really don't think that I could have sexual intercourse with a hamburger, Sam." He stated matter-of-factly, not really paying attention to his words. 

Sam threw his head back and started cackling, as did Jack. Eileen looked questioningly at him until he explained the joke, as to which she started giggling too. The laughter continued and then died down, Sam wiping tears from his eyes. Castiel still looked confused at the joke, but he shrugged it off and went back to inhaling bites of freshly baked brownie bites. They were sweet and tasted kinda like peanut butter and jelly if he thought about it. He would have to get one of those later and see if they still tasted the same as when he was human.

That was the first time the three of them had genuinely laughed in over a year, and it was a goddamn beautiful feeling. The laughter soon died out, but the smiles remained plastered to faces. 

After a few minutes of comfortable silence and the sounds of clinking silverware, Jack spoke up. 

"So how are you able to eat food now Castiel?" He asked through a mouthful of lettuce and freshly cut tomato. 

Sam paused from another bite of salad and perked up. He was also wondering how Castiel could be enjoying his food so much. It was a while ago, but he could still remember the angel reminiscing over the taste of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, stating that the simple sandwiches tasted like molecules. If that was the case, then how could he be enjoying today's meal so well? 

Castiel shrugged.

"I think it's because that Dean loves hamburgers so much that it's rubbed off on me." He mused. 

Sam and Jack looked at each other and agreed. That was a logical answer. Dean did love his hamburgers. 

"Well, at least you can enjoy food now." Jack said gaily, glad to have Castiel in good spirits. The angel nodded. He shoveled another bite of fruit cocktail into his mouth before continuing. 

"And that's especially good since I'm in control of his body. I'm going to do my best to restore Dean to his former strength. And the only way to do that-"

He gestured towards the mounds of food set before them.

"is to continue eating."

* * *

The next few days passed in a quick but pleasant blur. Castiel continued to make meals for the three of them while enjoying everyone's company. After spending so long in The Empty, physical interaction that wasn't anything from a past regret was a definite welcome change. He was just glad to be out and enjoying life.

He cooked for them whenever he had the chance. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, and sometimes even a teatime like in England. Sam speculated that Castiel wanted to cook because he wanted to feel useful and he thought that a little bit of Dean's personality had merged with their angel friend too. Dean did love to cook so, and they were basically the same person now, so this speculation wasn't all that strange. It was definitely weird seeing Dean walking around in his apron and not being able to say "Dean." 

Like one time Sam was making a request for lunch but he accidentally said Dean instead of Cas. Castiel did turn around, but Sam still felt guilty at his mistake. The incident was soon forgotten though and Sam tried his hardest not to slip up again. They had to stay strong so that Dean could continue to heal. 

At first, Castiel prepared meals that Dean used to prepare. Greasy diner dishes that he and Sam had grown up on. Dishes that could raise cholesterol levels drastically just by looking at them. Fried chicken, bacon, pizza, burritos, nachos, loaded sandwiches, and his personal favorite, hamburgers. This wasn't Cas's fault though. Dean always prepared food like that and let his angel helper watch, so Castiel didn't know any better. Sam didn't really have a problem with these dishes, but he wanted to get Cas and Jack into good eating habits. Besides, Dean wasn't there at the moment. They could do without any cholesterol problems for a while. 

Sam and Eileen soon solved this pressing dilemma by teaching Castiel to cook with less oil and fat and not fry everything, which would result in less grease. Not surprisingly, Castiel watched and learned earnestly. Soon enough, they were producing dinners that would put health magazines to shame. Jack also wanted to participate in helping and learning to cook himself. At first he struggled with learning the basics like ten eggs being too much for cake batter, or that you don't stir at the speed of sound. But soon enough, he learned the gist of everything and continued with ease. And as soon as he learned how to use a blender, nothing could stop him. 

Whenever he wasn't cooking, Castiel was cleaning or doing dishes. Never alone though. After meals, Sam, Jack, and Eileen would volunteer to help wash and dry the dishes and help clean up after Castiel's cooking sprees, which procured mountains of dishes. Sometimes Jack would play with the soap bubbles and form a Santa beard and throw bubbles at everyone else, which would result in kitchen chaos. 

They had decided to take a quick break from hunting and instead focus on themselves. The past year had been rough for all of them, so a quick rest was definitely needed.

When they weren't working or idling around the Bunker, they would play games or watch movies together. One of their favorites pastimes was to watch horror documentaries and laugh at the actors as they hunted fake ghosts with all the wrong equipment and jump at the tiniest of jumpscares that weren't even ghosts or demons. Castiel learned what popcorn was and that it was problamatic to get out of teeth. They also learned that Jack was extremely good at Connect Four. He was the reigining, undefeated champion in the Bunker, much to Castiel's dismay.

Laughter was common in these times. The Bunker had never seemed so full of life. Well, full of life as it could be with the issue of a nearly dead brother being possessed by an angel. Of course everyone still had the pressing issue of Dean's dormancy locked in their heads, but worrying wouldn't do any good. The best thing they could do at the time would be to remain positive and hope for the best. Besides, it was Dean. He would pull through. 

On one particularly lazy day, Sam was idly sitting on his laptop. He was carelessly clicking on articles about current events, skimming through them and running his hands through Eileen's hair. She was relaxed on his chest, quietly dozing. He was about to close up when a particular title piqued his interest. He mentally debated about it for a while before deciding to go with his gut instinct and click it. He quickly read the article and debated with himself again. Should he tell everyone else or leave it be?

Unsurprisingly, his hunter gut got the better of him. He gently roused Eileen from her sleep and called out to the two angelic beings who were locked in a tense standstill during an intense battle of Uno. 

"Hey guys, I think I've got a case we should check out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to remember that Cas is in Dean's body like,,,,,, how??? ? ? Why did I make this so confusing? Lmao I'm so sorry  
> Anyways a Very Merry Belated Christmas and New Year's y'all! Hope you had a good time watching Destiel become canon for the 5th time <3 (not really)  
> Still waiting for the tapes Jackles PLEASE  
> Next chapter should be up soon. I already have a lot of it written, it's just a matter of if I have the time to finish it soon haha  
> If it's not up soon then please know I'm not dead. Smooches to all of you.


	11. The Case

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas is inside Dean and is confused af (aren't we all) while Dean takes a fat, well deserved nap. Sam, Eileen, and Jack are chillin. Everyone's happy. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S FINALLY HERE LMAOOOO I'M SO SLOW  
> Sorry I don't have a consistent upload schedule I just have a really busy life that's filled with school and work and it's hard to find a few hours to sit and type these out, and when I span them out over a week like a normal person I tend to lose that *spark* yknow I'm so sorry but I still swear I'm going to finish this even if it takes 5 years please bear with me. As always thanks for reading.

**Massive TW this chapter, Barn/Vampires scene. While it's not exactly what happens here, the scene still takes place in the barn.**

"A case?" Cas questioned as he approached. "What's happened?" 

Sam quickly scrolled to the top of the article and handed the laptop to the curious Castiel. 

"See for yourself. Somethin' in Ohio."

Jack came up behind and peered over the angel's shoulder as they quickly scrolled through the article together. It described in vivid detail the murder of a family man, who was stabbed in the back in his own house. It also described how the wife was later found, bleeding and on the verge of death. Her tongue had also been cut off. 

And the children? They had been kidnapped and whisked off somewhere unknown. Castiel and Jack read through the gritty story with grim faces. Was this their type of thing or just a sadistic murderer? 

"Well, what do you think Sam?" Castiel asked as he handed the laptop back. 

Sam shrugged his shoulders and rapped his long fingers on the table. Ohio was quite a ways away, but it wouldn't hurt to check it out. Besides, not gonna lie, it was getting kinda stuffy. Sure, it was time for a well-needed break, and it was very fun and relaxing, but Sam needed to get out and do something. He felt antsy at times with nothing to do, and with the everlasting burden of Dean on his mind, well. He just needed a quiet distraction from their present situation. This was their only lead for a case in a while, so it wouldn't hurt to check out. 

To be honest, he just needed an excuse to get out. Take a drive. Take his mind off of life. Ohio was hours away, and a road trip sounded enticing. 

"I think it wouldn't hurt to check out. And honestly, I'm getting a little bored from all this sitting around. Might as well do something." 

The two of them nodded understandingly. 

"So I guess that Eileen, Jack and I can go. Cas, you can stay here and focus on-" 

But before he could finish his sentence Cas did his trademarked head tilt, signifying his confusion.

"And why would I do that?" He demanded. 

Sam looked slightly taken aback. The question was more of why would he bring Cas along? They were going on a potentially dangerous case. He knew Eileen and Jack could hold their own, and he was there in case anything were to go wrong, but Castiel was in no shape to go along. Well, Castiel himself was, but since Dean's body was so frail at that moment, he would be putting his own life at risk along with Dean's.

"Cas, you're in no shape to be going anywhere. Besides, why would you want to go? I mean... I thought you were trying to heal Dean? Ya know? Don't you think that going on a monster hunt could be detrimental to that cause?" He stated with a raised eyebrow. 

Jack also voiced his agreement with Sam and they proceeded to stare hard daggers at the befuddled angel.

"No, it's not that I want to put Dean's health in jeopardy... It's just that I don't like feeling that I don't equate to the rest of you. I hate feeling useless and not being able to help whenever a problem arises."

"But Cas you aren't useless. You're literally always there for us through the thick and thin. Hell, you're helping right now by being here for Dean. You've always been there for us, and while Dean and I don't say it all the time, we appreciate it." Sam said thoughtfully. 

He paused for a moment before continuing, choosing his words carefully.

"Besides, do you even have all your grace back? Your wings may be restored but are you back to full power?" 

He kindly but expectantly raised an eyebrow. All attention in the room shifted to Castiel. He stared down at his feet, his cheeks heating up as a slight bit of embarrassment hit him. 

Sure, he had his wings back, but in all honesty he was burning through his finite amount of grace at an exponential pace. When he returned from The Empty, he wasn't at his full power, and healing Dean drained him of nearly everything he had. He was using the little that remained to focus on healing Dean's body. So basically, without the wordplay, he was far from being at full power. 

But he wasn't useless. He could still fight. He could help to the best of his ability. He had to prove that he was more than just his grace. He had to prove it not to just Sam and Dean, but also to himself. 

"More or less. Let's see you die and come back to life then spend the majority of your energy healing someone else and then see if you feel 100%." 

Sam threw his hands back in defense. 

"Whoa Cas, chill bud. I'm just giving you a hard time." He sighed deeply. "I guess that if you really want to go, then you can. But please take care of yourself and Dean. The last thing we need is the two of you somehow injured." 

Castiel immediately beamed. 

"Of course. I'm just glad to be of any use to you." He said happily. 

Sam's mind eased up. Honestly, he wasn't planning on having Castiel do anything related to the case. He would probably have him stay at a motel room and do research or something similar with Eileen while he and Jack did the grunt work. He and Jack could handle the messy part of the job, but he didn't want Eileen nor Castiel to get hurt. Obviously he didn't want Jack to get hurt either, but Jack was God himself. Even if his powers were sealed away, it would take more than a simple monster hunt to kill him. 

He wouldn't be able to shield everyone for the rest of his life, but for the time being, with their defenses so weakened, they needed all the rest they could get. 

Sam clapped his hands together and took a deep breath. This would be their first case in a long, long time. In fact, how long had it been since they had a genuine monster case that they could just whip out and be done with? Too long it seemed. He slightly chuckled to himself. It seemed absurd to think about. The Winchester family "normal life" consisted of going on weekly monster hunts that could end with tragedy at any given moment. To any normal person, a simple event such as a hunt would be life shattering. 

But to the Winchesters, life shattering was killing God himself. And the fun didn't even end there. 

"Alright then, if that's settled, then I suggest we leave tomorrow morning. We got a long road trip ahead of us, so get your guns and clothes ready and we'll get on the road after breakfast." 

"I'll get my suit ready!" Jack explained excitedly and scurried off to his room.

Sam glanced over at Castiel again and debated with himself. He really didn't want to take Cas along, but he also didn't want to hurt his feelings. He knew how much Cas needed to know he was needed. Of course he knew. But he still didn't want to put the angel's and his brother's lives at stake. 

"I'll ask one more time, you sure about this Cas? We won't be hurt at all if you decide to stay behind. You'll still helpful and you can do research for us-" 

"No. I'm going." 

Sam breathed through his teeth harshly. Cas took after Dean so much that even his brother's stubbornness rubbed off on the angel. They were both insufferable sometimes in getting what they wanted. But at least they were here - that was all that mattered. 

"Well, alrighty then. If you're sure, then I guess you could pack some of Dean's clothes for yourself. Well, that is if they still fit. I don't know if they will, but it wouldn't hurt to try. I guess if everything's a bit too baggy you could rummage through Jack's things and see if he would be willing to give up a few outfits." 

Castiel tilted his head again. 

"And why would I need to do that? Aren't these clothes satisfactory?" 

Cas tugged at his baggy sweatpants and oversized T-shirt. Of course he would ask that. Castiel was so used to his formal suit and trenchcoat that he saw no need in changing. He could fight in it and then turn heel and pose as an FBI agent the next moment. It was a multi-use outfit that suited the angel very well for his lifestyle. But he was no longer in his old vessel - he was inside Dean. And Dean wasn't really known to wear a trenchcoat and suit all the time. 

"No, those clothes are fine. It's just that..." His words trailed off as he thought.

Sam's mental cogs whirred. It would be bothersome to ask Castiel to change his clothes every night and have to deal with a flurry of human-related questions from a curious angel. He chewed on his fingernail as a thought appeared in his head. 

Cas obviously wore the trenchcoat for a reason. He had even heard Castiel say that he had grown to like the coat at times. He could take the trenchcoat that Castiel's vessel had on, but he decided not to and leave Jimmy's body where it was out of respect. Besides, it wouldn't kill Sam to go out and buy one that would fit Dean's body. In fact, they could just go out and buy a suit and coat that fit Dean's current form and be done with clothes for a while and also give Castiel some peace of mind with familiar attire. It was a win-win situation for everyone. 

"Actually, instead of that, how about we just buy you a new suit and coat? That way you don't have to worry about clothes and look decent." 

Castiel pondered for a moment before smiling. 

"Yes, I would very much like that." 

"Alright then, let's go right now and get you suited up. I'm sure that we can work something out with a tailor." 

Sam looked towards Eileen for acknowledgement and she smiled sweetly at him. His heart immediately melted into a steaming puddle of love and adoration. He kissed her cheek tenderly in response. 

He couldn't let anyone get hurt tomorrow. If he did, he would never be able to forgive himself.

* * *

Jack and everyone else stood at the top step of the Bunker, arms loaded with duffles and various weapons. They would be a little rusty in the hunting game, so they'd need all the reassurance they could get regarding weaponry. Sam took a deep breath and turned the lights off. 

Before opening the door, he took another once-over of Castiel/Dean in his new outfit. The suit was very loose-fitting, but it was the smallest size they could get. However, this flaw wasn't that noticeable as an oversized trenchcoat enveloped Dean's small figure. It was definitely strange, seeing Dean in a Castiel-esque trenchcoat, but he could get used to it. And besides, Castiel looked more comfortable in his usual clothes. If that gave him peace of mind, then Sam was thrilled. 

"Alrighty. Let's get this show on the road." He said as he and everyone else filed out the door. 

They arrived at the spacious garage and Sam inspected the numerous vehicles that inhabited the closeted space. He dearly missed the Impala, but it was gone with no way of getting it back. For now, he would just pick out a spacious, vintage car and have them travel in it. He was just about to pick out a vintage Cadillac before Jack stopped him. 

"What's up?" He asked, but Jack shushed him and put his hand up. He furrowed his eyebrows and squinced, deep in thought.

Sam opened his mouth again, but Jack was gone from reality. Inside his headspace, once more he opened that impenetrable wall, this time being easier than everytime else, and he let out his godly powers again. The process was much, much less intense and went smoothly. Maybe this was because this was a trivial thing, or maybe it was because of his repeated use of the powers that this was working. 

Jack concentrated with his eyes tightly closed. He disappeared for a quick moment and returned with the Impala in tow. Sam, Eileen, and Castiel's mouths all dropped as he appeared, breathing deeply but satisfied with his success. His mouth was in a wide grin as he relished in the unfamiliar feeling. It was in perfect condition, all the dents and scratches faded from existence and the interior looking better than ever. Sam approached it and opened the back. All the equipment and weapons that they needed on hunts was present as well. 

He looked at Jack in shock and joy, and upon seeing Jack's beaming face, his lit up as well. 

They had Baby back. Their family was now nearly complete. 

Sam and the others pulled Jack into a giant hug. 

"Thank you so much Jack." Sam managed to breathe out. 

This small victory, this little, tiny thing that was positive in their miserable existences was life-altering. They had Baby. 

After breaking out of the hug, Sam immediately opened the driver's side and turned the ignition on. He listened to her sweet purr and the familiar feelings of her rumblings as she strummed to life. He ran his fingers over the dashboard and relished her sweet scent.

God, he missed this car. 

Castiel approached and ran his hands over the black exterior. He too missed the vehicle. It seemed that the majority of drama in his life happened in this small space. Heated arguments, thoughtful conversations, heartfelt apologies... Many words had been said in this space. 

He opened the passenger side and stepped inside. As he did, he wondered why the feeling felt unfamiliar. Then he remembered that it was always Sam and Dean that rode in the front, while he and Jack were in the back. He realized his mistake and was about to get out when Sam gently put his hand on his shoulder. 

"It's ok, Cas. You're one of the family. Family can always ride shotgun." He finished with a smile. 

Castiel smiled back somberly and shut the door. Jack and Eileen followed suit and got in the backseat. During Dean and Castiel's absences, the two of them had gotten quite close, and even more so with their extended time together. In fact, with Jack's extensive knowledge of the universe, he found that he learned ASL very easily, and he and Eileen had in depth conversations together a lot. Sam was always overjoyed to see the two of them getting along, and he would join in sometimes, the three of them having jolly talks together about life. 

And that life would soon resume as soon as they got Dean back. For now, they just had to focus on the future and see where it took them. 

With everyone safely secured in the Impala and their morale raised a great ton, the four disgruntled hunters headed out on their first case. Well, even if it was a case. If it wasn't, at least they would've gotten out of the building for a while and had an outing. 

The engine roared to life and Sam put Baby into drive. She voiced her approval and with a thrilled noise, they exited the Bunker and began the long ride to Ohio.

Which also began the ride to their untimely failure.

* * *

The ride was long but overwhelmingly pleasant. They gazed at the countryside together and exchanged small talk, but nothing was awkward. They took turns in the driver's seat and shotgun when they needed a shift. Sam drove for the first three hours, then Eileen volunteered and she and Sam sat in the front. Castiel and Jack pointed out interesting landmarks and learned what Eye Spy was along with a variety of other road trip games. 

The radio in Baby had also been fixed by Jack, and Sam took great pleasure in rummaging through Dean's old cassettes to play. They jammed out to all of his favorite bands in his name. He made a mental note to put an aux cord in so he could hook up some Spotify so he could introduce Jack and Cas to modern rock and some pop music. And while Eileen couldn't share the experience to its fullest extent, she still joyfully followed along with a grin on her face. 

About halfway to their destination, they stopped at a quaint little diner to take a rest stop. Sam and Eileen ordered house salads while Castiel and Jack indulged themselves in the trademarked burgers. They happily ate with each other, relishing in the calm before the storm. 

And thus they repeated the same until they arrived at a mediocre-looking motel in Ohio. Upon pulling in and getting their stuff unpacked, they all collapsed on their beds. Sam and Eileen on one, Jack on the other, and Castiel settled on the couch, as per tradition. When he sat down, a quick flicker of pain hit his head, but he brushed it off, not knowing what it meant. Probably something trivial. 

"Alright, well let's get settled in and see what's happening." Sam stated after they had a chance to recuperate.

"Should I get my suit on?" Jack asked. 

Sam pondered for a moment then suggested against the four of them all going to the crime scene, as that would look a tad bit unusual. After an intense round of rock-paper-scissors, it was decided that Sam and Castiel would check it out and leave Eileen and Jack alone to do some research based on what they found. 

Sam dressed in his FBI suit, grabbed his and Castiel's fake badges, and they headed out on their first case. 

On the way there, he failed to notice the pained look on the angel's face as he held onto his head. Castiel said nothing, and they continued talking about the case with almost no worries. 

Not much could be concluded from seeing the crime scene that wasn't already stated in the article. The husband had been killed, the wife's tongue ripped out, and the kids taken away. The wife was traumatized beyond belief, it seemed that even thinking of the event caused her body to shut down. 

But they did get one tidbit of information that could be useful. The wife managed to get a glimpse of the perpetrators and could see that they wore clown masks. 

Sam sighed as he and Castiel entered the Impala again. In all honesty, this didn't seem like a case at all, maybe just a deranged killer. He looked towards Castiel.

"So... Whatdya think? We got something here or should we pack it up?" He asked, looking a bit downtrodden. Maybe he dragged all of them out here for nothing. 

Castiel shook his head. 

"I think it would be worth looking into. Maybe your father wrote something about them." He suggested.

Sam shrugged and pulled out his phone. He texted Eileen a few key details they found out. Her response was immediate. 

"Jack and I'll get right on it." 

Upon seeing her text, Sam smiled. God, he loved her so much. 

He turned the ignition on and Baby roared to life, ready for her next destination. 

Castiel gripped his head tightly, a head-splitting migraine overtook him, but Sam failed to notice once again. He was too preoccupied with the potential monsters the masked killers could be. And as soon as it started, the pain stopped.

The two of them arrived back at the motel to be greeted by the two estatic residents. They did some research on killer clowns and found a little snippet of information about them in John's journal. It turns out that these monsters were vampires and that they had been terrorizing this town for quite some time. 

Jack and Castiel read up on them, but Sam was confused. According to John, vampires were nearly extinct, so why did he write about these certain ones and fail to mention them to he and Dean? He mentally brushed the thought off. He was sure his father had his own reasons. 

Castiel closed the journal with a small _thud._

"So do we have any idea where these vampires might be?" He asked. "I'm sure we could take care of them rather quickly." 

Sam pondered. They would have to do some more digging around to see if there were any abandoned places a vampire nest would be at. But that wouldn't be too hard - they'd done it a million times already. 

And right they were. After driving around for a couple of hours during the dead of night, they came across an abandoned barn. A perfect place for a vampire feeding ground. Everyone exited the vehicle and grabbed the necessities - bullets with dead man's blood, guns, and machetes. Somehow Sam even found a pair of ninja stars, but he tentatively set them down. Ninja stars wouldn't be that useful in a vampire hunt. 

While loading his gun, Sam let out a small laugh. 

"If we actually pull this off, this will have been one of the fastest hunts we've ever done. I guess having a couple extra set of hands has its perks." 

The others voiced their agreement. Then they quickly hushed themselves as they slowly entered the barn. Two human hunters, an angel, and a literal God child. This wouldn't be hard at all. 

It really wasn't. From the shadows of the barn, five masked vampires emerged, led by a female. The five behind her were buff-looking, but in the end, they would all be killed the same way. But before Sam could pull the trigger of his pistol, the female introduced herself as Jenny. 

Sam cocked his head. Jenny? Who the hell was that? He felt sorry for her if she was a victim they let get turned, but if she wasn't, she was just another vampire. He just couldn't bring himself to care. She was a vampire. They killed vampires. Even if she used to be a human, she had still killed humans before. She was a monster, and they put monsters down. He just couldn't seem to remember who she was. Jenny...? Well, obviously she wasn't someone who had a great impact on their lives, so Sam went ahead and pulled the trigger. 

She didn't expect to be shot during her epic villain reveal monologue, and her eyes widened as the bullet penetrated her skin and immediately poisoned her to death. Upon seeing their leader be killed, the other five hissed behind their masks and lunged forward, bloodlust oozing from them. 

Eileen immediately shot one in the leg and swiftly cut off its head. Jack watched and repeated the same on another. Already, they had half of them dead. This was going way easier than anticipated. 

Sam absorbed the punch of one, but as he staggered, it lunged towards its neck. But before it could make contact, Jack appeared and chopped its head off. Sam rubbed his sore jaw and quickly thanked him. He quickly looked around and saw Eileen caught in a struggle with one. He and Jack immediately lept up and went to her assistance. Thankfully, Jack stabbed it through the head and Sam quickly chopped its head off, satisfied at the sound it made. He continued to hear grunts of exertion though and looked up, expecting to see Castiel smite one with ease. 

He wasn't entirely wrong. Castiel easily dodged and sidestepped the vampire's movements. It was the biggest of the bunch and thus the slowest. Castiel extended his palm and was about to finish the job when it hit again. He let out a cry of pain and fell to his knees. An ear-splitting headache hit him again, at the worst moment possible. He gripped his head and grit his teeth at his vulnerability. Why was this happening? Was it Dean trying to wake up? A scream escaped his mouth as he bent over, immobilized by the sheer pain of his head. 

The vampire noticed and took this chance. Using all of its mass and momentum, it punched Castiel right on the side of the temple. As the angel crumpled, it tore off its mask and sank its dagger-like teeth into the angel's neck, spewing crimson blood all over. 

"No! Cas!" Sam nearly screamed as he rushed over. 

He was so goddamn stupid. He shouldn't have let Cas handle this alone. He should've fought by his side. He shouldn't have been so concerned with everyone else and ignored the weakest member of their team. He should've made Cas stay at home he should've made Cas bring a weapon he should've done so much more. And now his best friend was in jeopardy because of his foolish mistake. 

Jack and Eileen followed and Sam abruptly shot the vampire. But no need be, because Castiel was an angel. Any vampire that drank the blood of an angel was immediately vaporized. As soon as the first of the angelic blood hit the vampire's tongue, it opened its mouth and gagged as the blood began to poison it from the inside out. In less than five seconds, it fell over flat. 

Sam rushed over and held Castiel/Dean's face in his hands. A giant knot was forming where he was punched, and his neck was bleeding profusely. 

"Jack! Can you heal him?" 

The nephilim appeared by his side and his eyes shined bright yellow. 

"I don't know, but I can try." 

He put his hand on the angel's wound and concentrated. Immediately, the punctures closed up and the bleeding stopped. He opened his eyes and was surprised at his success. Sam breathed out in relief and gently shook Castiel to wake him up. 

But the angel never stirred. 

Sam grew panicked as he remembered the massive punch Cas received. He shook Cas again with more and more vigor as he realized the reality of the situation. Now fully panicked, he scooped up the angel in his arms and started towards the Impala. He looked behind him to see Eileen with the two children. She told them to run away to the police and not to mention the hunters at all. The poor traumatized kids had no choice but to oblige and Sam watched as they scurried away. 

He loaded Castiel into the backseat and as soon as everyone else filed in, he started racing back towards the motel, cursing his incompetence all the way. 

He had failed both his brother and his best friend again. 

And now, they were paying the price. 

He had no idea what was happening inside of Dean and Castiel's head, but he knew that it couldn't be good. He saw how Castiel had collapsed from the pain and how tightly he gripped his head, so Sam could only conclude that it had something to do with Dean. 

He just hoped and prayed that they could fix whatever was happening. 

* * *

"Dean? Dean?? Dean where are you?" Castiel shouted into the darkness. 

No response. 

The angel panicked as he recalled the events that had led up to this moment. He had been knocked out cold by a vampire after another one of those head-splitting migraines. He assumed he was still unconscious, and he was inside his and Dean's head. 

He just knew he had to find Dean and make sure he was alright. 

"Dean? Are you here?" 

Still nothing.

He started sprinting around, but everything was so dark that it seemed that he never moved no matter how fast he ran. 

He was just about to give up hope when he saw a familiar shape emerge from the darkness. Immediately his face broke out into a wide smile as he recognized the face of the one he loved. His chest loosened up as he took in the full sight of the hunter.

The hunter that he risked life and limb for.

The hunter that he loved to the ends of the universe.

His hunter.

He licked his chapped lips and the words flowed out like a cool stream.

"Hello Dean."

"Heya, Cas." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Destiel is still the most written about ship on AO3 and I think that's so sexy of us  
> This chap isn't that accurate according to 15x20 but that's not what I was aiming for at all. I just took inspiration from the barn vamps and that's it. I couldn't bring myself to watch the episode again and look for accuracies. As far as I know, 15x20 doesn't exist and SPN ended on a cliffhanger. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> If you want to follow my stan Twitter and witness my ramblings and also see what I'm procrastinating on instead of doing this then go ahead  
> https://twitter.com/Spunky_SpaceCat

**Author's Note:**

> If you like please tell me because I have no motivation to write but it's kind words that keep me going <3  
> Thanks for your support!


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